Boy turning 13, thinks hes the boss!
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Boy turning 13, thinks hes the boss!
| Sun, 04-15-2007 - 7:22pm |
My son will be turning 13 in May. He has always been such a good kid. His dad and I got divorced about 3 years ago but seperated for a year before that. Since then his dad has been out of the picture. My boyfrind and I have been together for 4 years and had an off again on again relationship for the last year and a half. This has taken a toll on my kids. This last time that we were seperated, my son totally changed! He started bullying his brothers, he got in trouble with the police,and his grades have dropped. All of which should be expected and we can deal with it. But he also has become absoultley defiant! He will take off when we are at work and not say where he went. He stays after school without telling us, he gives his younger brothers the OK to do things that would generally need parental permission for. And today, the three boys were asked to clean up the yard. Instead, Devin coaxed the other boys into hanging out in the garage. We asked him repeatidly why he feels he can act like this. He finally told us today its because he doesnt get to go anywhere with us, and he needs someone to look up to. I feel bad, but he still needs to behave also. We have gone round and round with him about how if he does his chore and behaves, we will let him go places with us.
I am not sure how to end this cycle!
Any ideas? I am pretty much open to anything, except corporal punishment. ;)
I am not sure how to end this cycle!
Any ideas? I am pretty much open to anything, except corporal punishment. ;)

I'm sorry you're having such a rough time with your son, it sure does make getting thru the days harder for mom when there is a 13 y/o son in the house, especially if his father isn't in the picture. I've got 3 adult sons (one of them came to us officially at 17, but was hanging out here ALOT from the time he was in elementary school), and they all had a pretty strong defiant streak at 13 and 14. My hubby works construction and is away from home most of the week, so it was just me and the boys alot. And I had a lot of "pulling my hair out" days with them at that age. It sounds like your son is a little over the top though, and I think he told you why:
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I might be reading your post wrong, but it sounds like he has to earn his time with his mom and siblings. DH and I are big believers in "when your kids are behaving their worst, that's when they need parent time the MOST." When we would see our kids becoming defiant and difficult, we would find ways to spend more one on one time and/or family time with them. Not necessarily doing "fun stuff" but maybe doing yard work TOGETHER rather than assigning them a job and going off to do our own thing. When they would act out, we never took family or parent time away from them, but we would assign extra chores which we did with them. Your DS is telling you he needs more mom time, see what happens if you give it to him, even if it's watching one of his favorite tv shows with him, or watching him play video games.
He shouldn't be taking off without telling you, or acting as a parent to his younger siblings, and there should be consequences for those behaviors, but IMHO, it shouldn't be taking away mom and family time. Teens need something to ground them, because there are so many temptations out there, and so many bad roads to go down, and a strong support system in their parents and siblings can be the strongest roots a kid can have.
I hope things get better for you soon, hang in there though. And keep repeating the mantra "when he's acting the worst, that's when he needs mom's attention and love the most."
Rose
HI,
I'm sorry you are having a difficult time. I haven't raised boys but have been through 2 teen girls and work with some teen boys in my volunteer work. So I can address this with how I would handle it if it were one of my girls or one of the guys I mentor.
When my DDs would misbehave, they were given major chores to do - clean the garage, wash windows, etc. We rarely grounded them and, even then, they usually had the option of working off a few days of their grounding. The trick, though, was that either DH or I did the chore with them. While we were working, we didn't bring up the bad behavior that resulted in this - the topic of conversation was usually left up to them. We often worked side by side silently. When the job was done, we would be sure to tell them thank you and that it looks so much better now. I found that when DD self-esteem was low was when she misbehaved to begin with and then getting caught at it just pushed it down even farther, but that working with us on a major chore would help to bring that self-esteem up.
With the guys I mentor, I do not have disciplinary rights like a parent would. I can't ground or anything like that so I've had to find more creative ways. With them, I've found that if I usually just explain to them the impact that their behavior has on the entire group, they usually get it. I've also been known to take 5 sr high boys into a room and say okay guys, I can't take this backtalking, bickering, laziness, etc anymore. One at a time, I want to know why you are behaving this way. The whole group sits and listens. Once we are done figuring out why, then we talk about how this effects the others in the group. Then we move on to what are we going to do about. This probably works better with me simply b/c I'm not their parent - kids always act better for others.
I used to also take my on road trips. Car time is really good for talking. They would usually sleep for 1/2 the trip. Talk about non-important things 1/4 of the time. But that remaining 1/4 was when the truth came out. I really had to work hard on just listening. Oftentimes, I would find out that her bad behavior wasn't b/c of problems at home but problems with friends and she was just taking it out on me. If I offered solutions, she would just clam up - she wanted and needed to figure it out on her. But it helped me to figure out how to handle her behavior better if I knew why she was acting the way she was.
Good Luck!
I was wondering about the younger boys tho, the ones who got talked into ignoring their yard work.
Seems like another issue is to ensure they know it doesn't matter WHAT their older brother says, it matters what you say. If you can use some natural consequences to teach them to follow your rules no matter what, then big brother will have no audience or slaves! That will take some wind out of his sails.
But again, I'd try the suggestions of hte other posters. I agree that DS told you exactly what he needed. Meet that need and things will change.
(Though some of it is normal, my DS goes through this as well on a semi-regular basis now that he has just turned 13. I've used the chore thing, tho never as a team. I may try that. Chores seem to work better than grounding for us. It's quicker, to the point, less messy, and once it's over it IS OVER!
I've done this a few times in the past couple months. And while it may be hormones, it does seem to be making a difference. DS is more able to apologize, explain his feelings, control his reactions, etc. But I also *try* to talk instead of shout, and listen even when I don't want to. And I tell him how mature he is acting when he manages to come back with rational discussions on issues where we disagree.
Point is-- you have some options.
Good luck. I know it's hard.
Karen
I'm not clear on whether you are back w/ your BF right now or not. Does your DS like this man? If he does, it could be hard on him when the2 of you break up, or the uncertainty of whether he's in or out could be getting to him. Or if you are back together w/ your BF, then maybe you are unconsciously neglecting your DS and he misses the time that BF wasn't around. Since he says he needs a male role model, is there someone else beside your BF who could be that? like an uncle or the Big Brothers program, or even getting into Boy scouts.
Maybe a couple of sessions w/ a counsellor would help too to find out what is going on inside his head.