?? When to start DD on BC ??
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?? When to start DD on BC ??
| Tue, 04-17-2007 - 5:21pm |
My DD is 12 almost 13. She is a good kid. We have 4 children, DS 13, DD 12, DS 7, DS 2, My DD started her period at age 11. My DS has only recently begun puberty. I have been wrestling with when to start her on BC. I worry more now that her brother has shown an interest in sex, women, girls, and boobs. He is constantly making remarks to his sister concerning, squeezing lemons, milk jugs, and other derogatory, juvenile remarks concerning the female anatomy, He asked her the other day if she was a virgin! ( his definition of virgin, was someone that has had sex, which I corrected him on and then subject was dropped.) I am at a loss as to what to say to him when he says stupid things like that, other than correcting him. but that is another post all together. My concern is now that DS has an interest, and they are so close in age, that they might experiment. We definately do not need that to happen. I am a SAHM and they are never left alone. For that reason. I have been wrestling with the idea of starting DD on BC, not just because of her brother, but her friends brothers and any other boy that might show interest. One of her friends that she wants to spend the night with has a 16 y/o brother, so I won't let her. I doubt she is sexually active yet, but I started at 12 and didn't tell my mom, but she didn't talk to me about sex, boys or periods either, My first was 21 y/o and I got pregnant with my first child at 17, which is why I have tried to keep my DD somewhat informed. I am not saying it is ok for her to have sex, I just want her protected just incase she doesn't tell me beforehand that she's interested in having sex. I am not even sure if I will tell her what it is, just tell her its vitamins or something. That way she doesn't think I am giving her permission. I know it doesn't protect her from STD's but at least she wouldn't get pregnant before shes ready to be a mother. What do you think. Any advice. Does anyone know what age they will start BC? Can I get in trouble being that she is only 12?

My friend who is a family nurse practicioner has patients as young as 12 on the pill IF they are mature enough to remember to take it. She assured me that there really aren't any long term effects of having a young teen start on the pill. In our state anyway, you wouldn't get in trouble for putting her on the pill.
That said, I really think you need to think about what you're proposing. You are considering being dishonest with your DD to get her put on the pill. When she finds out what you've done, and it's involving such a personal thing, will she ever trust you again? IMO, you're going to have a very hard time regaining her trust after that one... and if you lied to her about such an important thing, why should she, in her mind, be truthful with you about things big and small? She's going to see your deception as being a bigger deal than any deception she tries to pull over on you in years to come.
Rather than jumping on the BC, maybe you should be teaching your DD the value of waiting for someone special (not necessarily waiting until she's married, but definitely someone special, that she has a relationship with - preferrably as an adult), the emotional consequences of having sex too early, valuing herself, and avoiding casual sexual relationships. Girls who have sex outside of serious relationships still get a nasty reputation, even in our "enlightened" day and age, and they are targets for horomone driven teenage boys - to satisfy the drive, not as someone to get seriously involved with. Boys have a name for girls who get involved too early, too often, and too easily, and it's not pretty. This info comes after years of quietly listening to my DSs and their friends talk - my DSs are now 22, 22, and 19. One of them was into casual sex when he was younger, but when he was looking for a serious relationship, he didn't choose one of his "toys" to bring home or to marry. To be blunt, teenage boys are much more concerned with having their needs met than the girl's feelings when they're involved with girls with a "rep" - and a lot of those girls end up feeling used and having no self-esteem.
As for your DS - boys will try talking that way, but IMO it is up to their mothers to teach them to have more respect for women than that - and it sounds like DS needs to learn to respect women.
Rose
You make a good point Pam, about not having to shield DD from all teen boys, and put limits on her activities with her friends who have older brothers. My DSs have had their friends in and out of the house forever, both spending the night and not. Never have any of those boys made inappropriate advances toward DD, only one has ever even shown an interest, he is 18 and DD is almost 16. For the most part, the boys have always ignored DD. And my DSs tend to see the little sisters of their friends as "annoying little sisters" rather than anyone they'd make advances toward, even if the younger girls are trying to flirt with them. Even though we often talk about horomone driven teenage boys, for the most part, they aren't sex maniacs who will take advantage of any girl that comes within feet of them, supervised or not. How strongly do I believe that? I invited my oldest DS's then 17 y/o best friend to live with us when DD was 11 y/o, and even though he did many things over the years to make me crazy, he's never once made an inappropriate move toward DD, in fact, he's more protective of her in a "big brother" sort of way than her biological brothers are.
