going to college & changing rooms

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
going to college & changing rooms
7
Wed, 04-18-2007 - 2:21pm

My DD will be going to college in Sept. and living there. The household consists of her, my almost 17 yo DSD and 11 yo DS, plus my DH & me. When he & his DD moved in, he asked that DS (who was then about 6) move to the smallest bedroom. He felt that his DD was the one who had to move while my kids stayed in their previous house, so she shouldn't get stuck w/ the smallest room on top of that and I agreed. DS didn't seem to care because we made a big deal about fixing up the room, painting it, getting him a new bed, nice quilt, etc. Occas. he will complain that it's small because he doesn't have much room to maneuver between his bed & bureau, but he doesn't say it too often.

Now DH has brought up the subject of what to do w/ DD's room when she goes away. He gave me this "lecture" over the weekend about how since she would only be coming home occas. (I don't know where he got that idea, the college is only 2 hrs. away, not across the country, so we don't really know) and then she would only be using the house to sleep since she would always be out w/ her friends (probably true) that she and DS should trade rooms. Although I can agree w/ this logically, it is bothering me for some reason. I don't know why he's in such a rush. It seemed like as soon as she was going, they would trade. Of course, it's not that simple, since when we painted her room (only 1-2 yrs ago), she chose a strawberry pink, so obviously I'm not going to have DS in a pink room. I agree that she shouldn't leave a mess behind, but he was talking about storing all her clothes as if we would have this empty guest room. I still want her to have her own room w/ her own decorations, etc. As far as I know she will still be home on vacations and in the summer. Part of me just feels like he can't wait to get her out the door, since the 2 of them don't get along.

did any of you have this same situation? Or did you change a child's room to a home office or something more like a guest room? Did you do it right away or wait a while? I would just like to have her get used to being away from home for a while before we do this. I went away to college and remember going from being homesick, then by the time senior year came, I felt the college was more like my home and not wanting to go "home" that much unless there was a long vacation.

Avatar for suzyk2118
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-1997
Wed, 04-18-2007 - 2:54pm

My only input to this is my best friend's mom turned her room into a sewing room as soon as she went to college - she was mortified.

I'd think if you got your dsd's buy-in to the swap, she and your ds could work together to make their new rooms the way they want them now or over the summer, so that it might make the transition easier. That way she'd know what she was coming home to, and it would still be 'hers'.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 04-18-2007 - 5:20pm

I think that's too quick. Partially, because you need time to adjust and that's a-okay

You never know what she will do. DS2 has decided to leave the college he attended this year and do community college here-most likely an apartment in the fall but...depends on grades he brings home this semester. He will certainly be here from May 4th to school begins again

We decided to paint his room after he left. We are horrible with painting-its a constant marital spat. The reason it so badly needed repainting is that it was still unfinished from our first attempt in 2002 and DS2 had lost interest in orange(thankfully) So, DH insisted I drop everything and go buy paint as he was painting NOW. I complied, he dismantled all the furniture, moved it out-put out the drop cloths-put the new can of paint on the drop cloth-and there it sat for five months!!!!!!

DS2 had to sleep on the couch on weekends and even on the lengthy Xmas break and I think he was a little put out(although he should know the painting issue in this house by now)

I was thrilled we finally had it done by spring break-yes, I felt very guilty that I had shoved my little bird on the couch!

I would suggest fall of sophomore year with her input into her new room the summer before-certainly it doesnt have to be pink again. We did DS's in tan in prep for selling to downsize in a few years; he can put up whatever posters, etc he wants but no more orange! And it is first and foremost HIS room;we stuck in an old landline phone and alarm for guests(he uses his cell for both)but everything else is his choice

We DID give his waterbed to DS3. It was silly IMO for us to pay to keep it heated all year round with him gone. He didnt seem to mind that! And DS3's cat thinks she is in heaven

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
Wed, 04-18-2007 - 6:12pm

We have left both our kids rooms just as they were (literally with dirty clothes in the floor) when they left. Youngest is home at least every other weekend, breaks and holidays. It is a different situation though as we didn't need the room. I would suggest you wait a year first. I teach at the college level and many change schools after freshmen year - who knows she may decide to come closer to home or something.

I can tell you that when I got married, I wasn't even back from my 4 day honeymoon before my dad my room redecorated into his room. He was tired of listening to mom snore. Mind you there was another empty bedroom in the house. My brother had been married for two years but dad didn't like his room. I felt as if Dad was saying to me, good riddance and don't come back!! I know that's not what he meant but it hurt.

