daughter full of lies...
Find a Conversation
daughter full of lies...
| Wed, 12-27-2006 - 1:55pm |
I have a 14 year old daughter that can not be trusted. She lies so well, that her younger sister is falling into her traps and our family is suffering. She steals from her siblings, from her father and I and at school completely changes outfits to "look better". We have tried everything. She has spent most of this year grounded. Now she finally admits that she has snuck a boy in and had sex when I was working. She says this is who she is and we can either like it or not. I have scheduled her for counseling, but that is 2 weeks away. Anyone else with advice?

Advise, and some questions:
Is this destructive attitude a pattern, or is this something relatively new for her? What are her friends like? What kinds of restrictions/punishments have you tried that have failed?
If my dd were to tell me that she is having sex, I would march her right to the ob/gyn office for a full pelvic exam and STD testing. If she is going to spread it for the boys, she's going to spread them for the dr. She needs to know all the ramifications of being sexually active. I might even consider placing her on b.c., just so you don't have to deal with her getting pg. Then, of course, I would do everything *in my power* to make sure she abstains. You are, unfortunately, going to stop allowing her to be at home unsupervised. Tell her that she has proven to you she cannot be trusted. As for the changing outfits to "look better", I assume you restrict the way she can dress at school and she's changing then at school...where does she get the outfits?
What else have you tried? Grounding is not working. Some punish for each individual lie with things like extra chores. Others swear that if you take everything away from a teen (such as in extended groundings) they feel that they have nothing to lose and continue to act out. The therapy is a great idea. The two of you probably need to spend more time together and maybe you need someone to bridge that gap. Just a warning that the first counselor may not be a good fit; keep trying till you find the right one.
I have a dd15, so I have btdt, in a way. My dd has also lied to me and I know how much it hurts. I had to go through a grieving period. I had not realized it, but because we used to be so close, I felt like I'd lost my "little girl". My dh had to finally kindly tell me, "hon, she's not your little girl anymore." Fortunately, that doesn't mean you have lost her completely. You do need to meet her again, though, as a young lady with ideas of her own.
Ask her *who* that is...remind her that who she is right now is probably not who she will wind up being when she is 25...in fact, she may even be someone else when she is 16. It's your job as a parent to make sure this "person" she is trying on for size isn't going to make mistakes that are going to follow her for the rest of her life. Good luck, HTH.
Marie
"She's been grounded for most of this year" - so what does she have left to loose by acting out? What does she have to gain for following your expectations? "I'm grounded anyway, I might as well have whatever fun I can find" is the attitude of a lot of kids who are used to very long groundings. DS S came to us at 17 after having been grounded almost consistently for 2 years in his aunt's home, and he told me this point blank the first time I grounded him for a week. (which is the longest I ever ground my kids for, in addition to giving them extra chores) My response was that he'd have a whole lot more fun if he followed the rules, but until then he was going to be spending his spare time working on a huge landscaping project that we had going at the time. Many, many hours of hauling rock later, he apparently decided that following the rules did lead to more fun, because it was one of the last times he was grounded in our home. His aunt still thinks we were too easy on him, but she had the police bringing him home at least once a week, and he had just one police contact in the 5 years he's lived with us other than traffic violations like speeding and unnecessary noise (squeeling tires). My biological kids have never had the police bring them home... though I should probably be careful how I say that, coz DD is just 15 and still has plenty of time to get into trouble.
BTW, welcome to the board... I hope things work out for your family.
Rose
Kids will act out and become very rebellious if not given enough freedom. I learned this the hard way. There are some battles worth fighting and some not.
My youngest daughter(13) has freaky hair that she dies purple, black and blue. Wears a lot of black and goth type clothing and has her lip pierced. She has a lot of like friends. They believe in keeping the body clean. Most are vegetarians and do not do drugs, smoke or drink. I allow her this freedom because she is a very gifted child both academically and artistically. She is usually very respectful to all and I trust her. She is also very kind and sensitive. They hang out here a lot so I hear alot. She needs to express herself. She is doing no one harm and is very happy. I rarely ground her but have on occasion for very short periods.
As for her 15 year old sister. I have always had a few problems with her. She is very different from her sister but I love her all the more for it. She dresses more on the preppy side, has strawberry blonde hair and has her belly button pierced. She has always lied, stolen on occasion and done a lot of things that she shouldn't. She smokes and uses pot on occasion. She is also ADD. She has done poorly in school until recently when I put her in a new program at school and put her on medication. She has lied so many times that I now find it usual. She has a different personality than what I am used to. She will lie to avoid any confrontation. She is really an easy going girl who just wants to be left alone. Of course I cannot leave her alone. I have grounded her countless times but she still does the things that she does. She is just sneakier about it. I found out that it is easier to talk to her than to ground her. She is now more honest and open with me although I really don't like some of her choices. I listen a lot more now and accept that she is who she is. I cannot change her but I can help her to make better choices by talking and listening to her and asking her what she wants out of life.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that perhaps you need to listen to your daughter more rather than ground her so much and for so long. If the clothes she wears to school are acceptable at school why not let her wear them? It seems that now she is totally rebelling because she has no other way to communicate with you and really has nothing to lose. What does she want out of her life and from you? Sneaking a boy in and telling you about it sounds like she is trying to get your attention. As for your younger daughter believing her lies, well, younger sisters love their older sisters so much and will usually side with them even if they know they are in the wrong. If I am having an issue with either of my children I try not to drag the other into it or talk to them about it unless they want to.
