Me and my mom all over again

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2006
Me and my mom all over again
13
Wed, 01-03-2007 - 8:06pm

Hi, I hate to introduce myself this way, but my 14 year old daughter hates me and wants to move in with her dad and I'm beside myself.

this could get long so I'l try to be as concise as possible. I'm a single mom but the girls dad is very involved. They (3 girls) have always lived with me since the divorce. I'm not a perfect mom, and I'm hard on myself about my mistakes. Everyone else is, too, but that's another story. My mistakes AREN'T things like drinking, doing drugs, bringing home men, not paying the electricity bill. I love my kids, and do the mom stuff without fail. they have never been abondoned or gone hungry. I've never beaten them except in my imagination occasionally. Some may think they are spoiled, the have nice things and have never had to live in a dump.

Now for my faults. I'm impatient. I've got a "strong personality". I'm very direct, sometimes lacking tact and diplomacy. I point things out to people that make them mad. I'm decisive, which freaks peple out who don't like change... like my kids. that's where things have really fallen apart. My kids have moved 4 times since they started school. I have gradually learned over time just how much they hated it. It's something I regret, and would change if I could. I failed them in this area. Now, I had "good" reasonas for moving each time.. a better job, buying my first house, selling house to go back to school while I can still do it on the governments dime. Not bad reasons like being evicted or following a boyfriend to Idaho. But the effect was the same. My youngest daughter is so angry with me for moving her (among other things) that she wants to move in with her dad. i know it's not that simple, that she's been building up her dislike over years, but this has brought it to a head, along with simply being a teen.

She can't move in with dad bwcause he works swing shift. Working 3pm-2am would mean she would be alone ALL THE TIME. Obviously not a good plan. She's angry and refuses to see that it would be wrong f me to allow it. Her dad is unfortunatley unable to be honest with her and deal with her anger, so he tells her that he wants her to move in with him but she can't because I won't allow it. It sucks that I have to be the bad guy all the time, but thats how it is with him. Of course she loves him and thinks her life would be swell if she lived with him. Ugh, I'm rambling, but I need to get some of this out. you can skip to the question at the bottom if you want to.

Most of us know how insanely unreasonable a teen girl can be. There is no logic at all living in my daughters head at this time. I know this is true because I can remember what it felt like to be that age and feel like that about my mom. But I can see it from an adult point of view now, too.

She has declared the following in no uncertain terms: I hate you. there is nothing you can do to make me happy. It doesn't matter if you're sorry, I'm not going to forgive you or like you or love you. I'm not going to make friends here because I don't trust you not to make me move again and leave them. the only thing that will make me happy is if you let me move to dad's. the only thing that will make me happy is if I never have to see you again.

Please understand, I believe my daughter has some legitimate reasons to be unhappy with choices I've made. I've been harder on myself about my mistakes than my mother ever was. I have not blamed her for her unhappiness. I've apologized. I understand that it takes time to get over anger and hurt. I've expressed this to her. I've also gotten frustrated and angry at her for being disrespectful to me and justifying it because she hates me and doesn't care how I feel. (her own words)

I'm at a loss. I don't want her to waste the next 4 years with me being miserable. I know that she has to decide that she is going to let it go and get on with it. I can't force her to get happy. I can only move forward and try to be patient and treat her respectfully.

Here is my question. She keeps telling me how much she hates me. I have a huge problem with this, obviously. it hurts. it also makes me anry. It feels like abuse and it also is hypocrytical because this kid who hates me has no problem accepting a gift from me that she really wants, then continuing to give me the cold shoulder and mutter about how much she hates me. How would you handle this? I won't accept her behavior, as much as I'm so sad that she's unhappy. I feel that she needs to be able to tell me how she feels, but just spewing out I hate you's feels like an attack. I also made her angry by pointing out that she takes from me without giving back the most basic, which is respect. I am torn between ignoring it and continuing to behave as a loving mother, driving her places, giving her things, and stripping it down to the basics... food, clothing and shelter, and giving her a taste of what it would be like if I really didn't care about her happiness.