Before any changes were made, I would discuss them with DD so that she fully understands the reasoning and thought behind it. Sometimes surprises aren't good.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
Wed, 04-18-2007 - 6:23pm

It doesn't sound to me like your DS was complaining at all about his room. If it is only DH who wants the bigger room for DS, I'd definitely say things should be left as they are, so your DD has her same room when she comes home.

And I think even if DS does want her room, you should explain to him that DD might feel hurt if she feels like she's being shoved out, and keeping her room "as is" for her, will make her adjustment to college easier. Maybe he could move a few of his things in her room just to make a little more space in his own room.

I know DS#1, even though we left his room as he'd left it, was disappointed about other minor changes we made in the house. It does matter to them.

Poor DS#2 won't even have a real home to come home to, because we'll be in a new, much smaller home (condo/townhome) in the DC area. He's not happy about it but I think he knows DH and I sacrificed by living apart this year so that he could finish HS here, and he is a bit more accepting of the situation when he considers that.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2005
Thu, 04-19-2007 - 7:51am

My sister always waited until her kids had graduated from college and had a place of their own and a perminant job before changing over rooms.

Between Thanksgiving, Winter break, spring break, Summer vacation, holidays, weekends and so on. Your dd will be home often enough to want her own space. IMO there is enough change during the college years and having your old room to come home to is a comfort.

Also your ds will be coming up on some changes as well soon enough. He isn't going to be playing with toys anymore, legos will be a thing of the past and his bedroom will more of a place to hang out and listen to music.

To make room in his space utilize his closet for storage in a more efficient way. Get closet organizer systems from the home improvement store. Get things off the floor and onto shelves and keep the room simple.

My 13 year old ds has a 9x9 bedroom. In that room he has a bed, night stand, 5 drawer burueau, guitar amiplier, bar stool (for sitting on while playing his guitar) and a CD rack. His guitars are on wall mount stands so they are up off of the floor. His clothing is in his drawers and in under bed storage. His closet is set up like an office. Dh built in a large shelf using half a hollow core door and made a desk for him. We mounted storage containers for things on the walls and have installed wire baskets just below the traditional closet shelf and added a wood storage shelf atop half of the closet shelf which gave him lots more space. We had a plug installed in the closet to allow for lighting and computer hookup, he also has a tall/skinny hamper and a three drawer storage unit on either side of the folding chair. One major plus all this stuff is behind closed doors.

Ds doesn't need a lot of room to "play" because playing for him is working out a song on one of his guitars or kicking back on his bed and listening to some music.

He doesn't complain about the size of his room. In fact when we gave him the bigger bedroom thinking he'd like more room, he asked us to move him back after six months. Saying that it didn't feel like his bedroom.

stacy

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2006
Thu, 04-19-2007 - 8:21am
When my DS left for college, the only thing I did was CLEAN the room and that took most of a day LOL. I always considered their rooms their own personal space and let them have them the way they wanted them, within reason. When he came home from breaks, within hours the room looked exactly as he had left it, clothes thrown everywhere. At the end of his freshman year he rented a house with some of his friends. Since this was a year lease I knew he wouldn't be moving back the next summer. I offered my DD his room, since like you it is bigger. She thought about it and said since she only had another year at home before she started college that she would stay in her room. I think she really felt it was DS room and she would feel awkward taking his room away. I don't think I would change her room right away, I think with all the changes of going away to college, they like to feel that when they come home, some things are the same and they can regress and regroup a little at home. With your DS being 11 if you waited a 6 months to a year, he would still have alot of time in his "new" room before he would leave for college.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Thu, 04-19-2007 - 10:39am

Thanks everyone for your responses. I know that DH is just looking at this in a logical way and since these aren't his kids, he has no emotional attachment. I know that since he & DD don't get along that well, she will look at it as if he can't wait to get her out of the house. Even if I say it's my idea, she always knows that these things are his idea because she & I are usually on the same wavelength.

It will be interesting to see what happens when his DD goes to college in one year and if she goes away. Unfortunately, her grades aren't very good and I think she will have trouble getting into college. I can see her having to go to community college for a couple of years before transferring to a 4-yr. school. That's too bad because she doesn't get along w/ dad either and I know she would probably welcome the chance to get away from him. He probably thinks he won't miss the kids when they move out, but I think he will.