Single dad and daughters puberty
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| Wed, 12-27-2006 - 11:54pm |
My little girl is growing up and its freaking me out. Shes 12 and the other day I caught her masturbating. Obviously it was amazingly embarrassing. We haven't spoken to each other all weekend.
The bigger issues though are our relationship. I love cuddling her and kissing her, but now that she's growing breasts I'm not sure thats so appropriate. How much affection do you think is appropriate between a father and teen daughter?
Another thing is sex. I'm not naive, premarital sex is quite common now and its doubtful that she'll stay a virgin until she gets married. However I do want her to delay sex at least until shes in a serious relationship. I mean we all know the double standard. A guy who sleeps around is a stud, but a girl who sleeps around is a slut. People are more open-minded nowadays but still there are many who hold that attitude.
How can I convince her to delay sex until she finds that guy?
Edited 12/28/2006 12:27 am ET by amon12006

You are a lovely daddy and I'm so happy you care so much about your girl! I'll try to give my opinion frankly, though I know there are others who think differently. this is based not only on my feelings as a mother of teenage girls, but on my own experiences with my dad as a teen girl.
When I was a little girl I loved my dad so much. I sat on his lap, hugged him and kissed him and generally had that lovely feeling of being held and safe. then I got boobs. I can't remember exactly when the physical closeness ended, but end it did. I know now that my dad became uncomfy with my budding womanhood and stood off. About the same time (big surprise!) developed a difficult relationship with my mother. So I lost the closeness with my dad the same time I started rejecting hugs and kisses from my mom. I was devoid of touching for years. I got pregnant when I was 17. I now realize that, among other things, I was looking for love, affection, etc. that I wasn't getting from my folks for one reason or another.
Don't get me wrong, they were good parents. We don't realize these things until it's too late, I'm afraid.
But not too late for my girls. For some reason, their dad has always felt ok with cuddling them. I'm grateful he does. He's never been innapropriate in any way, so no need to change his behavior just because they have curves. So what if it's a little embarrassing having your dad kiss your forhead and call you baby boo? It's also very reassuring. No matter how big I get, my dad is still my dad. And my personal practice is "A hug a day keeps the grumpies away". Sometimes I make that announcement as they are squirming out of my loving grip.
Keep hugging your girl. Whatever little gestures of affection have been ok all along should be just fine now. At the very least, a hug a day, as she heading out the door, pouring coffee or doing homework is better than an apple, I swear. And losing physical contact can be a prelude to losing emotional contact between two people, so if you want her to listen to you about waiting for sex til she's in a serious relationship, give her all those hugs now, and another one before and after you talk about it.
oh, about catching her masturbating... embarrassing, yes. But of course it's normal and you don't have to comment on it, but don't let it get in the way of giving her a hug. Believe me, I've been there.
Congratulations on joining the ranks of freaked out fathers. I too have BTDT. It seems we have playful little daughters who we appropriately cuddle, wrestle with, kiss and love.. then overnight we have these creatures with.....protuberances.
Everything changes..
Here's a few thoughts for what they're worth...
First and foremost, whatever "discomfort" you're feeling about your newly developing daughter needs to be immediately and permanently..stuffed. She doesn't understand her own feelings regarding her developing body and sexuality. She sure as hell is not going to understand yours. If you back off because of your own issues of discomfort, she will interpret that as utter rejection. She will think she did something wrong. I'm concerned that you haven't spoken to each other all weekend simply because you found her doing something intensely personal. I will bet the farm she will not see your silence as "embarrassment" rather, "I did something wrong and dad is not happy with me."
Regarding your second question, you just need to apply common sense. Early teen girls need love, attention, affection and approval from their fathers now more than ever. Sadly, this is a time when most fathers back off. She still needs those frequent hugs and pecks on the cheek. You just can't have her sit on your lap reading books like she was 9 anymore.
