At a Loss

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-22-2003
At a Loss
9
Wed, 04-25-2007 - 5:53am
Hi, I am new to this board but post on others. I need some advice. I will make the story as brief as possible for you all to get the gist. I have a 14yr old daughter. Back in the fall she became friends with a boy. Naturally it grew into something more. This boy comes from very abusive parents. he has a temper and issues all the way around. I allowed the friendship and even the relationship while keeping my eye on it. I started to notice he was isolating her from her friends. He doesn't have any friends himself. Her mood was changing. She was becoming nasty to me and it got to the point I didn't even know who my daughter was. I noticed a hickey on her neck and that was when I decided to start to ween her away from him. In the meantime his mother, who is a nut for lack of a better word, threw him out a week ago. I took him in and for 4 days nobody called this kid. I did everything for him. My daughter told me she didn't like what his mother did and said to him and she didn't think she was a very good parent. Finally he went home. A week ago his mother allowed him to buy my daughter a digital camera. I said I felt it was inappropriate they were only 14 and the gift was too extravagant. Apparently she got offended. Told her son he was never to be in my company and started bad mouthing me. My daughter told me she didn't like what she was saying about me. Fast forward to yesterday. I was to pick up my daughter at school early to drive to a drs appointment that is an hour away. I waited at the school 20 mins. she forgot and got on the bus. I was furious. This was the icing on the cake. She has been so wrapped up n this boy that she is screwing up. We argued on the phone. I told her she was to go straight home and she could not meet him for ice cream as they had planned and they were grounded from each other for 2 weeks. The next thing I know she gets off the bus at his house. They lock themselves in the house for a half hour. He calls his mother and tell hers that she is afraid of me. His mother comes home, tells me I cannot see my daughter. Tells me get off her property, I say I am not leaving without my daughter. she calls 911. they come and after talking naturally they say that she is not afraid of me. this is all about the boy. I am crying, humiliated and hurt that my daughter allowed this to happen to me all because she wanted to be with him. she is 14. the officer tells me she wants to spend the night there. I didn't want her to. and I know I am her mother but the mother was threatening to call c.p.s and bla bla bla. I could not let this go that far. I allowed her to stay there overnight against my better judgement. The trooper told me not to take this personally and that she is a teenager. I told him of the influence this boy has on her and he said thats all it was. my common sense tells me that but I am still so hurt. I cannot believe my daughter allowed this to happen. I do not believe she knows the ramifications of her actions. The call to the police. The domestic violence report made. The officer told me that he spoke with her privately and she is not afraid of me as his mother made the cops believe. I just stood there. My daughter is an honor roll student. I am a single parent. We have never had anything like this happen before. I am still crying. I am still shocked that my daughter would treat me this way. I don't know what to do with all this emotion. Do I take it personal. Do I let it go. How do I get her away from him. My friends are telling me she is going to realize today what she did. This boy has so much influence over her. I am thinking I may have to move. He lives up the street. I truly am at a loss. Also, on another note, I recently started seeing someone. She likes him. I spend time with him when she is with her friends. I feel like i should stop seeing him now because a) I don't want him to have to deal with this though he says he wants to be there for me, and b) should I devote all my time to her to try to get her away from this boy?
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
In reply to: harleypo
Wed, 04-25-2007 - 7:00am

Welcome to the board, and I'm so sorry this is turning into such a mess for you.

I'm afraid that any overt efforts on your part to keep these two kids apart is going to lead to them bonding together against you... forbidden fruit is the sweetest and all of that. Encouraging her to spend time with her girlfriends, without bringing the boy's name into it in any way, shape or form may get you farther. It does sound like the boy's mother is a nut case - who kicks a 14 y/o out?? She's the one that should have CPS knocking on her door.

Thankfully, a day or two cooling off period sometimes makes things easier to deal with, and I certainly hope that things calm down for you today and tomorrow. Family counseling might be a good idea, as well as individual counseling for your DD. She can only be controlled and manipulated by this boy for as long as she allows it, and she needs to develop the self-esteem necessary to stand up to him.
Rose

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: harleypo
Wed, 04-25-2007 - 8:26am

DO realize kids tell tall tales. My middle one once told me he told people his parents knocked him around because his real life was boring!! I THINK he was kidding but OTOH I wouldnt put it past him! I would also suspect that type of story would gain him sympathy with girls.

That was what struck me about your post. Did the mom REALLY throw him out or did he concoct that in order to stay at your house?

After all, lo and behold, history repeated itself and she stayed at his house and HER story was made up

It sounds a little too coincidental to me but you know the players. I just caution you to not take the kids at their word as they may be scheming to spend time together.

I dont see why this should influence your own relationships-you most likely need the emotional support

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2003
In reply to: harleypo
Wed, 04-25-2007 - 10:46am

Bless your heart!!! By all means, stay with the guy you're seeing. You really need someone to lean on! Do not let your child run your relationships!

