13 y.o. contacted a stranger

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2007
13 y.o. contacted a stranger
8
Mon, 04-16-2007 - 10:32am

I know there is an ongoing debate about whether or not to "snoop" on our kids' Internet communications. I am one of those who believe that some judicious monitoring is necessary with young teens. I checked my DS13's Internet history for the first time in a while the other day, and--without going into too much detail--found that he was visiting some adult-oriented websites and communicating with strangers. What is most bothersome about this is that I then looked at his cell phone calls (with him right there beside me) and discovered a call to an out-of-state (but nearby) number. After going through several made-up explanations about this, he finally confessed that he had called one of these people he had met on the Internet. Of course, I was appalled (although not entirely surprised) that he would do this, given how often we had spoken about the potential dangers out there and all the time the school spends on reinforcing the same message. I recall my daughter, who is also a really good kid, got into a similar situation at that age.

So, we have put a password on his Internet account that only my DH and I know, we have put in even more filtering software, we have deleted that number from his cell phone, and we have changed his cell phone number in case that stranger still has it. I am watching him like a hawk for the time being, since I can't be sure how much personal info he gave to this person. I know they at least have our zip code. Our computer is in the family room, so all of these things happened right out in the open! Am I missing anything else that I should be doing? Thanks.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2006
Mon, 04-16-2007 - 1:21pm

I can certainly understand your concern, and think you are handling the situation appropriately. I can't think of anything to add to what you are already doing, but maybe someone else will have some ideas.

Good luck!
Amelia

Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 04-16-2007 - 3:28pm

Hugs- Having been in a similar situation with my now 15dd, I can feel your anguish, concern and yes, pain that your child would risk his well being out of curiosity.

We went without the computer/internet for over 9 months following the incident with my dd almost 3 years ago. The man she met and spent a day with who sexually assaulted her is in jail, serving a 10 year sentence. Had it not been for know-how that I didn't even know I had, I was able to track down the man's information to give to the police. It was life changing for all of us, my marriage suffered a great deal of stress and it took my dd over a year to stabilize to a degree - in the interim she suffered severe depression and horrible setbacks at school.

At that time, we had double password protection on our computer. Not only did dd need a password to turn on the computer but she also needed a password to get on the internet. On top of that she was limited to ONE hour per day between the hours of 4:30-7:30 PM, when I was home. Within one IM exchange, this predator was able to obtain dd's cell phone and within 5 days she was in his truck out of state. It's that easy if the predator is good at what they do. We were completely blown away by the fact that despite all of our tight security and best efforts dd still found herself in a very unsafe, potentially deadly, situation.

My suggestion is to take away his cell and take away the internet. Seriously, he doesn't need a cell phone until he drives and even then, I question the need. And the internet? Everything they need to know, all research projects, etc., can be done with an encyclopedia and at the library where there are filters to block access to those sites. I know it may seem or sound extreme to some parents..."omg, no internet? no cellphone?" but the fact is that if your child has already experimented in this dangerous arena at 13, what will he do at 15 or 16 or 17, when you can't be on watch 24/7?

Even now, at 17, dd does not have a cell. When she gets her license in May, we will reinstate her cell with a new number but not a day sooner. She simply does not need one - there is always a friend who has one she can use in an emergency. And she is limited to such a degree on the internet that she's barely interested in it anymore.

Best of luck - I'm not trying to scare you, but I know how even the best laid plans can go awry.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
Mon, 04-16-2007 - 5:45pm
I'm glad you replied, H&R.
Pam
Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 04-16-2007 - 9:25pm

Thanks Pam. We've successfully put that incident behind us, but we learned a lot from it. First and foremost - stop trying to be 'fair' all the time as a parent and consider the safety and wellbeing of your family over being the popular parent who doesn't want their kid to feel gypped because all the other parents allow their kids to do whatever they want. Not that we did, but we definitely took our personal convictions to heart after that!

