Being too strict on DD14?
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| Sun, 04-29-2007 - 10:04am |
This is my second problem.
DD14, received In School Suspension last week (ISS) for public display of affection. Seems her and her boyfriend have been warned several times about hugging and kissing on school property. As punishment at home we took away the computer for a week and she's not allowed to see her boyfriend this weekend. Being the creative girl she is, she's figured a way around the boyfriend crisis. Here's how: we'll be at my brothers house this afternoon to celebrate my twin nieces 14th birthday. They'll have several friends over. DD called last night to say, "you're going to yell at me, because (boyfriend) is coming to the birthday party." Seems her cousin invited him. I know this is DD way of manipulating the situation to work in her favor. So, now I'm not sure how to address this. Do I just let it slide? Or tell her since she saw (boyfriend) this weekend, she'll go without seeing him next weekend?
I'm concerned how obsessed she is with this boy. He seems like a good kid, but he's two years older than her. This is her first boyfriend and they're madly in love. Now, I know from reading this board, that the chance of them staying together is pretty slim. When she tells me how much she loves him, I support her and don't try to belittle her emotions. If she follows the pattern of a lot of other girls, she or he will move on eventually. But for now, our rules dictate that she can only see him at our house, in the main living area (TV Room, kitchen, den, living room) or I'll let her meet him at the skate park for a few hours on the weekend.
In my first post, I mentioned agreed upon rules that were set when she was 13, regarding dating, make-up etc. Now, it seems all of this is going out the window. I appreciated the replies to my other thread from mom's who say it's ok to change the rules as you go along. I wonder, do all the rules get changed? She was not supposed to date until she was 16 and here she is at 14 madly in love with this boy. To me, this is exactly the reason she shouldn't be dating, at 14 she's too immature. Since she's been in high school, she thinks she's grown up. She talks back, she's disrespectful, and the attitude is terrible. Are these red flags or just normal teenage behavior? DD is very strong willed and we expected her teen years would be difficult. Do I stand back and wait for this phase to pass? Or, do I crack down on her and enforce limitations? What is the barometer? As long as she keeps her grades up in school, should we be more lenient? Right now she's doing excellent in school, last report card 4 A's and 1 B+.
Any insight any of you can give me would be much appreciated. I feel so much better about the make-up dilemma that was in my thread yesterday. You gals have been very helpful.
Thanks in advance!!

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Hi, I have limited experience here since my sds don't live with us, but you are almost exactly describing my osd14. Her bf is also 16, seems like a great kid, but 'madly in love' is too soft a term for what they have going on. They are the classic, dramatic, 'I wake up in the morning for you' kind of teen stuff. We view their web pages and they both profess their love for each other all over it. I wouldn't be surprised if my sd would get caught with the PDA, if her school does that sort of thing.I agree, 14 seems so young!! They have been together for almost a year and a half, but it only got really serious right before the year mark...
Since she lives with her mother (who is VERY liberal, they sleepover at each other's houses!!), I can't offer any suggestions as to what to do, but you are not alone with this phenomena. Since we have no control, we just keep communications as open as possible.
I think it's appropriate that you ground her in the way you did, but I can't believe dd is so crafty to arrange bf to attend (that is so my osd, too!). I think you are in a tough position because you can't be too strict, or she'll run to him more and hide her activity with him, but I think what you did sounds appropriate. Maybe try to talk with her about how since she's grounded, she should remember she is at the party for her cousin, not to canoodle with her bf. I am inclined to let this one go, but be clear what you expect from her at this party.
I am personally a stickler for good grades, extra curricular activities etc so I think dd should be reminded that she is on the right track there and you are pleased she is meeting those expectations, but if the grades go down, priveliges (like bf coming over etc) will be removed.
My osd got more defiant and mouthy at 14, too (and she's a good kid overall). I am guessing we have a few more years of this exerting her independence all the time etc..yikes! Sorry I don't have many suggestions but I can commiserate with what you are going through. Good Luck!
Probably not going to be much help because my kids were not like your DD at all.
My now college student daughter was too sensible and too mature for her age to be infatulated with any boy. We never had a problem with her and never had to come up with rules. We discussed situations as they arose and acted accordingly. My youngest, a 16DS is very similar. He thinks girls is age are "giggly air-heads".
I would not say that acting disrespective is normal teenage behaviour. It is common behaviour when there is a clash of wills between parents and kids. But to say that it is normal is to say that most teenagers are like that. I know many many teenagers who are not. Abd to EXPECT problems is to have problems. Don't prejudge or expect. Use common sense and try to remember how you felt at that age.
Any punishment has to fit the "crime" and should be designed to teach,not punish. So, I have to ask what does the computer have to do with her & her boyfriend engaging in unappropriate public displays of affection? What does it teach her to take her computer away for a week?
The idea should be to show the kids how they should behave in public. Restrict the time they can spend ALONE together; given their ages I see no problem with that. But MAKE IT NORMAL,not artifical. For example, the kids can go to a movie with a group of friends. You take them there & pick them up. Group dating is OK but not one-on-one dating. Invite the friends over on the weekend, as a group. Go for family outings and invite the boy. Make everything natural. Teach them how to behave in public. Telling your DD she can not see the boy only makes him more of a target of her emotions.
As for the party,unless you did not allow her to go out this weekend AT ALL, telling her she could not SEE the boy was well, silly. It was a "paper tiger type of punishment". Your DD has no control as to where HE GOES. Did you talk to his parents? She could have gone to the grocery store and he was there too. Did you tell your brother that your DD was not suppose to see this boy? Is this boy a friend of your nieces? Does not your nieces have a right to invite who they want to their parties? So, the next time you use this type of punishment, make sure everyone else is on "board".