I need help. My heart is hurting, and I know hers is too. I feel like I'm trying to communicate with an alien. Do I make an issue if she tells me she hates me out of the blue, r just suck it up and figure it's the price of being a parent?

help

Heather




Edited 1/3/2007 9:19 pm ET by heatherisnotaweed

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2003
Wed, 01-03-2007 - 8:40pm

I don't have a lot of advice. But, there are always things that we would have done differently if we had a choice. Your daughter is young. She will continue to live well even through these hard times for her, poor baby. She's not the only person who's had to leave a friend behind, and does she write them letters? Is she able to call them? It's not the end of the world. Like she'd stay near them when she turns 18, and is NEVER going to move away from anyone in the future.

As for you, Mom, IMHO, I wouldn't do anything else for her besides the basics. The necessities is all she needs. If she already thinks your mean horrible and cruel, why, why would you ever do anything that would benefit her. Let her see just how bad it can REALLY be, because she obviously isn't going to move in with daddy who isn't home 75% of the time, KWIM? That's reality. Is daddy going to get a full-time day job, just so he can be there at night when she's out of school? If he doesn't then I would keep my foot firmly planted on that one, and get it in writing if he says yes. Time for another life lesson for her. If she wants all the "sweet stuff", she's got to be willing to be respectful if nothing else.

Best wishes to you!!

Sallie

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2006
Wed, 01-03-2007 - 9:06pm

Sallie,

thank you so much for your reply! I've been beating myself up on the one hand and being upset and resntful on the other hand that all the good things I do don't make a difference. She said today "You think that makes a difference?! You think anything nice you do can make up for taking me out of my school and not letting me move in with dad?". Apparently not! I find my self respect preventing me from kissing her feet constantly in the hopes she'll forgive me and act like she loves me again.

It's interesting you ask about her calling her friends. I asked her just about an hour ago what she's done to keep in touch with the two friends she misses. Nothing. She's so mad that she isn't going to school with them she's just stopped keeping in touch. that sounds like a choice to me, and one I can't be blamed for. I've made it clear ver the years by my actions that I'm willing to drive her and her friends here and there, even when the friends parents don't do thier part. She's wallowing in it, and while I did the same as a teen, it's still frustrating.

the issue with her dad is especially frustrating. Her dad is very passive aggressive. When the issue of her going to live with him was first brought up I asked to talk to him in person. I was calm and asked what he thought. He said his chances of getting a day job were slim to none and that he didn't think she would be happier living with him. She nagged at him and wore him down so that he said what she wanted to hear, just to shut her up. Then he turned things around so I took the blame for a decision that was really mutual. I can say this here, since I can't say it anywhere else... I hate that man! I hate it that he resents me so much that he'd cause such confusion in his kid. that he would tell me one thing and her another and then tell her that I lied. I really feel that he gets satisfaction from seeing the friction he's created. He actually told her that the only reason I won't let her move in with him is that I don't want to lose my "meal ticket"! Now, he's always paid child support on time, no question there, but $600 a month for 2 kids isn't exactly a meal ticket for me. I mean come on! When our oldest turned 18 the child support was reduced by 1/3, no complaints from me.

Ugh! Yuck, and double yuck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-14-2006
Wed, 01-03-2007 - 9:07pm

There are always things that we wish we had done differently. The only way we can make that up to our kids is to do those different things now and going forward.

<<<>>

Is this still true or in the past? These are not just run-of-the-mill parent mistakes, they're huge. And a good way to build trust with your DD would be to address these things.

You describe yourself as "decisive" and "impatient" and "strong personality". It sounds like your DD has many of the same personality characteristics. While these can be difficult personality traits, they can also be turned into strenghts. Maybe you can manage your own stuff and show her ways to manage hers. I mean you can say "I like things to happen quickly, but they can't always be that way. Here's what I'm doing to learn patience."

Also, I think you have to pick your battles, and decrease what you battle about. If my DD said "I hate you", I would just walk away. I might say "I can't talk to you when you say those things", but I wouldn't get into a fight. When you're both calmer you can address specific issues, and work together to develop a solution. You might look for a family counselor to help you work through some of this.

Sue

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2006
Wed, 01-03-2007 - 9:17pm
OMG! That is such a lesson to me to proof read my posts before hitting that button. That should read "my mistakes ARE NOT things like... etc." yikes! Sorry. yes, if I'd been up to things like that I'd expect her to RUN to her dad. But no, I'm a homebody mommy. I have been guilty of neglecting to get dinner because I wanted to finish a knitting project, but not for drugs or men.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2006
Wed, 01-03-2007 - 9:20pm
I've edited my OP to avoid any more confusion ... how embarrassing...
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2006
Thu, 01-04-2007 - 2:59am

Heather-
Looking back on when I was 13-14 I was horrible to my mother. It might as well have been right out of your post. Moving is traumatic....but they are very very flexible at that age, and shift gears rapidly. (new friends, experiences at school). She could email, text message her friends etc. etc.