I think it's hard to tell our kids no these days, especially to things like the cell and the internet, as just about every family has at least one computer in their home and almost all kids over the age of 13-15 have a cell. In the case of dd, we simply had to look at her as an individual. DD 19 never gave us pause when it came to certain privileges, but dd17 always has and that was a hard thing to own up to. We simply needed to parent dd17 differently than we did dd19. To some, like my sister who lives nearby, it seemed like we favored dd19 - not true.

I typically try to stay away from posts like the OP because 1) it dedges up the feelings around the incident, and 2) I sometimes think that my feelings are very extreme compared to so many other parents and I don't want to come off as too preachy = telling parents that they should take away their son or daughters cell and internet seems extreme to some.

Thanks for the feedback. I hope the OP can find a way to create a safe and fair environment for her family.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2007
Mon, 04-16-2007 - 10:21pm

HeartsandRoses,

Thanks for sharing your experience with me, even though it probably brought back difficult feelings. My DH and I already have the reputation of being stricter than seemingly every other parent, and yet our kids still find themselves in these situations! I don't think it's extreme at all to take away the cell phone or the internet under these circumstances. Safety comes first, and those things are privileges not "rights."

Right now I'm most worried about how much personal info my son gave out--i.e.,his name, his school...?? He swears he didn't give out any info, but I know he's afraid of getting into trouble with us (and he's embarrassed about the whole thing), so I am sure he wouldn't tell us even if he did. I'm worried about this person showing up at our house or at the school, even though that might be far-fetched. Do you (or anyone else) think I need to report this to anyone? As far as I know, there was only one phone conversation and all I have is a phone number and no name.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-2006
Tue, 04-17-2007 - 12:29am
When you talk about internet access do you mean MySpace or AIM (instant messaging) or email? Although you might not allow access to these in your home, our library allows access to all of these sites. It makes it easy for kids to side-step restrictions at their own house. Did you install logging software on your computer? There are many programs available that allow you to record all activity on your computer. One additional caution with Myspace.... I require that my kids signon to Myspace about once a week and that I am able to review comments/pictures at this time. This is really unnecessary - since I secretly know all of their passwords and can look at any time - but knowing that I will sit down with them and review their accounts has worked wonders in keeping the content more "G" rated. Anyway.... on Myspace you can send messages that go to an inbox / sent mail box. These messages are not displayed publicly as comments. A lot of "secretive" conversation goes on in this area - since it is only seen by the sender and receiver of the conversation.
One last thought... try google searching your child's name. I found personal information about my kids listed on friends pages. A google search in quotes ... like "Mary Smith" will pull up any other sites where they are listed by first/last name.
Good luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2007
Tue, 04-17-2007 - 8:35am
Hollybeary, thanks for the tip. I've googled him before and found nothing, but on your advice, I tried it again. What I found was a mention of him on his band teacher's website. So if this stranger even has his name, it would take about 30 seconds to find out what school he attends. This makes me sick! And it's spring break, so I can't even contact the teacher to remove his name until next week.
Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-17-2007 - 9:49am

If there was no actual contact, there really won't be anything the police would or could do at this point, UNLESS they discovered explicit conversations on your computer. Everything you/your son thinks you're deleting is actually being stored in the depths of your computer. When the police confiscated our computer, along with the predator's work and home computers, they were able to dig up old IM's my dd had had with him. It was all very incriminating and a surprise to us that those deleted items could be retrieved.

I think contacting someone at your local police station just to put them on notice that this happened is appropriate...going on a witch hunt after someone who hasn't bothered you or your family may not be such a good idea at this time. HOWEVER, stay alert for signs that there has been contact between anyone and your son.

Re: TOO MUCH INFORMATION! My dd also doesn't think she's giving out too much information. But she is. She had her birthdate, her high school name and town, her personal interests including the names of her best friend and her dogs, her street name (though not the house number), her home phone and cell phone numbers, and she had several pictures of herself. Now if those don't qualify as personal information, I don't know what does.

You're doing great...proceed slowly and with caution.