Fighting about make-up a losing battle?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-25-2007
Fighting about make-up a losing battle?
10
Sat, 04-28-2007 - 2:45pm

Hi everyone, I new to this board. I'm been lurking for awhile and have found many of the posts helpful. I'm finding it's increasingly stressful being the mom to a teenage, very strong willed daughter. You'll probably be seeing a lot of me for the next several years.

DD14, turns 15 in June. Last year, when she turned 14, I took her to a make-up artist at our hair salon. This lady did a wonderful job and taught her how to apply tasteful, age-appropriate, make-up. Now that she's nearing the end of 9th grade, she's wanting to wear heavy black eyeliner. She's been begging me for the last several months to allow this when she turns 15. Today, she did a test run and surprised me with her new look. Well, needless to say, it looked awful. Then we got into an argument about it. I told her it looked trashy and of course she says it doesn't. All of a sudden she thinks, because she's in high school, she's all grown up.

Does anyone have any advice for me? I know you're supposed to choose your battles. She's a good girl and makes excellent grades.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2003
Sat, 04-28-2007 - 3:08pm

My advice? Save your breath, bite your tongue and leave it alone. It is a losing battle. If she is an otherwise good person, does well in school and gives you no other trouble other than perhaps being not that great at applying makeup count your blessings.

And...you may want to pull out a few picks from your own adolescence. Maybe you were good at this stuff but in my case when I look at what a clown face I had on in most of my high school pictures I cringe. The red red lipstick, the dark kohl eyeliner, the dark blush and of course the quintessential teased sprayed 80's hairstyle... My mom bit her tongue every day God bless her.

And my sister who is 6 years younger was into the whole punk, new wave thing as a teen. No makeup but plenty of piercings, unbelievably crazy spiked up, coloured hair and the edgiest outfits ever. But, like me, she kept top grades, worked a part time job and never gave my parents any trouble with boys, curfews, drugs, alcohol -- NOTHING. So my mom left her alone and she grew out of it.

So leave her be. And....those occasional backhand comments about how you can't stand her eyeliner will only frustrate her so if you are going to decide to leave it alone, truly leave it alone.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sat, 04-28-2007 - 4:42pm
That seems kind of the style now. My DSD is almost 17 now, but suddenly when she was about 15, she decided she was going to wear eye makeup. We were on the way out the door to a daytime Halloween party (and not a costume party) when her dad saw this for the first time. He started to make some comment and I told him to be quiet, that she was old enought to wear makeup. The thing is that she has red hair, brown eyes and light skin, so the black liner really didn't go w/ her coloring. I went out and bought her some brown eyeliner & mascara, but I think she has gone back to black. She is also wearing jeans and black T shirts every day. The last time her dad bought her some T shirts, he made her get some colors other than black. They are the kind w/ names of rock groups on the front. She doesn't know that black really doesn't look good on her. She also has beautiful hair but she hates it cause it's curly and the style is straight, so she has taken to pulling it back in a tight bun. I have told her that she is going to be going bald in the front from pulling it back so tight, but she still does it anyway. So my answer is to just forget about it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-25-2007
Sat, 04-28-2007 - 5:07pm

Thanks for the replies! I see your point and I don't want to be the kind of mom who nags about everything. It just seems like we (meaning I) are continually giving in to rules we agreed upon when she turned 13. DH tells me, I'm always caving in and he criticizes me for not sticking to my guns.

Maybe I can get her to agree to another make-up session with the girl at the hair salon. Anything I suggest is automatically met with skepticism. If there's such a thing as tastefully done, trashy make-up, I'm sure this girl would know better then me.

Avatar for sharo63
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2006
Sat, 04-28-2007 - 5:14pm
I too have a 15 DD who dabbles with the black eyeliner, so I know where you are coming from...I also have 2 older DSs and teach in their school district and believe me - black eyeliner does not make a girl trashy. I know that is over simplifying but you should see what is in high school now! She can't catch anything from it and it won't hurt her grades so let her have her phase. BTW, I have found that pointing out how great certain celebs makeup looks (whoever your DD is into) can often sway a look!
Good luck and focus on her hair for a while!
Sharon
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Sun, 04-29-2007 - 6:51am

Your last sentance says it all... "She's a good girl and makes excellent grades." No matter what she puts on her face, no matter how hideous it looks, she will still be your good girl. Let this one be, coz like the terrible 2s, this one shall pass.

