DD Would Like Advice ...
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| Wed, 01-10-2007 - 12:14pm |
... from moms other than me.
Some of you may remember my post from 2-3 months ago about her 16yo friend with the super-strict parents. At the time, friend was not going to be allowed to go to either the Homecoming game or Homecoming dance because 'teenage pregnancy is on the rise, especially in California". We happen to live in California and DD's friend sat home on Homecoming night, as she does every night of her life -- unless she goes out with her parents somewhere. She is not allowed to IM or go live on her PC because 'chats can be intercepted', so friend is only allowed e-mail.
Things have not gotten any better for friend. She was not allowed to go with us to the Haunted Hayride (even though I was going to be there), any football game, dance, or party -- not even the 100% chaperoned all-girl Sweet 16 ice-skating party last month. In other words, friend does NOTHING out side of school and a VERY few school-related activities. Mom accompanies friend and participates in those few activities friend is allowed -- she sat in the theater a few rows back at "Pirates II" over the summer when a group got together to see it, painted the women's shelter right along with her for community service, ... well, you get the picture.
The latest is that friend got into serious trouble when she tried to plead her case about attending dances -- and was threatened with homeschooling if she brings it up again. Dad says dances are just an 'excuse for kids to get together to do drugs and have sex', and that friend didn't 'know what she was talking about' when friend said 'NO, it's not! We just want to hang out with our friends and dance'. Dad then tells friend that her 'friends don't care about you, I DO.' Needless to say, this is one sad and unhappy 16yo girl.
DD is outraged by what she perceives as a serious injustice against her friend -- and also feels insulted by dad's insinuation that she, as this girls friend, does not care about her. DD thinks she will be able to convince friends' parents to give friend more freedom, or would at least like to try. When friend was not allowed to go on the Haunted Hayride, I called mom and didn't reach her so left a message asking her if she would please reconsider her decision and let her DD go with us, that I would be there ... etc. I also apologized for stepping out of line, and explained that my DD was really hoping her DD could go. Mom never called me back. That alone says it all to me.
I told DD that her friend was not being abused or neglected and there wasn't much I could do about somebody's else child, that friends parents' obviously feel they are acting in the best interest of their DD, but imo, they aren't doing her any favors and that is ultimately going to backfire on them. BUT, not my place to try and change that. I happen to feel it is a shame friends' parents don't trust her when they haven't even given her the opportunity to show that she really can be trusted but again, nothing I can do about that.
Anyway, DD would like some thoughts, opinions and/or advice from other parents. DD is very close this girl and while she offers her as much support as she possibly can, she feels like she should be doing more.
Anybody have any thoughts that are different from mine?
TIA,
Julie
Edited to add:
In the meantime, I told DD that she probably is better off not even asking this friend to do anything, since the answer will most like be 'no' and then she wouldn't be disappointed.
Edited 1/10/2007 12:17 pm ET by hydrangea_blue

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That is a tough situation for all concerned. However, I agree with what you have said. As long as the child is not being abused or neglected, the parents have authority over how she is raised up until she reaches the age of emancipation. Since you just talk about outside events that your daughter's friend is not allowed to attend, what about inviting the girl (along with some friends) to your house? Or has the friend's mom ever invited a group of friends to her house (where she could personally supervise them)? It just seems to me that some kind of compromise could be worked out here. Also, is it possible that someone could mediate this - perhaps a school counselor? Julie, I feel for your daughter and for her friend. If the friend is 16, she only has a few years left under her parent's authority, yes? I look forward to what others have to say about this.
Hugs,
Amelia
Thanks, Amelia. Friend is usually not allowed to visit friends -- or have friends over -- if it's just for fun. In other words, to hang out, watch movies, eat junk food, etc. ... no. HOWEVER, she is allowed out if the reason for being out involves school. She was allowed to come here (once) when DD had her European History study group over. DD went with her (and her mother) to see "Marie Antoinette" since they got extra credit in Euro if the watched it and wrote a paper on it. Same with meeting at the state college library over Christmas break for a study session. But when DD asked her to come here for no reason than just to hang out, it was 'too far away and if something happens we won't be able to get to you quickly'.
And I did tell DD that last night 'two more years and she can leave and not look back'. And from the e-mails DD showed me last night, that is exactly what this girl is planning on doing.
Thank you, again, for your thoughts.
Wow! I'm surprised this girl hasn't rebelled already! So sad, IMO!
Tell your daughter that the cyber moms here are sending hugs her way (and for the friend)!
Amelia
One of my girls is 16 too. She was friends with a girl whos parents were / are just like this. No matter what this group of young girls did (all really good kids,great students,never been any problems etc), her parents were critical of the world (it appeared) and she wasn't allowed to participate in anything. Try as they may (or even you and I as Moms), nothing will change. This is their daughter and right or wrong, they will raise her as they see fit.