Next off, I would have told the other mother to go ahead and call CPS. And, while they were there I'd be telling them about the abuse that goes on in her household, about her throwing her son out for a week, no one calling for several days to see where he was, etc. I'd be tempted to contact the county attorney to see if charges could be brought against this woman for kidnapping, as she wouldn't even allow you to see your child. I'd be making a very big stink for the cop not allowing you to take your child home. And for all the other adults in this situation basically bullying you into giving into a 14 y/o hormonal girls whims. I wouldn't be embarrassed, I would be LIVID. This is a 14 y/o child, not able to make legal decisions for herself, what she did is run away from your home and this family and the cops allowed her to do that. Not right. No btdt advice for you. But wishing you the best.

Sallie

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-22-2003
In reply to: harleypo
Wed, 04-25-2007 - 12:11pm
You are right in all you have said. i went to the school this morning to take her out and spend he day with her she refused to come with me. now mind you she told the cop yesterday she would come home with me today. but after 12hrs with the boy and his mother she has turned on me yet again. she was saying things to me in the deans office that were said to her by the boys other. i have allowed her to stay with her best friend and her mom for a few days until this cools off. its like she has been taken over by a cult. this boy and his mother. I was told today by the friends mother that even her friends have bee noticing the isolation. i think i made the right decision though my heart is aching that my child turned on me this way. screaming at me call me names. she never ever spoke to me that way. but she was repeating what the mother had said to me. i am trying to not harp on this
and let it go but it is do difficult. I have reported to the school the boys mothers actions. they will be contacting c.p.s. the dean asked both my daughter and i about her and we both confirmed that she cursed and threw him out and that she makes him fix alcoholic drinks for her. her friends mother tried to explain to my daughter that she would not allow her child to be in a home like that also. all i know is that i don't even know who this girl is anymore. just like that within 2 weeks she turned on me. and i am struggling with the fact that that mother actually subjected me and her to this. i constantly cry. i will be talking with my new boyfriend tonight about where we are going to go with this.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2003
In reply to: harleypo
Wed, 04-25-2007 - 1:32pm

I'm so sorry about all this. It indeed must be heartbreaking. But if you don't mind my advice I think its time for you to stop crying and feeling sorry for yourself and time for you to get tough.

A 14 year old is still a minor. She cannot and should not be allowed to make her own decisions about where she wants to live and where she wants to be. I'd say you drag her ass home and that she doesn't have a choice unless she wants you to call child protective services YOURSELF about removing her from her situation and putting her in a friggin home for juveline delinquents!!! Seriously put the loving fear of God into her.

You might tell her as long as she isn't in your house to forget about coming for any clean clothes, her ipod, her cell phone, her music, or to expect any sort of allowance. She needs to understand what she is doing is serious.

At the same time tell her this is NOT about this boy or dating him but it is about her being in HER house with HER family. You say you are a single mom. Well....tell her the story of how lots of women BECOME single moms. Lots of boys, men etc "love you forever" until they cheat on you, or leave.... this boy is not going to be there forever no matter what she thinks now.

So good luck but my advice is to GET TOUGH!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2003
In reply to: harleypo
Wed, 04-25-2007 - 2:26pm

I tend to agree with pp. Time for tough love. Nip it in the bud. If it were mine, I don't know that I'd let her stay with a friend either. Have her sit in the juvie for a while, or if everyone's going to play into what she's saying, let her go to a foster home for a few days with just the clothes on her back. Let her get a taste of what the kind of life she's talking about really is.

Stay strong, Mom! A together, head-strong mom is what she needs.

Sallie

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-22-2003
In reply to: harleypo
Wed, 04-25-2007 - 3:01pm
thanks all. in fact i have just reached that point. i made a therapy appointment for her and i told her she is coming. my thought behind allowing her to say with her friend was this. she has been so isolated from them. they did not like what he was doing to her. they saw it too. so my thought is let her have a time out from me who she is obviously upset with and let her be with her girlfriends. NO "boy". The mother has been instructed he is not to call her cell phone and she has no problem enforcing that. I just spoke to my daughter and already 9 hours after not being with him she sounded her old self again. Hi mom. laughing with me. the friends mom told me they are doing great. My thought was if i made her come home with me in that state it would make things worse. the boy lives right up the street. she needed some down time. she and i have always been extremely close. i will put my mommy hat on soon not to worry. the crying has subsided. it was my ego hurt and bruised by her and that mother. will keep yo guys informed thanks
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
In reply to: harleypo
Thu, 04-26-2007 - 7:24am
Way to go mom!!! As I was reading the most recent posts on this thread, I was thinking... this boy sounds like the kind who will grow up to be an abusive mate as an adult. Giving your DD time with her g/fs, who also see this as a not good relationship probably was a good thing - time to cool off her dispute with you out of the influence of the boy and his mom - who truly sound like a good case for CPS to get involved with. When all of this cools down a little more, try to spend some fun time with DD, doing something you both enjoy. My DH has a very strong belief that when kids are acting their worst, that's when they need bonding time with mom & dad the most, and even though there were times I really didn't look forward to spending the time with teens who were being buttheads, it really did work to make things better. Doesn't have to be something that costs a lot of money, sometimes we just spent the afternoon having a picnic at the state park, while the guys fished, DD and I went for walks looking for wildflowers & wildlife. That isn't for everyone, but it is something our family enjoys.
Rose
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2005
In reply to: harleypo
Thu, 04-26-2007 - 2:58pm

I have to agree with diamond.