My 14yr. daugh. just lost her virginity

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2007
My 14yr. daugh. just lost her virginity
9
Thu, 04-12-2007 - 3:54pm

I just learned that my 14yr.daughter had sex with a boy, who she barely knew, she took a preg. home test, her friends mom took her to planned parent hood for another test. I only learned this as she told her older sister 21yr., who promised not to tell, which she did, and I'm waiting to bring it up so her older sister won't appear to be the one who told me.
I am so SHOCKED at this... She's not even dating, she's obviously not in love, and the guy
and her quit talking right after the act. I don't know what to do... I plan to take her in for an exam, and all the necessary STD & Preg. test. I am worried that she's so going to regret this as she matures, and she did tell her sister that it hurt, he told him stop, he did BUT then kept going and it quit hurting, so was she pushed, or forced into this? She may not have told me, as she saw what we went through when her older sister got pregnat at 17. BUT it all worked out wonderfully... She had sex in her room when I was at work, and her dad travels out of town most weeks, Mon. - Fri. I want to tear the friends mother apart for not telling me, and not even bringing up STD testing! If she were in my shoes she'd want to know and I'd have informed her...

ANY ONE been through this and have a suggestion????? I am so floored by this!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 04-12-2007 - 4:39pm

I'm sorry-you must feel like someone ran you over with a bulldozer right now!

I have one who can tell some tall tales so I don't feel I would ever interfere in the parent-child relationship by providing a child with a pregnancy test. To me, the idea that said child would exaggerate her parents reaction is very real and I think that is usually how these things go down.

I dont have any BTDT experience(and I have boys)but just wanted to send you warm thoughts.

How are you planning to bring it up? That sounds like it's going to be a tough one although I understand your reluctance to being in your older dd.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Thu, 04-12-2007 - 5:51pm
I sent you an email thru your profile.
Rose
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2004
Thu, 04-12-2007 - 5:57pm

I am so sorry. If I were you, I would be furious with that woman. First of all (at least in this country), the rules are very clear. A woman has the right to say NO at any time.
And No means No not maybe or keep going till it doesn't hurt anymore. That young man could very well be guilty of "date rape". I would be furious with that woman!
At the very least, you should have had the opportunity to decide to act (ie. contact the police...) or not. That would have been yours, your DH nd your daughter's decision.

Give your DD a big hug for me and tell that it will be ok. Things happen but she always has the right to say no,at all time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2005
Thu, 04-12-2007 - 11:17pm

I'm so sorry. If it were me, not only would I feel like I'd been run over by a bulldozer, but my heart would be in my stomache.

Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 04-13-2007 - 9:19am

Hugs - I'm sure you're still reeling from this news, as it is very shocking. I know I'd be blown away as well.

Have you spoken with your dd yet? What worries me the most is that she just had random sex with a virtual stranger, talked to another mom about it, and has been going through all the emotional and physical aspects of this without familial support. It certainly sounds possible that she was coerced by this young man. I'm glad your dd told you about it. And while I would too be angry with that other mom, I would focus on your dd for now - you have time to contend with that other mom later.

It's great that you're going to have your dd checked out medically. I think you should also consider having her checked out emotionally and psychologically. While it is not all that unusual for 14 y/o girls to be having sexual relations, it is odd in the way in which it occurred. My concern would really be that she is safe and sound, both physically and emotionally. She may somehow feel responsible for getting herself into that situation, but if the guy coerced her or forced her in any way, she cannot be blamed for that, especially if she said no.

How old is the boy? If he is over 16, he can be charged with statutory rape. Please, try to keep shame and embarrassment out of your tone when you converse with your dd - believe me, she's already feeling those things. She needs to know that she CAN talk to you about things like this, that she CAN trust you to have her best interests at heart and will be willing to put aside your own beliefs to help her get through this time. It stinks that her first sexual experience may have been so traumatic. I wish you and dd well - gentle hugs.

Avatar for kel7col4
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 04-13-2007 - 12:05pm
I've also sent you an email!


Edited 4/13/2007 12:07 pm ET by kel7col4



iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2007
Tue, 04-17-2007 - 12:14am

Thank you and you are right about other parents not trusting, but I know I would have called that mom had the roles been reversed. Needless to say my dd isn't going there again. We did talk, I over heard her on the phone and that was my in to a conversation,
couldn't get her to say that the boy continued when she said no... But time will bring that out I suspect... We talked we cried and we're going to the Doc's this week.

The "great friend" who's mom took her to the clinic turned on her last week, with vicious rumors, which brought on more tears and anxiety BUT she now knows that friends aren't always what they appear, and that it's not so bad telling mom, I still don't understand
her lack of not coming to me, but at that age I too felt my friends understood more, even
though now I look back and all my life I could tell my mom anything and she never judged me, and was always there...

I work 20hrs. a week (sometimes more)and made sure that's only during the day time hours, week days only, but that is starting to look like too much now with only one dd at home
and we live 3 houses from the back field of the high school, so it's easy access for the kids. I do feel more confident now that she'll come to me, and she regrets her decision but is looking at it as a learning experience which is a positive thing.

Good luck on your return to work!
Thank you... Lori

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2007
Tue, 04-17-2007 - 12:23am

Well we did talk, we cried and got a lot out... I over heard her on the phone and that opened the door, I am still unsure why she did it, she said she just got carried away,
and she didn't tell me that he wouldn't stop no mention of that at all, I believe that he co-ereced in to it, and she hopefully will tell me or the counselor (starts next week) if he did force her, if she can say it. She also views it that she made a mistake and has learned from it... We see the Doc. this week and she's comfortable talking to me about it. At her age I told my mom nothing and my friends everything, no clue why prior to my teens I'd told her everything and after I matured again told her all, but there was something about 13 -17 that kept me from talking to her.
I would not judge or put her on the defense that would be another negative in the whole thing and having already lived through our 17yr. dd getting pregnant just before graduation I know love and support is all you can give. THE MOM who too 'over' I'd
like to lay into her but don't want it to back lash on my dd and she's my main concern now.

Thank you! Lori

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Tue, 04-17-2007 - 1:33pm

Lori,
I'm glad you and your DD were able to talk. I know when my DD and I finally talked about her activity with her b/f (they became sexually active after they'd been together for 5 months, and I'm 99% certain that there was no coersion involved), she let on that she didn't tell me about it before I asked her coz she was afraid that I'd be disappointed in her for not waiting until she was out of high school like she always said she would. Said she didn't want me thinking less of her because of it... this might be part of what was going on in your DD's head too.

Good luck, I'm glad that she's seeing that coming to mom isn't the end of the world as she knows it.
Rose