how much pressure to put on grades

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2007
how much pressure to put on grades
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Thu, 04-26-2007 - 11:59am

I'm wondering how much pressure other parents put on their teens to bring home good grades. My kids (one a freshman, the other in 7th grade) have always been pretty good students. They aren't the type to get straight A's, but tend to be more in the B range with the occasional A or C. Our approach has always been that as long as they are working hard and doing their best, then that is fine with us. We'd only have a problem with it if we thought they were goofing off, not taking school seriously, and then coming home with less than terrific grades. I should also add that my DD had some learning problems in elementary school, so the fact that she is working independently now in HS and holding a B to B+ average seems like a miracle. My son, who is in 7th grade, probably has the ability to do better, but like so many boys his age he is a tad disorganized, to put it mildly.

I'm wondering if we are being too easy on them. I see some of their friends getting straight A's and high honors. My husband and I were also high achievers in school, so it's not like our standards are set low to begin with. Do other parents put a lot of pressure on their kids to bring home those A's, and if so, how do they do it??

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Avatar for suzyk2118
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-1997
Thu, 04-26-2007 - 12:33pm

If I did, it wouldn't help. DS14 (sensitive, g/t) is having a rough year; in MS he'd get the occasional B; now he's got only one A, in creative cooking. Right this minute things are sad - a D, 4Cs, a B and the A. He's very determined to bring them up in tihe remaining 4 weeks (they have tests like every day or two; usually 3-5 per week, and he's tested poorly since 5th grade, but now the tests and quizzes are weighted like 50-60% of the grades, so it's been very hard on him) - I have to admire his perseverence (the mono this year hasn't helped either, but the teachers don't consider that at all). He agreed to take a study skills class next year - I want this to be between him and the teachers because he's hard enough on himself; if I (or dh) say anything, he takes it very personally and feels more the failure. It's a fine line for us.

Sue

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 04-26-2007 - 12:42pm

I don't pressure them for As at this point in time which doesnt mean I havent gone down that path a few times(or more)

My youngest is LD as well and, yes, it gives one a different perspective. We just had school board elections and I purposefully avoided the candidates who talked about improving this and upping that. I voted for the one who spoke of bringing back options for kids who wont attend college and another who spoke of IEP enforcement. Ten years ago when my focus was on the older two, both of whom tested gifted, I am sure I would have chosen different candidates.

Also, I was rather taken aback by the grades my LD kid receives. It's difficult to phrase without sounding like I am slamming the kid.

The difference in their abilities and the differences in their achievement test scores is huge but their grades are not that far apart.

It simply makes no sense

Grades do matter to certain colleges. DS2 did not get in his first choice college with a solid B average and 2 years of advanced classes(those 2 years being 9th and 10th). He DID get into the other colleges he applied to and was invited to join the honors college at one

So, if a kid is looking towards a specific goal, yes, they can be important but just to have them to have them? No, I dont see the value anymore

And...scholarships would be another example where grades matter-they rely on grades and class rank far more than anything else.

But kids with C averages will have a plethora of colleges to attend. They wont be Ivy League or top tier but they will provide a bachelors degree

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-26-2007
Thu, 04-26-2007 - 1:16pm
In our home the "rule" is, as long as you do all of your class work/ and homework, as long as you study and pay attention, we are good. our son 14 who is an a--b student started slipping (to d-f), got a rude awakening. I called all his teachers and got progress reports to find out that no homweork was being turned in and tests/and quizes were extremely low. so to rectify that, my son was told to bring home a weekly progress report from all his teachers and any negative report (ie not turning in work, really poor tests etc..) was punished for. That is because as I said, he is a VERY smart student and his poor grades were due to him screwing off and thinking that we would'nt find out. I woud take that approach, making sure that your kids ARE doing all thier work and studies (and offer help if needed) stay in touch with their teachers. If your kids are a-b students or c-d students, i think it is ok, as long as they are doing their best. Try not to compare you and your husband to your kids. Everyone learns differently and at a different pace.
Good Luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Thu, 04-26-2007 - 1:27pm
I was a high achiever in high school too, so initially it was really hard to accept Cs from my LD son, but I found the more pressure I put on him and his sibs to bring home good grades (A/B) the more stressed they got and the worse they did. I've since taken the same stance you do about "do your best" and am happy with DD's current 3.3 GPA. No, she's not likely to get into a highly competitive college unless she brings those grades up some, but she's not the type to do well in a highly competitive college anyway. She could probably be doing better if she applied herself more - but a kid has got to have a life too. I put in my 8-9 hours of work a day, and then the rest of the day is mine, and I feel the kids shouldn't be doing hours and hours of homework after school either. Maybe I'm the one with the wrong attitude, but we're happier as a family than we were when I was pushing for better grades all the time.
Rose
Avatar for mjaye2002
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 04-26-2007 - 1:41pm

I'm one of those parents that put little to no pressure on grades. Yes, I expect them to do their best but I don't expect A's or even B's. Since both of the boys are/were involved in sports year-round in school, if a grade in any one class for the 6 weeks was below a 70, they were ineligible to play for the next 3 weeks. If at the 3-week mark, any class below a 70 (not just the 1st class they failed) they remained ineliglible. This was a huge incentive for the boys to maintain passing grades.

I know that my boys will not go to an ivy-league school and it was already decided that they would attend our local community college for the 1st couple of years. Then, they can decide if they want to transfer into our local Div I university, so getting into a specific college wasn't one of our concerns.