Sorry if I offended you in any way with this post and also thanks for letting me tell you about my children.
My youngest DD was a very gifted liar until I really started calling her on it. If I caught her in the tiniest of lies, I would ask her a second time and of course I got the same lie. The punishment at my home for lying is a major chore for each time you told the lie - no matter how insignificant the lie was. One of us did the chore along with her and we just chit chatted about things - not the lie. We praised her for a job well-done. We built her self-esteem this way and she also learned that she would be punished for lying. When DD was 15, we had very clean windows, a clean garage, etc. Thankfully, the house is much dirtier down (LOL).
I also spent alot of time trying to figure out why she was lying. I went to a counselor that normally treated teens and she not only helped me deal with the stress of the situation but she also guided me through how to deal with her. She helped me to see that by covering up DH's past alcohol problems, I had taught DD to lie by my own actions. We pretended everything was okay when they were not. I started to talk to DD about those times and started being honest with her. Things slowly changed.
I must admit I also think her b/f was help with this. As much as I don't like many things about him, he's honest. When he realized she was being punished for lying, I think he just very calmly pointed out to her that that's what she got for lying.
DD is 18 now and she's usually very honest with me. Now I often hear more than I want.
I hope this helps a little. Consistency is very important. Make it your business to know what's going on in her life and check up on her. Let her know that her lying has caused you to distrust her. When she says she going to so and so's, make her call you from so and so's house phone and check the number on caller id to make sure she's really there. Drive by and check up if necessary. These little things get old real quick and she will eventually learn that if she doesn't want it happening, then she needs to be honest with you.
Good Luck!
Counseling and the obgyn sound like great ways to deal with this.
You are doing okay with a hand you didnt want to be dealt. Hang in there!
Another poster was right on in talking about the grieving process. We have 14 yrs to form this picture of what our teens will be like-and often their early years are as close to flawless as can be, enforcing that we must be skilled with our parenting-and then, poof! The bubble bursts!
I also agree with rethinking some of your rules. I think its easy to 'forget' to change rules and expectations as they grow because what we had was working and if it aint broken......
I try to conciously give my boys new privileges. Now that you are 14, you can....... New privileges can be resposibilities too-a checking account at 16, for example.
It might be time to give her some new 'privileges' like choosing her school clothing
We dont need to fight EVERY battle
I let my boys go to school 3 or4 times with what I thought were inappropriate slogans on their Tshirts. My oldest, the 'invisible' student, slid by the one time he did it and funny, never wore that shirt to school again. Number 2, who teh school 'knew', got caught each time and had to wear it inside out for the day. Stopped trying
And I didnt have to get involved-I had enough on my parent plate at home. Let the Village step up once in awhile. It doesnt mean you are a bad parent-think of it as delegating and shared responsibility
Thank you...and all of you...who have shared your thoughts on our situation. My 14 year old is one of 5 children and the middle child still at home. I have spoken with her recently about these issues and she has been honest with her feelings...not all to my liking and understanding. She says she changes clothes at school to get boys to notice her (meaning skimpy clothes). She steals from us and her sisters because she wants what we have. She says she lies because she doesn't like herself and the lies make her feel better.
This just reassures me that counseling is the first step to healing her pain. I have done what I thought was best as a mother to her and all my children. Maybe not always the right thing, but I used the same tools my mother used for me and I turned out successful. She is a bright child with honor grades and has a great future ahead...if she doesn't mess it up now.
We keep praying and are working towards her getting help to better understand herself. Thanks again for your support.
>>>so what does she have left to loose by acting out? What does she have to gain for following your expectations?>>>
I soooooo agree. Grounding is not a lesson. It doesn't teach them how to change thier behavior for the next time. It may cause them to become better liars & sneaky.
We have a girl who hangs around our house all the time; she is dd17's best friend. Her parents are constantly grounding her, sometimes for things like eating a piece of cake! This girls slogan is "I do what I want". Yeah, and then she gets grounded, but since she's grounded all the time, she has nothing to lose anymore!
I think you can try to reason with her, set her straight, perhaps take away some privileges and create reasonable consequences, but in the end she will have to figure out a lot of stuff on her own.
welcome and hugs.