Regarding your third part, NOW is the time to begin talking with her about sex; straightforward and graphically, about the entire physical and emotional ramifications of the decisions she will have to make as a teenager. Leave the easy part(plumbing)to the health classes at school. Don't be deterred by the eye rolls and exclamations of ewwwww.... If you could be a mouse in the corner and actually listen to how some of these 12-14 yr. olds talk, it would make this task a lot easier. She needs to know you understand some of the pressures and confusion she will undoubtedly face, and she needs to know her dad will be her rock.
As to your last question, unfortunately.. you can't. Teenagers live in the moment. They don't have the experience and emotional development to understand... that guy who thinks she's cute and has "gone out" with her for.. gosh... 3 months now..! isn't really the kind of emotional bond you and I would normally associate with sex. What you CAN do, is empower her with two things: 1. information and 2. self worth.
She needs to know your values and expectations and at the same time know she can come to you for protection and guidance if the need arises.
Not an easy task is it?
Wow. It's like I just got a chance to go back in time and talk to my own dad. First I must jump on the band wagon of: For the love of God don't stop hugging and kissing your daughter because she has boobs!
My older sister hit puberty with a big bang and it freaked my father out to no end. She remembers the YEAR she stopped being hugged. He still refuses to hug her from the front. Instead he adopted this odd side-ways hug so he never has to remotely come close to touching her breasts. It's like they are toxic.
I came along 8 years later and did not hit puberty with such a 'big' bang, as it were. He did need to be told by my mother to 'stop pinching her bum or one day you're going to grab hold a maxi pad'. As he was still poking and pinching me playfuly as a game. But around 12 I was getting too old for it. But I would never miss the cuddles or hugs.
She is probably getting teased for either having too much or too little in the boob area by boys and even girls at school. The last thing she needs is for her body to be a problem at home too.
As for the sex problem. Talk to her honestly about relationships and sex. Talk to her about safe sex ALL the time. Repeat your values any chance you get. It doesn't need to be a lecture each time! I find with my 14 year old step son, it's good if you can some how focus your views or lessons on someone else, someone else's kid, a hypothetical kid or even a kid on T.V. I'll say things like, "You know it's funny how many people don't realize that herpes isn't curable!" or "Did you know that there was this kid on such-and such show that didn't know you can get pregnant the first time?! Isn't that crazy?"
Anyway, as long as your being self aware (which it seems that you are) and put your daughters self-esteme above your own 'freaked out'ness, you should be fine!
I talked to her last night about when I caught her masturbating. It was amazingly uncomfortable, but it was nice when it was done. It was especially akward when I told her that she should do it at night or when she feels noone is around. Of course I assured her that it was natural and even healthy.
I did feel that we had grown closer than we have in a while after that talk.
Another thing though, is that I've noticed my daughter pull away from me. We did feel close yesterday, but in a overall sense, I feel her pulling away also. Why do they do that? How close of a relationship can a guy have with his daughter in her teen years?
My 14ds is pulling away from me (mom) too - I think that's normal and right at this age, as they get closer to becoming mature adults. It's VERY hard as we've always been very close. We still are, but he sure doesn't want to do near as much with me/us as he used to - now it's alone or with friends. Thinking back, I was somewhat like that too, but I did a lot with my mom (my dad traveled for his job) - we shopped, went to movies, etc. I never did that stuff with my dad; he was busy when he was home, catching up on repairs and work paperwork - I never felt slighted because of that, FWIW; just knew he had things he needed to do too. DS wants nothing to do with movies or shopping any more unless it's to shop for something he wants right then. So I think it's just a normal part of growing up. You have to find things they still want to do with you, and relish those moments.
Sue
I don't have many answers for you as to why this happens. It would seem to be different from girl to girl. My dd15 has really pulled away from my dh, a little from me too, though not as bad. Far from him rejecting her due to her puberty, she has rejected HIM. You will hear him say, "you never let me hug you anymore." So it's not always the dad that pulls away, sometimes it's the girl. I know my dh and I both want to know...does he just give up on trying to be affectionate, as in respective the boundaries she is trying to set up, or does he just keep trying? It's a tough one...