Teens having sex in parents home
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| Thu, 12-28-2006 - 12:12am |
I know many parents oppose this, but whats wrong with allowing your teen to sleep with their
boyfriend/girlfriend at your house? I mean most kids nowadays have sex at 16 anyway.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that they should be allowed to have sex with anyone. But for example, I've told my daughter that she can't date until she's 16. But once she's 16 I don't really mind her having sex. I mean I want to raise a decent girl. I encourage her to wear modest clothing. I don't want her to go out wearing revealing clothing, bring any guy home and have sex with him.
But for ex. if shes been seeing him for a while and they're serious about each other, and of course I've met the guy and feel comfortable with him, I wouldn't mind if she had sex with him in my home.
I'm pretty open about sex and I've talked to her about condoms and birth control. I know they don't guarantee 100% but they are very effective.
I mean doesn't that sound much more reasonable than to completely ban them from having sex in your house?

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Feelings about this vary from person to person. Since my opinions on this are about 360 degrees in opposition from yours, I thought I would give you my own thoughts on why I don't want to have my kids having sex in my own home.
I believe that sex is best when shared between two consenting adults. At 16, they are far from being adults. If my teen wants to have sex, I believe they are going to do so, with or without my consent, you are right. But what does it say about me if I compromise my own values just because "they are going to do it anyway"? Not much, I would say. In addition, I don't want to know that my kids are having sex in the room next to mine and I might (perish the thought)hear something, anymore than they want to hear mom and dad moaning in the next room. Capiche? Now these thoughts may seem hopelessly old fashioned to you, and that's okay too, but I do deserve respect for my own values in my own home. In addition, I feel that to openly provide for them a place to have sex is doing nothing to teach them about making their own way in the world. They should know that being together, in the world, in their own place, is going to take some sacrifice, and when mom provides the place, they are learning nothing.
And lastly, since I really don't want to teens having sex in the first place (I am also different from you in that way, I just don't feel they have the emotional maturity they require) I am not going to give up what little influence I have, which is, in my home.
I'm with you 100% on this one Dragonfly. My children know that I believe that sex is best in a committed adult relationship, and if I compromise my own values "because they're going to do it anyway" I am teaching them that it's ok to compromise one's own values to make someone else happy - not a lesson I want to teach my kids. All 3 of my DSs were/are sexually active as teens, but I'm not going to give them the place to do it.
As far as "hearing something" - eeewwww. Talk about uncomfortable. About a year ago, I went to spend a few days with my DS and his DW of about 3 months. They were very welcoming, I spent three nights on the futon in their living room. One night I woke up to my DIL saying "She's probably going to wake up!" and my DS's reply "no, she won't, she sleeps like a log!" Oh how I wish he was right, and I'd continued to sleep like a log!!!!!!!! They really need to make those starter apts with much thicker walls!
Rose
No, I would not condone it. Fortunately, the issue has not come up, I am happy to say.
For young people (and especially young women) to grow up into responsibile adults who can maintain a long term, meaningful relationship, it is very important that they go thru the stage of "dating without sex". No wonder there is just a high divorce rate these days.
So many people have not learnt how to be in a relationship.
Dating should not be about sex but getting to know the person. They should spend time learning about the other person, talking to them and spending time with them. That person
should become their "best friend". Sex can and does cloud the issue at that age. They have not developed emotionally enough to be able to "walk away", when the times comes.
As I have told my daughter, any guy she might sleep with will be part of her emotional life for the rest of her life, so she better be careful.
Dating without sex empowers young women with the knowledge that they have every right to say NO and that they can be liked/loved for who they are,not for just sex. They are in control of their lives. Dating without sex empowers young men with the knownledge that they are more than just their hormones and that they too have a right to be liked for who they are.
To assume that just because kids are dating at 16, they are having sex is rather, well, strange. It would be like saying that just because someone drives, he is speeding. Or just because someone drinks, they are going to drink and drive. There are many kids out there who are not having sex at 16. There are many 16-year-olds and even 18-year-olds & 22-year-olds who are not having sex,just because they have a "boyfriend" or "girlfriend" Over the holidays, this house was full of teens just like that.
Instead of saying "what the h*ll", everyone is doing it, a better approach would be to foster and encourage a strong sense of responsibility. As my father told me when I was a teen, you engage in adult behaviour only when you are old enough to take care of the consequences of that behaviour. Those consequences include not only the obvious ones (ie, B/C can fail. Condons don't protect you 100% from every STD..) but the emotional scars as well.
Life happens and sometimes, kids get carried away. So, of course, it is important to make sure they know how to protect themselves and help them deal with the emotional aftermath.
I agree! I don't particularly want my DDs at 16 (any of the 4) to have sex with anyone. And, if they chose to do so, I do not want them to do it in my home. My home is a place of safety to my children and I do not want it to become a "love shack" to any one.
I also think teens should spend much more time just getting to know each other and hanging out. All adults should spend more time getting to know the one you're going to marry, or be siginificantly involved with. When you're first together, the sex is almost always good, when you finally do "it". If you jump in and have the sex at the beginning of a relationship before you find out if you are in love (or even like) with the person, you run a much higher chance of the relationship dissolving. You also run the risk of becoming pregnant and being forever linked to someone you possibly just can't stand to be around. I do not see the problem with saving that special act(s) to have with someone who's proven to be trustworthy and devoted, not just the next guy or girl on the list.
Sallie
so true.
How many people have mistakenly thought they were in love when they were really in lust.
Those hormones are very powerful! They are giddy "in love" only to find out that they are "settling" for someone who is not right for them. Love is something that builds in time and
becomes deeper and stronger.
I tell my DD that the guy you might want to date when you are 18 is not necessarily the guy
you would want to marry when you are 25. You have to take time to not only to get to know your potential partner but also to get to know yourself.
There is no hurry. After all,some of the best wines are aged to perfection.
I understand why you would say no. However as I said before, I wouldn't just allow her to bring any guy home and sleep with him under my roof. It would have to be a committed relationship and I would have to feel comfortable with him.
Interestingly though many of you are already aware that your sons or daughters are sexually active. So if you know they're having sex and you know the person they're doing it with and like him and feel comfortable with him, whats the problem?
Do you guys oppose it for more symbolic reasons rather than practical ones?
So...... If I understand this correctly mom will "screen" potential sex partners for DD and based on her assessment of commitment level, open the bedroom door and let them have at it?
These threads seem to always turn up during school breaks...
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