Youth in Crisis

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
Youth in Crisis
5
Mon, 04-23-2007 - 4:11pm

I have a situation that I'm hoping some of you can offer advice on. As many of you know, I work with the youth at our church. I have 2 girls so teen boys are still a mystery to me. Here's the situation as briefly as I can put it.

Boy is 15.
Parents are divorced. Joint custody - 1 wk here, 1 wk there.
Both parents have remarried.
Mom is bipolar and recovering alcoholic. Doesn't work. Not very social. Wants to be son's friend instead of mom.
Dad relies on mom to do the hard parenting.
Stepmom - I have no clue what, if any, role she takes
Stepdad - No children, entered boy's life when boy was 12. Not sure how to parent so doesn't try. But spends time with him as an older friend/role model.
Boy wears the gothic clothes.
Boy is always polite, open, respectful, hard-working for me. (always better for others than parents)
Boy draws and write disturbing things at school.
Boy runs with "wrong" crowd. Drinks alot.
Boy never, ever misses church.
Boy is disrepectful and defiant to parents.
Parents took away cell phone not long ago as punishment but he sneaks to get it. They found out - no consequences.
Boy is failing his classes. Very bright and intelligent.
Parents sent him to counseling. He went 5 times. refuses to go back.
Parents and boy argued yesterday about grades maybe. Parents threatened to send him to military school. Boy walked out. Came to church early and just sat for 2 hours and waited for me or youth director to arrive. (positive sign he turns to church instead of his friends during times of crisit)
School counselor talked with boy last week (he was reported for his drawings).
School has called in crisis counselor for intervention with principal, crisis counselor, parents. That was to happen this a.m. Boy didn't know this was planned. (I only know this b/c school counselor called me to give me a heads up - probably not ethical but trying to do what's best for the student here).

At youth director's request, I have called a friend at DHS and obtained info for adolescent counselor and parenting classes. I did not give DHS his name. I've worked with her in the past and she trusts my judgement about reporting. I gave him this information this morning.

Would I be overstepping if I went to the mom (she has mentioned that she's having difficulties with him) and offered to give her a friendly ear? I've had problems with my youngest and just talking helped me tremendously. However, I feel that there might be some conflict of interest here - my responsibility as youth coordinator is to guide and minister to our youth.

Second question, DHS friend stated that DHS would pay for any and all counseling if the family were referred. I don't feel that any abuse is going on at this point - just a past situation (parents fighting, mom's alcoholism, moving around alot, etc.) that has left this boy with alot of scars combined with some very poor parenting skills. I definitely don't want to cause more problems. What do you guys think about a referral?

Third question, is there much else I can do? The boy knows that I am available anytime he needs me. On Sunday, he would have called one of us earlier but his mom had his cell phone so he just walked to church and sat in the breezeway outside waiting.

Thanks, I know this is long and I appreciate your reading it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: tobylady
Mon, 04-23-2007 - 5:42pm


DHS? Department of Human Services? What exactly do they do? If there is a risk this kid might be removed from the home because that is part of what they do, I think the school intervention will be less threatening to the family.

Here Department of Children and Family Services have several levels of intervention-crisis intervention, helping while leaving child in home, etc but all anyone thinks when they hear DCFS is that the child will be removed.

If the school intervention falls through, I think it would be an opening for you-or is the boy comes to you and says he doesnt like this counselor

My gut is the school will jump on this because of the current climate with the VT tragedy-Im assuming the drawings were violent.

Avatar for mjaye2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: tobylady
Mon, 04-23-2007 - 5:58pm

It sounds like you are doing everything you can to help this boy. As far as you personally going to his mom, well, my first thought was I wouldn't do it, especially since you apparently have trust of the boy. I would be worried that you might lose that "trust" if he knows you are talking to his mom, too. The reason I say that, is, our school counselor tells the kids (and the parents) that what is said in her office, stays in her office, that she will never tell the parents. That way the kids feel free to open up to her without fear that she will tell Mom and Dad. Anyway, I would hate for this boy to feel that he has "lost" you as a confident. Hopefully, the family will accept the couselling offered thru DHS, if they are referred. Sounds like they could all use some parenting-skills classes.

Bless you for reaching out to these kids.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
In reply to: tobylady
Mon, 04-23-2007 - 6:18pm

DHS is department of human services. I've worked with them in the past (this particular woman, in fact) and her goal is to keep the family together and usually with the cases, I've referred to her, she manages to do that. However, there is always that possibility.

I really wanted to wait and see what came from the intervention at school before I did anything else. I also wondered if the school wasn't reacting to VT. However, if it results in getting this family the help they need, then I'm all for it.

Do you think it would be a conflict of interest for me to offer a friendly ear to the mom and maybe eventually share with her how I worked through things with my DD.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
In reply to: tobylady
Mon, 04-23-2007 - 6:23pm

"I would be worried that you might lose that "trust" if he knows you are talking to his mom, too."

Thanks that was my concern as well. Sometimes, I in my fixit mode and want to do anything and everything I can in hopes that something will work and maybe that's why I thought talking with the mom would help. But you are right. I have told the youth that I will not tell their parents what they say to me unless I feel that they present a danger to themselves or others. I also tell them that unless it is a great immediate threat, I will talk with them first and discuss the possibility of us telling them together or giving them the opportunity to talk to their parents alone.

Thanks for the reminder!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2007
In reply to: tobylady
Mon, 04-23-2007 - 10:07pm
well i am new to this site but saw your note and wanted to give you a quick note, and wish you good luck, i have never been in this situation, have a 15 year old daughter and 11 year old son, 2 step-sons age 22 and 21, and step daughter age 10. well enough with my history..... as a step mom i must say it is hard to know what to do, but i think i have always been there for my step children as much as my own kids..... step parents in this situation just may not know what to do, i feel that the boy is lost in a bad envirnment at both homes, with his mom being a drinker and going back and forth from homes every week and probably both homes have different rules....he is confused, about the clothing and drawings i feel no big deal in that situation i believe we must look at the inside of every person not the outside, just because he dresses different and his drawings may be scary for some, it is his way of expressing himself, you say he is smart and does good with things that are asked of him at church, i think it is wonderful that he does come to church and knows that the people at your church are there for him, God said raise a child in way he must go and he may stray but never depart from it, he may not be getting that at home but your church can be credited as "raising him in the ways he should go" as he wants to go and never misses, so pat yourself on the back for keeping him wanting to come to church, i would say the first step is to get some counseling for the mom,dad and boy at the same time for them to work out 1 set of rules for both houses and to give him some stability, be a supporter of him and let him know that he can count on you, i would not get to involved with the dhs thing though because he might feel like he can not talk to you or count on you as much.....well i hope that this helps out in some way, and i would like it if you would email me back about the outcome, good luck, and bless you for caring, i will say a prayer for you and your church and this boy and his friends and family tonight. God bless you!