Sit down with BOTH OF THEM and have a heart-to-heart talk about following the rules of their school. By the way, how strict are the rules?
We never had a repeat and she and the boy are still "together" and of course, "in love!"
Thanks for the reply! I appreciate your input and point of view.
". . . . to EXPECT problems is to have problems. Don't prejudge or expect. Use common sense and try to remember how you felt at that age."
Yes, you're probably right. I admit to being a controlling person and I try to catch myself when I get into this "mode".
"Any punishment has to fit the "crime" and should be designed to teach,not punish. So, I have to ask what does the computer have to do with her & her boyfriend engaging in unappropriate public displays of affection? What does it teach her to take her computer away for a week?"
Well, her favorite activity is IMing her friends, making movies using iDVD, using Photoshop to manipulate some of her pictures. She doesn't like the computer being taken away from her. Maybe it doesn't fit the crime. What ARE some punishments that WOULD fit the crime? I think letting this pass without some sort of consequence would be wrong. I agree with you about showing her how to behave in public by inviting her bf to go places with us. I'll do that.
"Did you talk to his parents?"
No, he does not live with his parents. He lives with his grandparents. We don't know them very well, but they seem like nice people.
"Did you tell your brother that your DD was not suppose to see this boy? Is this boy a friend of your nieces?"
No, except to tell them about her getting in trouble at school. They live in another school district, in another county so I had no idea my niece would invite this boy. She only knows him through limited exposure at the skating rink.
"Does not your nieces have a right to invite who they want to their parties?"
Absolutely. I know she only invited him because DD told her to.
I like your idea of sitting them both down and talking to them. I know DD will find this mortifying, but it will put all of us on the same page. Regarding the strictness of the school, I don't have another school to compare it to. I think they're pretty strict, which I see as a good thing. I talked to the principal after this happened and discovered the kids had been warned several times. I'm going to call her tomorrow and ask if it's possible to be informed if they're warned again.
Again, thanks for your input. You've given me some things to think about.
What you say is so true. DD attitude was not remorseful at all. I think her school must be similar to your school. I don't think this particular occasion was much more then her leaning on his arm, with his arm on her back. But, this combined with other warnings and "attitude" towards the teacher who busted them warrants some kind of consequence.
She's also angry because he did not get into trouble.
Maybe I'll be as lucky and not have a repeat. She's assured me it won't happen again.
Thanks for the response!
You are welcome.
Please don't see your self as controling. You are just trying to do what is best for your child.
If your nieces invited this boy to the party for your daughter, I would suggest that a chat with your brother is in order. Your nieces need to know that they should not help to circumvent your rules for your daughter. They need a talking too as well.
My sister did the chats with her sons & g/fs. Yes, it was a bit unconfortable but it did help. Call the grandparents. They could very well welcome a phone call. It will tell them that their grandson is hanging around a girl whose parents care and are concerned about her. And if you have to restrict them seeing each other having the grandparents in the loop will be helpful.
It will help you too to understand if the grandparents are on the same page as you are.
I have also made it a point to get to know the kids my kids hanged arround with,especially the parents of these kids.
Good luck.
All rules are not created equal!
I think modifying some is natural-we are clueless with that first one or not aware of how much times have changed
But we want to keep to the big ones and I think setting a higher dating age is big. I see a lot of posts on this board with problems that seem to arise from 13 and 14 yr olds dating. The girls DO seem to fall hard and often the boys are older than the girls. It's a road filled with potholes. I think even a year will lessen the number of potholes
Sticking to your guns about group dating or being at your home, etc is worth some agony
As for the birthday thing, oh well. Its a done deal. Let it go. I might be especially attentive to the couple while at the party, of course, making sure they are included in all the old people conversations you can muster(and this is Great Aunt Bea who has a wonderful story to tell you two)
As for the original infraction at school, I personally do not believe in punishing again at home when the teen has already been punished at school. We have enough battles on the home front to be taking on theirs. I might change my mind if the behavior continued or escalated but a first offense? Nope!
I personally think you are being to strict on her. If she is making good grades and not giving out other problems I think your punishment is to harsh. I would say that one weekend without the BF would be fine but taking away the computer seems to harsh.
I also think that what she did was not all that bad. Hugging and kissing really is not that bad. Now if he had his hand up her shirt that would be different but just hugging and kissing isn't all that bad.
My parents also said I could not date until I was 16. I started dating my BF at 14 we dated all through high school, college and will celebrate our 1 year marriage anniversary in July.
Although talking back and a bad attitude is part of a teenager I knew than in order to see my BF on the weekend I had to behave. My grades had to be above a C+ and I had to have my homework and household chores done before I could see him. We could be in my room with the door open, go for walks or watch tv in the living room. Or be dropped off someplace for a while. I would say excessive attitude would be grounds for punishment rather than kissing and hugging in school.
I'm with you on not imposing consequences at home for something at the school unless there's a repeat episode, or if they seem to be blowing off what the school is doing. Though there definitely IS a discussion about what happened at school.
When it comes to PDA, I wish our school were a little more strict - kids are hanging all over each other all the time! N & T used to do a fair amount of PDA early in their relationship, but the past 3 or 4 months the only things I've noticed is that the cuddle a lot while watching tv or a movie. But that tends to be restricted to when nobody else is in the room with them, and if someone comes in they "shift" to less physical contact, so I don't say anything about it. One of the boys was dating a girl who really did a lot of hanging on - the PDA was enough to turn a parent's stomach, and the number of discussions we had about it... gads! Finally I told her that either it was going to cool down a little, or my DH would be talking to her. She told DD that "PDA is fun" - this from a very conservative Christian girl who vowed to wait until she married. Scary - and no, she didn't wait, not even close.
Rose
You're definitely not being too strict.
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