14 yr. old and boyfriend behind my back

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2006
14 yr. old and boyfriend behind my back
7
Sun, 12-31-2006 - 11:28pm

i have a 14 year old who has a boyfriend. the rules are she can't be with him alone, could in a group- but i have to know and OK it, he can come to our house when i am home. today she told me she was meeting a girlfriend to see a movie, no mention of other boys. i got to the designated meeting place early, which was a mall, looked around a bit, and there she was with her boyfriend. i saw them coming out of the theater, was shocked, then confronted at a store. when i say confronted, i mean i went up to them, not yell and scream or even mention about the boy. just "hi" and regular conversation. her girlfriend was nearby.
so we get home and i start talking about it being behind my back, rules, i was lied to, and said therre would be grounding.
man did she go off. anger, yelling, left the house- but came back in because we have 2 feet of snow and she didn't have shoes on. all the teenage "you're ruining my life" "i hate you" "i'm going to live with dad" tears and tears "you hate XXX (the boyfriend)"

so, it begins. any advice? she will be grounded, i won't give in, but looking for any help!!! she is drop dead gorgeous and the boys will be around like flies.

**i have more to add. i put tracking software on the computer because i did not have good gut feelings about this kid. needed to see IM's. and, her dad believed she may have a public myspace. well, the IM's from this boy are quite sexual. wanting sex with her. talks about oral and other types of sex. she doesn't respond quite in kind, but is not discouraging it. i don't know what to do. i know i need to talk more about sex, values, respectful treatment by boys, self respect.
she took pictures of her butt (clothed) and emailed them to him.
help!!!! do i confront her with this? or go the teaching route and monitor her?




Edited 1/1/2007 2:08 am ET by smokey_99
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Mon, 01-01-2007 - 9:17am

My gut says the teaching route will get you farther than any confrontations or arguements, which will likely lead to her being angry and acting out more. IMHO parenting is more about teaching and guidance than punishments, especially as our kids hit the teen years, and especially in their romantic relationships. As soon as they think we're trying to keep them from their SOs, that's when the sneaking and lieing start.

In the situation that you describe, what did your DD do RIGHT? She said she was going to the movie with a g/f and she did. You've told her that she is not to be with b/f alone - they were in a public place, with the g/f. Is it possible that the original plans were in fact, for the girls to spend the time, just the two of them, at the movies, and when DD told the b/f that he just showed up? And because they were in a public place, and were essentially sticking to the plan that you ok'd, DD didn't think to call you and say "BTW, X showed up, we're all going to the movie, I'll see ya in a couple of hours."? Teenagers don't think the way we do, and when I think about my DD and her b/f in a similar scenario, I could easily see things working out that way.

And then there is the whole part about the sexually explicit IMs and the picture. Maybe I'm still naive after raising 3 boys to adulthood and a DD to 15, but sometimes this stuff is just so much talk, and the boy trying to establish what your DD's boundaries are. A perfect set up for a talk about valuing oneself, self-respect, and any boy worth having for a b/f is going to value DD beyond the physical side of the relationship. The kids don't put the same values on the physical side of relationships as adults do, maybe because they don't understand the power of it yet. I wouldn't be happy about the IMs and picture either, and would probably, without mentioning the b/f or my knowledge of the IMs, have a "chat" about the way teen culture tends to objectify women for their sexual value, and how DD has so much more to offer than that.

Honestly, I got lucky with my DD, she's overheard enough of my comments to DSs over the years about women being more than their boobs and butt, respecting g/f's boundaries, being friends before being lovers, etc., that now that she has a fairly serious b/f (for 15) she's already gotten those lessons since she was about 10. Her b/f has been around the block more often at 16 than a lot of guys have been by the time they're 20, actually has a son out there somewhere (he and the baby's mother gave the child for adoption about 8 months ago), but N tells me that he's respectful of her boundaries in the physical side of their relationship. She says she's still committed to waiting to have sex until she's engaged, has told T that, and he respects that. Doesn't mean that they have a "hands off" relationship, but they also aren't all about sex either. Yes, I monitor her IMs & emails, as well as the text messages they send each other, and while they're not 100% innocent, they're also not very graphic either. I think the most graphic I've seen is when he IM'd her that her butt looked pretty sexy in the jeans she wore to school that day - and truthfully, it would be an odd relationship if there wasn't some of that physical spark there. Yeah, it's hard to find out that some boy is looking at my DD that way, but it really is pretty normal too. She DID look good in those jeans, and he'd have to be a saint not to notice. Maybe after raising DSs first (one of whom made it his mission to 'sow his wild oats' pretty much in every available field, much to my dismay) I've developed a different attitude than I would have if I'd have had DD first.

You've probably worked to instill morals and values in your DD for the past 14 years, as she struggles thru the teen years she's really going to need your support in sticking to those morals and values in spite of teen culture's messages to the opposite. Everywhere they turn, messages are about casual sex, parents are stupid, and "do your own thing" - they have to get their grounding somewhere, and that's where you come in. Good luck... and sorry this is so long. I'm sometimes pretty wordy! ;)
Rose

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2006
Mon, 01-01-2007 - 11:00am
thanks rose. i appreciate every word, long winded or not!!
the rest of the info is that via the software, i know by IM's that it was planned to meet him, he did not show up on his own. DD and BF planned it and only included the friend of my DD so i would let her go. she did not mention the bf being there. i checked on her, caught her and she lied, besides going against her rules.
i have had a feeling she was meeting him and another reason needing to know. she is drop dead gorgeous, attracks boys like flies, this boy has much much more freedom than she does, and has sent dirty IM's to her friends which i think borders on sexual harrassment, if not actually is. she broke up with him twice already, but goes back.
also, there is a message from a pornograpy site/person about cams on his myspace.
*sigh* yes they were in public, but an IM a couple days ago talks about the bf's cousin thinking they are prudish for not basically having IM sex. like phone sex but IM. i believe in a matter of time he may convince her to meet him alone.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Mon, 01-01-2007 - 11:41am