I will tell you what happened here to this girl though. Eventually the group stopped asking her. The friendships changed with this girl and soon after, her parents began homeschooling her. This girl btw, fought them on this and quickly there after, I found myself having to tell my own daughter that I did not want her to have contact with this girl or her family. The girl had begun to get into severe trouble to the point where the police were called to the home numerous times. Btw, in the end, the parents couldn't "control" her and sent her off to one of those boot camp places where she's supposed to learn "respect"...according to the girls mother (I ran into her about a month ago), she has a "respect" problem and this will teach her. I was speechless.
Julie,
I guess you can go ahead and tell your dd that all the moms agree with you - not much you can do at this point.
If it were me as your dd, I think I'd be devious and come up with some new 'study groups' that this friend just has to be part of, where the group meets at my house. Not that I condone this as a mom, but that's what I'd have done as a kid!
Sue
On this one, I think I can play the part of your DD's friend's parents. After DS17 was suspended for drinking, I think many other parents thought we were overly strict; and maybe we were because we honestly felt we couldn't trust DS. I guess it's a little different because we weren't condemning what everone else does, but just preventing him from making another bad decision. Although we know my son is a follower and was not an instigator in the incident, we never thought that the other kids were BAD--they just all made a dumb decision, and they were all responsible.
Two months after DS was suspended, he got an after-school detention for being tardy 3X. For that I grounded him for the weekend. But one of his friends, a basketball player, called me on that Friday and said "we really need DS's support at the game tonight"...yeah right. I did let him go because it was a big game, but he was home by 9pm. Sounds like your DD might not be as successful with her friend's parents.
Anyhow, after feeling that other parents didn't understand us, I think what might help is you and DH, and maybe one other couple, getting together with her parents for dinner or something. So that they get to know their daughter's, friend's parents. Let the discussion naturally progress to the kids' activities outside of school, so that they become aware of what their daughter is missing. Maybe you've already tried that, but if not, it's worth a try!
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http://www.pnhp.org/news/2009/october/meet_the_new_health_.php
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DQTBYQlQ7yM
Well, count me as a mom that agrees with you that there is probably not anything she or you could say or do to influence her friend's parents. You are right in that she only has 2 more years until she can declare her "freedom" but 2 years is an absolute *lifetime* to a young girl. My heart breaks for her...all the things she is missing out on.
I totally agree that her parents are doing this girl no favors and it will surely someday backfire on them, but there is really nothing anyone can do. I'm so sorry that your own daughter feels insulted by her friend's father's words, but she must understand that he apparently looks at the world thru a very narrow window and she should let his view roll off her back.
Hugs to all involved.
Hi Julie
I'm sorta late in the day here. IMHO, your DD will just have to tough it out with her friend. >>>>DD thinks she will be able to convince friends' parents to give friend more freedom, or would at least like to try.<<<<< I would be extremely offended if a *child* called me to convince me that my parenting decisions are wrong. I believe that C's heart is in the right place, and her intentions are good, I just can't imagine it being received well. Especially, since you tried and it didn't work. If the other mom contacted you, you might have some input, but that doesn't seem very likely.
((HUGS)) to you and C.
Sue
I'm not a parent, I'm just an adult teenager who has seen this type of situation before - and not playing a racist angle here, but it happens a lot in Asian families, and more often than not, the daughters are very limited in their activities, while the sons have a lot of freedom. It is what I have seen in my life.
However, I know of one boy my best guy mate told me about, whose parents have pledged to throw their son out of home if he gets a less than 99.40 ENTER. ENTER is the rank used to determine university acceptance, and the highest possible rank is 99.50 (a "perfect" score).
I find that when we see injustice in the world involving parents and their children, we do not usually get involved because of some archaic belief that you do not interfere with another person's children. But the irony is that maybe if we interfered, life would be better for both parties.
I really have nothing to add, except that OP's DD seems like a wonderful person. However, she cannot expect attempts to reason with her friend's parents to be met with enthusiasm. If they view their teenage daughter as simply "a child", they are not going to view your DD as anything more than that either, and will not listen to any input she gives, because in their view it is not her place to even have an opinion.
This is a very tough situation, and I really do feel for your DD, but she will find that challenging the parents of this girl on this matter will not do her - or her friend - any favours. If anything, they will become tougher on this poor girl - and yes, that is entirely possible. Study groups will be replaced by more private tutors, and so forth. Sadly enough, the situation is not going to change once the friend turns 18.
I'm really sorry that your DD has to be going through this, along with her friend, but if it's any comfort to the OP... I'd love to have your daughter as a friend. I know, she knows, and I think you know that your daughter will not drop this girl, as futile as the situation seems.
I think you're proud of her, and I would be too.
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