How do you stop worrying?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
How do you stop worrying?
6
Sat, 04-28-2007 - 10:29am

Ok, let me give you some backround. I have 4 kids. 3 daughters 14, 13, and 12, and a son 3.
I just dont know how to understand that some thing are part of growing up and they need to go thru them. My oldest daughter had a boy break up with her and she was so upset. Why? Cause she was foolish enough to break up with her other boyfriend who she felt maybe didnt like her. Yes, she was wrong. I think she just liked the attention from this other boy.
Anyhow, this other boy broke up with her hours later for someone else.(this boy is like that)
Now she feels awful....realizes her mistake.
I myself feel bad for the boy she broke up with. Yes he wasnt paying much attention to her lately, but whenever she would bring it up with him he would.

Ok but to my point. I was so upset for my daughter last night that I couldnt sleep. Ended up taking a sleeping pill.
She always feels like she has trouble fitting in.
My heart breaks for her when she is in pain.

Now my head knows all the things that happen are lifes lessons. I know this is all part of growing up. However it is all I can think about.
I dropped her off at work this morning and I could tell how upset she was. She was on the verge of tears.

How do you stop worrying all the time. How do you keep from feeling their pain?
How do you deal with the fact that no matter what you do....the older they get the less you can control them getting hurt. With 3 teenage daughters I know I need to get a grip on this.....
any suggestions?? Please???

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 04-28-2007 - 11:16am

<How do you deal with the fact that no matter what you do....the older they get the less you can control them getting hurt. >>

You don't stop

But it gets better with time

I was a wreck when my oldest began driving. I am talking irrational thoughts like "Would I know if he were dead? Would I feel it like I see on TV?" It got better with time and the second wasnt nearly as bad.

It is still my weakness though-the place I lose perspective. DS2 drove back to school a few weekends ago and forgot to call and say hed arrived(or chose to forget)I usually call him because I cant sleep otherwise. Last time, I fell asleep!!! For me, that's big.

I do my best not to give into it and just push through it.

My boys are shy and havent had a lot of relationships but I do my best to stay out. I got rather caught up in DS1's first GF and said things I later regretted. This really is their choice, not ours. I have kept my thoughts to myself since then. Every date IS a potential daughter in law and mother of my grandchildren. THAT usually takes the wind out of my sails if Im feeling negative!!!

The rational thoughts are there; I think you have to keep thinking them and almost chanting them so they win!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sat, 04-28-2007 - 11:39am

Thanks for your response....
I hope it does get easier..
My daughter dosent have many relationships either...she is only 14..
feels often like she doesnt fit in. She dosent curse, drink, or do a lot of the things other girls her age do. I think that is what part of this
was about. The "new" boy is very popular. Everyone was saying she was too "innocent" for him. She was flattered he liked her.
Now she feels awful and knows that the boy she broke up was a better person. "dont know what you got till its gone I guess" she said as she cried last night.

I keep saying to myself today "all part of growing up, she will be fine","all part of growing up, she will be fine","all part of growing up, she will be fine"...

Now I have to believe it...

and windrush....bless you for getting thru..and driving? I cant even imagine that yet :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
Sat, 04-28-2007 - 5:18pm
You don't stop worrying about them and it will always bother you to see your child hurting.
Pam
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Sat, 04-28-2007 - 9:35pm

I think it helped that I started out with boys, and boys just naturally seem to have a whole lot less drama than girls do. I thought it was just my DSs, but I've seen it in their friends - and N's b/f's reaction to the drama is so funny... when she gets "spinning" he points his finger to his head and "shoots" - and dies very dramatically!

I did worry about the oldest more than I do now in a lot of ways - I think sometimes it's just the lack of experience that parents have with their oldest ones, so that by the time the next ones come along, it feels more comfortable because it's more familiar. As far as keeping it from making you crazy - just keep telling yourself "this too shall pass" - and eventually it will.
Rose

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2003
Sat, 04-28-2007 - 10:43pm

You never stop worrying. I know that because my mom still worries about me and my sister and we are both waaayyyyyy past being teenagers! Seriously, it got to the point where my sister and I would agree NOT to tell my mother stuff going on in our lives so that we wouldn't have to worry her.

I don't think it gets easier it just that you worry about different things. Now its the "life lessons" stuff we worry about. Are they making the right decisions? Will they recover from this? Are they doing well at school? Later it will be their first serious relationship and then marriage and then their kids....it doesn't end.

All you can do is learn to keep things in perspective. Of course when they are upset you will sense it and be upset as well. But just try to bounce back as quick as you can for their sakes. If you are stressed out they can sense it as well and they need you to be strong for them and not to worry about you worrying (case in point -- my mom).

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Sun, 04-29-2007 - 6:14pm
"Keep things in perspective" - that is the key, just how important will all this high school drama be 10 years from now? My guess is, not very. You know when I really learned to quit stewing over the little stuff? Back in January of 04. My DS J and his cousin had enlisted in the Army National Guard together, J had a longer "trade school" than his cousin did - but as soon as the cousin was finished with his school, he was sent to Iraq for 15 months. That put a whole new perspective on so many things that I worried about... hair, makeup, clothes, cliques, and Queen Bees loose a lot of importance when someone important to you is living in a war zone for 15 months. Since then, I've learned to let a lot of the little stuff go... and I really started letting the little stuff go a little over a year ago when my DS S who is in the US Marine Corp, got orders to go to Iraq for 7 months. Yes, I still listen to and support N with all the high school drama, but I definitely don't let it tie me in knots like it did before.
Rose