Maybe I'm not reading what you intended, but what I'm hearing is that you feel the b/f doesn't respect your DD, and by extension, you. If there's this much sexuality in their IMs, and the cousin thinks they should be doing IM sex, then it sounds like he and/or his cousin have forgotten that your DD is a PERSON deserving of respect. That's pretty much the scenario that bothered me so much about my DS's promiscuity a few years back, although he was having sex, not just IM sex. AND he was 19 at the time, and an adult, so I felt pretty limited in what I was able to say/do about it.

Do what you can, without letting on to your DD that you are monitoring her IMs, to let her know your values in relationships, that it has to be about more than sex or it's not going to be good for her or her self esteem. I give my opinions on a lot of things when I watch tv or movies with my kids, and therefore don't bring their friends or relationships into it. They seem to get the picture without getting defensive and angry that way, coz I'm criticizing a fictional character and not one of their friends.

Another thing I've done is talk about some of the craziness that comes with adult relationships... for example, I have a recently divorced friend who is having an affair with a man who is engaged to someone else. They can't go anywhere or do much of anything in public in our small town, so their relationship is about the sex and that's about it. I've used that relationship as an example for my DD of what not to do... not so much the being with an engaged man, but how someone's self esteem can be shot by being in a relationship that's about nothing but the sex. She countered with stories of classmates (not friends) who have casual sex, and we talk about how the girls end up feeling about themselves when they find out that casual sex isn't getting them the love they're looking for, etc., etc. By keeping the discussions about someone other than DD (and in the past, my DSs) it helps to keep them from putting a wall up, but they still get the moral lesson I want to convey. Good luck, sounds like you're going to have your hands full.
Rose

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2006
Mon, 01-01-2007 - 12:16pm
rose that is a lot of it, getting into something way over her head. respect from boys. subtle pressure (prudish to not be into sex over IM's.)plus sneaking against her rules. i know a lot of teens do that. she knows i'm supposed to know who she is meeting at all times, and where and for what.
thanks for your help!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2007
Mon, 01-01-2007 - 12:18pm
Hi my name is tammy and I also have a fourteen year old daughter. I am going through pretty much the same thing you are. My daughter for one doesn't understand why I do not agree with letting her go to a boys house. We have tried to put a limit on the computer time because she gets on my space and conversates to friends etc. I use to know her pass word to keep up on her conversations but now that has changed. I feel that I would rather her be here at home with me so I can keep a eye on her than out hanging around. When I was able to get on her myspace I knew what was being said and what might be planned. When i was doing some reading I could not believe the things that were being said from all these boys. Lets just say shocked!!!! She is a beautiful girl and I am very concerened and of course she doesn't see it that way. I try to keep her home as much as possible but try and trust her when she goes somewhere. So I really can't give any advice because I am in the same situation and I myself wonder if what I am doing is right. I have a 19 year old son and he was so much easier to bring up. So this is my first time going through this with a girl and I have one more heading there she is 12. If you need to talk anytime I am here.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2006
Mon, 01-01-2007 - 3:05pm
tammy what i do with mine on myspace is i must have her password at all times or she cannot use the computer. she was real willing to give it to me to be able to have myspace and has not tried to change it or anything.
i have parental control software on too so i can block her from myspace if i need to, and she has her own desktop/profile on windows as a limited account only so i can put a password on her desktop so she cannot get on the computer. my desktop has a password too.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-14-2006
Tue, 01-02-2007 - 7:02pm
I am dealing with some of these same issues with my 15 year old dd. I do think there should be penalties for lying. Grounding my daughter for lying has made a big impression on her. At first, she acted nonchalant about it, but in her monitored e-mails, it was clear that she spent a lot of time reflecting on her grounding/punishments. She also announced to me that she wanted to enjoy the level of trust she had previously enjoyed and demonstrated a legitimate desire to be more trustworthy. I don't think that she would have made such important character gains had we opted to not punish her for lying. The real world involves consequences for misbehavior. Employers and professors all will demand accountability. Authoritative parenting can help nurture responsible young adults. Calm, rational, natural consequences make sense. A contract in writing might even be advisable. The consequences should fit the situation. For example, in my dd's case, the natural consequence for lying about internet use was to lose the use of the family laptop in her room. Her failure to observe bedtimes and use of cellphones beyond 10PM led to the natural condequence of having to turn in her phone at 10 PM every night. These are long term consequences with no foreseeable end date in sight. An additional consequence for inappropriate internet use was the institution of online monitoring of internet activity via stealth software. She was told that she would be monitored, but the details about how much information I can collect was not shared. Considering that she has made overtures to communicate with grown men on myspace, I feel the stealth software is an essential safety tool. That consequence will remain in place as long as she is living in this home or until she displays more maturity in her decision-making. The natural consequence for lying/misleading me about going to the movies with a boy was that she could no longer carpool and that I would always be checking out the details of events in greater detail. I did not opt to fully ground her beyond one week as I feel that it is my responsibility to teach her to exercise appropriate socialization skills, so a prolonged grounding would prevent her ability to practice socializing in a safe and honest way. Best of wishes.
Mimi