Rose
Putting aside all the objections I might personally have to medicating your child without them even knowing what you are giving them, you may want to consider that a girl of 12 who is menstruating is not necessarily fully developed physically. You don't know what you would be doing to her body by starting her on this kind of treatment when she has just barely started puberty.
You also don't know the long term effects of someone being on a birth control pill for so many years of their life. BC pills are not without some side effects and you may be putting your daughter at risk.
Just because her brother is speaking in a sexualized manner doesn't mean that his sister will follow suit. And there's a big leap from talking and thinking about sex to actually having sex. May I say however that I hope you are teaching your son some manners about not using such vulgur and filthy language in the house and around his siblings.
I have an 18 yo DD and almost 17 yo DSD and neither one of them has been on B.C. Neither one of them has had a steady boyfriend yet either. I can't see using B.C. just in case your DD might have sex sometime in the future. I know that it is probably based on your own experience, but I still think it's extremely rare for a 12 yo girl to be having sex. My DS is 11 and has a "girlfriend", i.e. a girl he likes and talks on the phone with, but he would think it was a big deal if he hugged her or held her hand. They are going on a school overnight camping trip (chaperoned by teachers and parents). He said her mother told him on the phone "no kissing" and he said "I wouldn't do that anyway." So I think your reaction is pretty extreme.
I would concentrate on telling both your kids about the morality of sex as well as the physical part of it and tell your DS that it is disrespectful to talk about women this way, that girls aren't just objectss or body parts, etc.
And I think that just because a friend has an older brother is no reason for not letting her sleep over the girl's house. Boys aren't all sex maniacs. I remember that my mother didn't want me going over one friend's house when her parents weren't home because she had 4 brothers, but they didn't pay any attention to us. My other friend's older brother (2 yrs older) was considered one of the most popular guys at school. He treated his little sister's friends just like he did his sister--dumping water on us from the upstairs window, teasing, etc. There was never any romantic interest there. My friend did end up marrying her brother's friend, but they didn't start dating until after college.
DD is a very good kid, she never gives me any problems. I know not all teenage boys are out to molest my DD, but the one friend she wants to spend the night with, that has the 16 y/o brother, from what I have seen the parents don't pay too much attention to the kids, there are 8 children in the household, so its hard to know what all of them are doing. The area we live in is not the best, and the parents around here don't seem to care too much about what their children are doing or where they go. I have had parents show up and drop off their kid to play without ever meeting me or DH, just because the kids made plans at school. For all they know I could be an ax murderer. My DD knows that I have to meet the parents before she is allowed to stay over there. Another time my DD asked to go to a friends house to hang out, I told her that I had to meet the parents first, so when we got there DD's friend went to get her parents When they came outside, I got the distinct impression that they were high on something, so needless to say DD's friend came back to my house to play instead. I know that not all the parents are like that, and I am not saying I am perfect, but my DD is just to precious to trust just anyone. I did mention that I was wrestling with the idea, I haven't decided anything yet, I simply wanted feedback. I would probably tell her what it is, and talk to her about it first. I just don't want to be naive and think that it wouldn't happen without her talking to me first. No matter how much you talk to your kids and stay involved, they don't always tell you everything before it happens.
As far as DS is concerned, we have attempted to talk to him about sex and puberty, respect and women before, but he proved to be too immature to handle the information at the time. He kept making jokes and acting silly, so we dropped the subject with him. that was a year and a half ago. I have tried just about everything I can think of when he talks/acts like that but nothing seems to work, he still does it. He is a very difficult child and I know it will only get worse. He is about to be 14 and acts like he is 6. my 6 y/o acts better than him. He is on this kick lately that whenever he gets in trouble he denies doing it and says I wouldn't do that I am your sweet little angel. When he knows I know he did do it. His attitude gets worse when other kids are around. He doesn't take responsibility for anything he does, it's always someone elses fault. Yet he wants me to get him a cell phone, an ipod and anything else he desires. What makes it so bad is when he says I AM getting him one. Of course I haven't and have no intentions of doing so, but it is still aggravating none the less. The other day while at walmart, my DD took my littlest Ds to the fun center while I checked out and another little girl gave DD a little radio with earphones. When DS got home he had a fit and said I was going to buy him one. I told him that I wasn't, I didn't buy that one, and I wasn't buying him one either, now help me put up the groceries. That was the end of the conversation at the time but he still brings it up. I have tried to sit down and have an adult conversation with him, when he starts complaining about DD getting to do more than him, he seems to think that because he is older he should get to do more than her, I told him that if he would act like he's a teenager then he would be treated like one, but when he acts like a 4 y/o he will be treated like a 4 y/o. but it doesn't change anything. I saw him looking at a porno mag the other day, I am not sure where he got it, but i took it, he doesn't know yet I told DH he can handle that one when he gets home from his business trip. I caught him on a porn site once and took away his computer privilages, then figured out how to use parental controls. So you see worrying about DS is not totaly unfounded. I just don't know what to do with him.
