new here-question about 14 yo DD dating

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2007
new here-question about 14 yo DD dating
4
Thu, 04-12-2007 - 4:54pm

Hi. I am new here although was on ivillage a very, very long time ago and found my way back. Anyhow, my DH and I have 3 daughters who are 14, 11 and 9. Well, our 14 year old was just asked to "go out" with a boy (also 14) last Friday. She told me this past Sunday and then her dad 'found out' about it on Monday via her my-space page. We keep all her passwords and when DH went to check her myspace page, DD had put on it "I'm going out with XX" and DH literally FLIPPED OUT!!! I work night shift so of course I was sleeping and when I got up DD told me her dad started screaming that we had to discuss something when I woke up to go to work. I knew what it was and DD was scared to death. Well, DH got home from picking up other DD and pulled me into bedroom where he then went on this rampage about her being too young to date, it'd won't happen over his dead body, she is too young for this and that, etc...When I started explaining that I didn't agree, that she is ready for a first 'crush' and maybe we should trust her on this he just freaked even more and took off out of the room/took a drive. Well, after yelling about this for the past 2 days, he's explained he honestly doesn't think she is 'mature' enough to handle this and that he is forbidding it!

My problem is that I totally disagree with him. DD is a straight-A student in 8th grade, first chair flute in band, has a ton of girlfriends, has her cell phone which she's very resposible with, does her chores, homework, etc. 8 times out of 10 without having to be asked and the one thing she wants to be taken seriously about - he's refusing. I'm not using/buying the all the friends have boyfriends deal so why can't I because I don't care what the friends are doing - I care about what DD does but I don't think this is as big a deal as he is making it. Most of the other mom's I've talked to at work have said their DD's started dating by the time they were 13. DD just started wearing makeup about 4 months ago and this boy has been her friend since 7th grade and he's a pretty decent kid. I told her we'd have to meet his parents, know where he lives, etc. and the only thing the 2 of them want to do is go to the movies with a group of their other friends. I don't think I'm ready to let her go by themselves quite yet but with a group - I don't think it's a big deal.

Sorry for rambling - I just don't know what else to say to DH to get him to accept that this is going to happen and I would rather her be able to feel comfortable coming to us and saying "so & so asked me out" or "can I go out with XX to the movies, mall, skating, etc" rather than her doing something behind our backs. Any advice or help would be REALLY appreciated it!! This is probably the biggest fight DH and I have had in almost 16 years of being married and it's tearing our DD up. Thanks ~ Kelly

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Thu, 04-12-2007 - 8:19pm

Not sure what to say to DH, but I have to agree with you, that if DD says she's "going with" someone, that doesn't necessarily mean what "going with" meant 25 years ago. At 13 and 14 here, that usually means that they eat lunch together at school and kind of pair up when they do things with groups of kids, like you said, going to the movies, skating, going to school activities. And it usually includes phone time in the evening. Maybe ask DD what she expects "going with" to mean in terms of herself and this boy, it may give you something to talk with DH about. Depending on what DD expects this relationship to mean, it could all be very innocent and age appropriate, especially since the boy is also 14. Or, maybe not... but that's what you should be talking to DD about. And she's certainly not too young to be having conversations about handling herself in relationships, being true to the beliefs and values you have worked to instill in her, etc. (And she's not too young to include sex issues in these talks either - in many areas, some girls are becoming sexually active as young as 13 and 14 y/o.)

It's so hard to keep the lines of communication open with teens, even in the best of situations. A sure way to shut it down in no time flat is to blow up, start yelling at them, or putting down a whole lot of limits without listening to what they have to say. That doesn't mean always saying yes, but communication is a two way thing, and with teens it often pays to listen twice as much as you talk.

Good luck to you, I'm sorry this is becoming such a stressful issue for your family.
Rose

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
Thu, 04-12-2007 - 10:54pm

Around here 'going out' at ages 13-14 ususally means you tell a friend you want to 'go out', they relay that to another friend who relays it to the designated party.

Pam
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 04-13-2007 - 11:38am

I also agree that your DH is way overreacting and even if he didn't think it was appropriate for your DD to be dating, that yelling at her is not the way to go--it just assures that she will not talk to him about anything in the future for fear of getting yelled at. I know that my DH & his DD are like this. It also seems that there are some dads who just can't accept that their DDs are growing up, maybe it's because they remember how they were when they were teenage boys, or whatever. But I think a group date to a movie is not a big deal. Since they are too young to drive, I assume that parents are going to be driving them back & forth anyway, so maybe he could drive or pick them up. And tell him not to interrogate the poor boy about his intentions either cause that will certainly alienate your DD.

My DS is 11, in 5th grade, and he already has a "girlfriend." Of course, they aren't old enough to go anywhere themselves, so basically it means they like each other and talk on the phone after school. They met up at the school talent show and sat next to each other (with some other friends) and when she was in a play and I took him to watch, he bought her a flower that the parents group was selling in the lobby. Of course, I don't think he's really old enough for a "girlfriend" if we were talking big romance, but he's old enough for a friend who is a girl and it's not like they are really dating.

I just think that your DH is going to push your DD away. Even in the old days when I was 14, kids used to go to the movies or a dance together. You have to ask him what he is afraid of. And by the way, you can certainly prevent her from going to the movies, but you can't prevent her from liking a boy and if they are together in school, they will be seeing each other every day anyway. There would probably be opportunities for them to be alone in school and even making out, so would he rather have things be upfront or behind his back?

This is another reason why I never believed in looking at my kids' myspace page w/o their knowlege, unless there was some kind of suspicion that they were doing something wrong. I feel it's an invasion of privacy, even though it's not really private. I wouldn't read their diary or listen to their phone conversations either. It seems that you have a really good kid here and he needs to develop a little trust because he can't be with her 24/7.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2004
Fri, 04-13-2007 - 12:31pm
Don’t have much advice, other than what your DH is doing seems to be fairly common. Of course, that doesn’t make it right. Our first reaction is to lock them in the closet for a few years....
My reaction to DD’s first boyfriend was less severe than your DH, but similar.
The first indications of interest in boys, and spending time with boys, are a very difficult adjustment for us. It seems your DH got blindsided by snooping on myspace. There have been a lot of threads on that subject. If parents feel that’s necessary (there was a period of time when I did ) we need to think through the ramifications of how we’re going to handle information we aren’t supposed to know. Yet, as Rose says, “going out” at 14 can mean nothing more than they both like each other, not that they’re sneaking around. Group outings and supervised visits should be allowed; otherwise it will make the situation much worse than your DH bargained for.
Once your DH gets over his rampage, hopefully he will apologize to DD and open a dialogue. He needs to explain WHY he reacted the way he did and explain his concerns. Your DD will most likely not understand any of his anger. If he can do this calmly and respectfully with no “forbidden!” mandates, your DD may just surprise him.
Ironically, BOTH of them need reassurance right now. DH needs to be the mature one to initiate this process.
A lot of men won’t discuss this, but seeing as he’s is so much turmoil he can e-mail me if he wants.
Been there …done that…
Goodluck!