FWIW, I was always an almost straight A student in HS, and didn't really try all that hard to be one. At the same time, I watched my sister struggle night after night, year after year to bring home those A's my parents demanded. (You got yelled at for a B (80-90), grounded for a C (70-80), and we didn't ever want to know what would happen to us if we ever brought home anyhting lower than a C) I knew how hard my sister tried and always felt so sorry for her. Gosh, the poor girl was *always* grounded. I always swore if I had kids, I would never put that kind of pressure on my kids to get A's. I thought it should be about the effort, not the end result.

Avatar for heartsandroses2002
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 04-26-2007 - 2:51pm

I always wanted my dds to simply work to the best of their ability and potential. DD19 has always been an average to hard worker. She's always maintained pretty much B's with the occasional C or A thrown in for good measure. I think that as they get into the upper grades and you get a better idea of what dreams or aspirations they have, you can help to steer them by knowing what kinds of grades they will need to attend the colleges they will need to attend. I mean, not every lawyer out there had an A+ GPA, you know? Somewhere out there, the head of staff at your local hospital was a C average student all through HS and college. But they passed and if they are doing the work and doing it well, then that's okay by me.

My dd17 has always struggled with school so if she came home with a C or better on her report card, I was thrilled. I didn't tell her that, but that's how I felt. Once, dd19 asked me why I was upset with her when she brought home a C, but when dd17 did, I seemed fine. Ugh - that was a difficult discussion, but the hard fact of the matter is, dd19 is capable of A's and B's so why settle for a C, especially since she had aspirations to attend a top school (which she got into!)? I know that dd17 would love it if she never saw the inside of a classroom again, however, she's an excellent worker and loves her job. Not everyone is college material and that's okay too.

If you're comfortable with the way you're handling things right now, don't worry about it so much. You'll know when it's time to step in.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Thu, 04-26-2007 - 4:11pm

I think you should be happy that your kids are B students and not pressure them for A's. My DD (a senior) is one of those A students in all the honors courses, etc., but I never put pressure on her to do that. She is naturally very smart, like I was, I have to say. I always got A's, but I don't think I exerted that much effort, even in college, everything came easy to me. If you think that the kids are working hard and doing their best, that's what matters. It should be about learning something and enjoying school and not making them neurotic about it, which is what those high pressure parents are doing. Imagine how their kids feel, that what they have accomplished is basically never going to be good enough.

Think about the kids that play on a sports team. Not everybody can be the star quarterback or whatever. Shouldn't the pretty good but not great kids get to enjoy sports too? I just think of kids committing suicide in college when they can't handle the pressure.

My DS in 5th grade has to bring home his papers every week to be signed by a parent. Usually they are really good. When he gets the occasional C, I want to find out why--does he not understand the work, or whatever. Sometimes it's something really stupid, like he didn't read the directions carefully and that's why the answers are wrong. I would start to worry if all of a sudden he was getting C's in everything because I just know he's smarter than that.

My former MIL used to say "what do they call the people who graduated at the bottom of their class in medical school" "Doctor" IN other words, after you start working, how do people know what grades you got in school? Their future won't be ruined if they can't get into Harvard. When I was applying to Harvard Law School (didn't get in), I had about a 3.8 GPA and good LSAT scores, and the dean told me "so does everyone else who is applying." So I went somewhere else, still passed the bar and became a lawyer.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2003
Thu, 04-26-2007 - 7:51pm

For me it depends on the child. My oldest, 15 going on 16 dd has always been an excellent student. Her report cards were always mostly A's with one or two B's and the odd C but it was rare. She's always been a model student, teachers loved her from first grade to now. She tested as gifted when she was 10 years old. She is personally driven to do well and is not pleased with anything less than an 80% grade and her goal is to stay on the honour roll. If I were to see her work ethic or standards drop I would be concerned because it would be so atypical that it would mean something was not right. So I don't pressure her as much as try to keep a handle on how she is doing and feeling.

My 11 going on 12 year old son is also a brilliant child but he is not an all around performer. His strengths are in maths and sciences. So I do expect to see more B's on his report card except for math where he has always excelled. My son has ALWAYS been highly disorganized and difficult to motivate (unless he's got a new video game to play and that's a different story). I need to monitor his progress because he will completely not do homework and just tell me he has none until his teacher contacts me to complain. This year he is a bit better and I pressure him less on getting the grade than on staying on track with his assignments and staying organized.

I also am a huge believer that growing and learning comes from more than school and good grades. They need to have outside interests and certainly a good social life. My dd has danced since she was 3 and she continues to have this in her life. My son does things like skating and he plays clarinet in the school band (although I have to constantly bug him to practice). To me being a well-rounded person who is willing to learn and grow is what makes one successful. When I got hired into my job nobody asked me my grades....

Avatar for suzyk2118
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-1997
Thu, 04-26-2007 - 9:05pm
You're lucky about no one asking for grades. When I got out of grad school and got my first 'real' job, there was a salary 'equation' at the corporation based on GPA, the 'type' of school I came from (they had their defined levels), and degree(s). It was definitely an eye opener. But once that first job was achieved, no one has really asked since, other than I did have to provide transcripts, but GPA didn't come into play any more.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2005
Sat, 04-28-2007 - 1:18pm

I put a fair amount of pressure on my children's grades. C's are unacceptable, even if they are in the AP portion of their class and the grade can be changed if they pass the AP exam. I don't want them living by the what-ifs or putting all their cards in for one day. Also, I know that they can do better than that and them getting a C meant that they did not work as hard as they should have. I don't really like B's but I tolerate them. I know some classes are extremely hard and they end up with a B, but I will always ask them how to get this B into an A.

Im this hard on them with grades because I want them to be competitive and succeed. I want them to go to an excellent grad school so that it is easier for them to get a job. Also, I want them to have every opportunity available to them and for them to reach their full potential.

Stephanie

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