You sum it up well and I will paste your exact paragraph: "My mistakes AREN'T things like drinking, doing drugs, bringing home men, not paying the electricity bill. I love my kids, and do the mom stuff without fail. they have never been abondoned or gone hungry. I've never beaten them except in my imagination occasionally. Some may think they are spoiled, the have nice things and have never had to live in a dump."

With that you have covered all the bases and are providing a better situation than most children in the world ever get a chance at. Your daughter will get over her little trauma. Think about it, because of you, this is seemingly worst thing she has had to face.

I like to read american literature......in particular Mark Twain. He wrote he had left home at 16 because his father was the stupidest man on the earth. He next saw him 10 years later, and said it was amazing how much the old man had learned in that time.

Your daughter will thank you over and over in a few years. The friction that you have to get thru now is she only is thinking of the next few days/weeks in her life, which is one of the big liabilities of being a teen.

Diane

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-24-2006
Thu, 01-04-2007 - 3:23am

<<>>

Hope you don't mind, but I got a little chuckle out of it! Maybe because I've been in your shoes, lol.

zz

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-14-2006
Thu, 01-04-2007 - 6:56am

Sorry! Well, that certainly changes things!! LOL

I thnk, then, that working with your daughter on those strong personality traits that you both have will go a long way.

But, also, don't take it personally. I think all kids are mean to their mothers at some point in their teen years - most mellow out eventually. Don't let yourself be dragged into emotional fights that no one can win. You can be the calmer, more adult one, and teach your daughter at teh same time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 01-04-2007 - 9:37am

I would do what the experts recommend you do when your preschooler tells you she hates you-"Im sorry to hear that. I love YOU." and move on with your day

You two may certainly need to talk this all out more but that certainly isnt the opening line to begin the process. When the incidents decrease or stop, I would initiate a discussion-it will be tempting to think it is over, phew...but I think a talk needs to be had once she is calm enough to really listen

I personally do not agree with any kind of "if you're going to treat me like that, I will treat you like this" procedures but I have seen the option utilized on the board before, sometimes with success

It WILL pass....just keep chanting that :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2006
Thu, 01-04-2007 - 11:28am

Heather,

As most everyone has already said, all parents do things the later regret, or wish they had done differently. It's time to stop beating yourself up about those things -- you can't change the past and hindsight is always 20/20. As an aside, I had DS12 come to me over the summer about 8:30pm and asked 'did we have dinner tonight?'. Oops. Wasn't knitting, just wasn't hungry so didn't think about food.

Your DD is understandably upset and angry. She feels like her life has been turned upside down -- she's mad at the situation she's in -- and she's holding you responsible. Again, I can understand that. Deep down, she probably understands the reasons for having to move so many times but she can still be mad about it. I don't think there is a teenager on the planet who wouldn't be bothered by it.

Anyway, go forward now. There is a country song popular on the radio now that says 'when you're going through Hell, just keep moving ...' (I know this is a famous quote from someone but I don't remember who!) and I think that's what you should do -- keep moving forward and try not to let your DD's anger throw you off course.

Take the 'I hate you's' with a grain of salt. Haven't we all, as teenagers, felt, thought and probably said the same thing? It's not you she hates -- it's what is happening at this particular moment and time in her life that she hates and as the primary authority figure in her life, she is directing that emotion at you. Try to ignore it, or as another poster said, respond to it as you would a toddler by telling her you're sorry to hear that because you happen to love her.

I wouldn't try to 'buy' her love or affection right now, so if it were me, I wouldn't buy any special treats of gifts until things calm down. Of course if she needs shoes, she should get them, but outside of necessities she probably has all that she needs. Just treat her the same way you are treating your other DD.

Another thing you could do is 'arrange' for her to get together with the two friends she is missing. Maybe you could say something like 'I just noticed that Saturday is a free day. Would you like to call X and Y and see if they would like to get together here?'

Sorry you're going through this ... hang in there!

Julie

 

 

 

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