At the least, I'd suggest getting a book such as the What's Happening To My Body Book for Boys for your ds, and let him read it in his own time, if he's unwilling to sit and listen to you or your dh. DS14 did that around age 10 and thus got to know what the real deal is, vs. what they heard on the playground (or limited by what they tell you in school), plus he was more comfortable reading it on his own than talking with me (at the time). We've had on/off conversations (usually brief) relating to the subject over the years and he is very aware of what could happen (both to him and to a girl). Good luck.
Sue
ETA - there's a corresponding book "What's Happening...for Girls" that you might want to get your daughter as well
Edited 4/18/2007 2:09 pm ET by suzyk2118
As the mom of 2 DD's, I can understand your concerns and fears about your DD. However, I would never have put either of my girls on BC at 12. At 12, I made sure that they were supervised adequately so that sexual activity wasn't a possibility. I talked with my girls about sex from a moral and emotional perspective more than the perspective of physical consequences. They both got the physical stuff at school plus that made them (and me) pretty uncomfortable and I saw no point in us being miserable when they already knew that part. I had regularly bi-monthly or quarterlty talks with them. I even put it on my personal calendar (didn't want them to know I was that concerned) so that I wouldn't loose track of time. I was pretty lax with the oldest about this b/c she didn't date and stayed home alot but the youngest has not been w/o a b/f since she was 14 so I got stricter about the talks with her. I always thought she was staring out the window and watching the butterflies or something until I overheard her repeat something I said to one of her friends.
Also you might consider checking your local YMCA, Girls/Boys Club, Hospital, etc. Ours offers a Teen Talk for Boys/Girls program that covers dating, sex, body changes, etc. The child goes with their parent. The program is usually 2 - 4 weeks long and gets parents and teens talking. You might consider this for your son as well. I work the youth at our church and I began an abstinence program that we have done for the past 3 years in some form or another that has made a huge difference as well.
When she was older (around 15) and allowed to start going places alone with her b/f, I watched her closely and was pretty vigilent about who she was with, where she was going, what she was doing. I kept up with the talks. One day, I suspected she and her b/f were about to that point so I told her if she needed b/c to come to me - no lectures! I explained to her that I didn't want her sneaking off to the health dept b/c they didn't love her and care about like I did. I didn't want some stranger advising her about some prescription drug that she would be putting into her body. I also explained to her that should an emergency arise, I would need to know what medication she was taking. I didn't want her have to live her life trying to hide something like this. Her response was she couldn't just out and out ask for something like so I told her to write me a letter, send me an e-mail, whatever it took. About a week later, I got that e-mail. I was heartbroken and proud of her courage at the same time.
After reading your follow-up post, it sounds like you may other reasons for not letting DD go to her friends house - just an overall lack of supervision in general. As the youngest and only girl, I can assure you my brothers would never, ever have attempted anything with one of my friends - that would just be gross!
Have you also spoken to her about what to do if your worst fears are realized?
I have an older brother and never had anything sexual come up with him or his friends. One did ask me out the summer after I graduated from high school but I feel that was appropriate time wise
So, I think it is unlikely, but you obviously have concerns here so please address them. Tell what to do if she in at a sleepover and this occurs. Make it clear that she needs to say 'no' loud, clear, and repeatedly; tell her to kick and scream. Make it clear that she shouldnt be 'just kissing' a 16 yr old at 12 to see what it feels like
You need to empower her. Slipping BC in her OJ is a passive approach that screams "just in case someone does something TO YOU!"
They are very different attitudes and approaches, KWIM? If you worry that your past is going to make you inefficient at teaching the empowerment angle, I definitely agree with the other poster who suggested finding a program that will do it for you
We all have our strengths and weaknesses in parenting