I've had mohawks, spiked hair, no hair, funky makeup, earings on DSs, hair every color of the rainbow at my house between my 4 kids. It's how they try to prove that they're so very different from mom and dad... and they outgrow it eventually, I promise. All 3 of my DSs have the most conservative "early 20s" look you can imagine, though it took some horrendous looks to get there.

If the makeup really does look bad by high school standards, the girls will let her know. My DD used to have a pretty heavy hand with the makeup too, but it's toned down considerably since she and her best friend went to a Mary Kay party hosted by another mom - I suspect to encourage the girls to let their natural beauty shine. But in any case, most of the time, if YOU say she looks trashy she's not going to give up her look... if her friends say she looks trashy, she'll change by noon.
Rose

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Sun, 04-29-2007 - 7:00am

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Those rules were set almost 2 years ago... it's really hard, especially with the oldest child, to be able to anticipate at 13, what the issues are going to be at 15, or how circumstances would change in that time. I'd always thought my DD wouldn't date until she was 16... and then she met T, started bringing him home after school as "just friends" and pretty soon the relationship evolved into dating - when she was just over 15 y/o. We like T a lot, he's good to her, and good for her... it just seemed silly to stick with our original plan of "no dating til 16" in light of what was happening in her life.

Hang in there, there are much bigger battles than makeup coming up = and like one of the other posters said, eyeliner does not make a girl trashy. One of the trashiest girls in our high school has a very conservative LOOK, goes to church every sunday - and has sex with a new boy every few weeks.
Rose

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-25-2007
Sun, 04-29-2007 - 9:33am

Thanks again for the replies. I'll have a talk with her this evening. You gals have been terrific.

Now, I need advice on another issue. I'll post that in a seperate thread since it's a different topic.

Thanks for your help.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2004
Sun, 04-29-2007 - 12:09pm
Let her wear the makeup she wants to. It could very well be a rebellion against your attititude on makeup. Let it be.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2006
Sun, 04-29-2007 - 12:09pm

hi, I agree with OP's. As long as the grades are good and she's a decent human being, that's the main thing. haha My osd went from zero makeup to the heavy black eyeliner wrapped around her eyes at age 14. She's dyed her hair underneath pink, blue and black too.

I'm okay with all this - I just thank god she's not into 'sexy' clothes like micro minis and half shirts and heels etc.. That would be very upsetting to me, but thankfully she's into the rock t shirts and skinny jeans..

I will say, though, that her heavy handed makeup skills make her look pretty awful! I don't offer to teach her or help her fix it or anything b/c I think she has to figure this out on her own and she does not want to hear from an 'old person' what would look good on her. I cringe at my school fotos from 9th-12th grade with the rainbow shadow and high bangs, too! I remember thinking my dad was so out of touch for telling me I didn't need to wear so much makeup. haha!! Of course now I know, he and my mom were right.. It all comes back around doesn't it?

:)

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-25-2007
Sun, 04-29-2007 - 12:21pm

Thanks again for the replies! It seems I'm not alone. :)

I guess what scared me is my DD cousin who is 14 (just turned 14 this week) wears heavy, heavy black eyeliner. I think she's channeling Avril Lavigne. DD tells me this girl has no friends at school and has to eat lunch by herself. She says kids make fun of her because she wears heavy make up. My fear was if DD started wearing this heavy make up, the same thing may happen to her. But as I think about this, I don't think that would happen. DD is a happy, bubbly kid with lots of friends. I think if she wore something the others found distastefull they would let her know and she would stop.

Thanks for the advice. When I went to Wal-Mart yesterday afternoon, I bought her some brown eyeliner in the lightest shade I could find (with a sponge tip to smudge). I'm hoping she may be willing to comprimise.