Trust Issues

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2007
Trust Issues
6
Tue, 05-01-2007 - 11:36am

My 13 year old stays home alone only limited amounts of time (only child-single mom). He is not allowed on the internet normally, especially if I am not at home. Several months ago I discovered by accident that not only had he gotten onto the web, but had browsed some *adult* sites. Whoa! Did that get a big reaction out of me!!!!

He swore he would never do it again. I made him take his password off of his PC (which is in my office near my PC) and periodically I check the cache and history. Haven't seen anything that is a problem.

This last week I was browsing myspace. I do this periodically to get a clue what's going on with my son's schoolfriends. Imagine my surprise when I see my SON's photo! There is a myspace profile with his photo, a header that says he needs a girlfriend, his city/state, and his ENTIRE FULL NAME!!! I couldn't read the other details because it was set to private, but the last log in date was... the ONE day he is home alone after school.
Imagine those old cartoons where steam comes out of the ears? That was ME!!!

I immediately called him at eleven PM at his friends house! He repeatedly swore he didn't do it. Didn't set it up. Hadn't even seen it. Insisted a girl at school took his photo at school and asked if he would like her to put him on the internet.

When he got home the next day, we spent a LONG time talking about trust, internet safety, trash on myspace... etc etc etc.

I have since had the myspace account deleted. For a brief moment I was able to view the site... it had 12 friends attached. Which the owner had to accept. So SOMEONE was active on that site and all the comments seemed to think it was truly my son. ALthough I've told him I would accept his story that this girl set it, I'm finding that I have doubts. I'm not sure I trust him and I really hate that.

It doesnt help that this same weekend I caught him trying to hide some other information from me. Not bad, but still. He had agreed to pet-sit for a neighbor for $50. Turns out they gave him a $200 check BEFORE they left on vacation. He told his friends and a friend's mom, but not me. When the neighbor returned, I asked DS if he got paid. He said yes, but didn't tell me how much and didn't mention that it was before they left. Just said he got a check. Of course, he can't CASH a check so he had to show me. At which point I immediately told him it had to go back (puhleeze - that's over $80 an hour to feed a damn dog!)

He knew it was wrong, which was why he hadn't told me. He knew I'd make him take it back. I am unhappy because I had to find out from his friend's mother that he had been paid this much. And it isn't the first time I've learned things from her that he never told me. Of course, I usually tell her "oh no, not my son" or "oh no, your kids must have misheard".. and THEN I find out she's not wrong. I really hate that. It makes it seem like I know nothing about the reality of DS's life. Which apparently I don't!

All this has created a major sense of distrust in me and I don't know how to fix that. I find I'm wondering about other things he tells me. Doubting things more, even though I don't always tell him.

Don't get me wrong. In general he is a great kid. It's not like he's stealing money, skipping school, doing drugs,etc. And these are relatively minor offenses. But honesty has always been a big issue for me (and he knows it) so it bothers me to "wonder" if my son is telling me the truth about things.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-29-2003
In reply to: karenlk10
Tue, 05-01-2007 - 11:56am

Ok---I'm a freaked out parent, too....I have trust issues too,BUT with that said, I'd like to point out some positives in all of what you are dealing with. He is NORMAL......first and foremost. Looking at adult sites, although distasteful and totally against most families belief system, is NORMAL. He's curious, he's interested, he's in or approaching puberty---therefore WHAT he's doing is not something to be upset over. Now, discussing family values, your expectations, etc is one thing, but he is NOT a degenerate because he's peeking......really.

Secondly--as far as the pet sitting....$200 bucks would be tempting for ME to take.....easy cash!! Now, morally we all know better, etc....but at 13, I imaging trying to figure out a way to keep some big time money would be VERY tempting. Why did the neighbor give him so much if they'd already agreed on an amount? That is what I find more strange than your son hoping to pocket the extra!

He's NOT distrustful--he's a normal teen. It is SO easy for me sitting here to dole out advice,etc....I completely understand when you are embroiled in an emotional issue, it seems like TORTURE and it seems so UNFAIR.....but really, what you are dealing with is really easy compared to some....he could be drinking--or addicted to drugs---or worse....I read somewhere (maybe here, I can't remember) that if your kid is HIDING stuff from you that it is GOOD (in a backwards way). If he cares enough to hide it, he has a concience--it is those kids who blatently do and take whatever they want without regard to any humans that is scary--

The my space thing? Well, again, as a mother of 2 teen boys, it is inevitable. You just have to keep track and monitor it.....if he changes his password the site gets deleted. Simple as that. It, for the most part, is truly a social network for kids----it's disgusting what predators do, and attempt, but it is the kids who ultimately pay for a potential predator's sins.....you know?

Good luck, and remember that he's a good kid..........he's just testing his boundarys which is pretty normal at this point.

Best of luck

shels

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2007
In reply to: karenlk10
Tue, 05-01-2007 - 12:08pm

It's not so much whether he setup a myspace site. If he did do it and then owned up to it when caught, that would be one thing.

My concern is that I don't know if I believe what he's telling me.

I asked him the girl's name he claimed set it up. He insisted he didn't remember.
Then I remember he had told me it previously, so then he said he must have just forgotten.

I told him to call around and find her phone number so we could ask her to shut down the site. He claims to have called five girl friends, but that no one knew the girl's phone. But he kept going to his room to call and seemed to manage 5 calls awfully fast, so I even doubt that, now.

It's not that he got caught doing something he shouldn't. THat I could roll with.

It's feeling I can't trust what he tells me. That really bothers me. SHould I talk to him about it again? Tell him how all this looks and how it makes me feel? Or is this just a mom thing I should keep to myself?

Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: karenlk10
Tue, 05-01-2007 - 12:13pm

I think you also need some perspective. He is 13. MySpace if for 16 and older. Yes, there are many many kids under 16 on there but they are not supposed to be. Having him remove his myspace account is fine just remember that if he really wants one, he can create another one without your knowledge. And my dd had a couple of friends who created myspace accounts for friends - with their knowledge and consent. But, they are all older than 16.

I just think the check for the dog watching was a stupid immature typical teen stunt and I wouldn't allow that to be the basis for your level of trust in your son.

You've spoken with him about everything. You've laid out for him what your expectations are of him and how you expect him to proceed from here on in and that's all you can really hope for. Keep an eye out, be alert, but don't be like Big Brother. Part of growing up is done by learning through their mistakes. He's still young with many opportunities to mess up and learn from his mistakes. You get to guide him lovingly along the way.

Lastly, try to hold you tongue and NOT over react to every little thing. If he feels like he has to be perfect or the good boy 24/7 he will only try to hide things even further from you. Try hard to remember what it's like to be 13 and understand that he needs to be himself without endangering you or him in the process and he can't be lying about stupid things. When you feel like steam is going to come out of your ears, take a break and go for a walk so you can think about how you want to react and what you'd like to say to your son. At 13, you have to expect that he may screw up, lie or make up stories. It doesn't mean you let him get away with it, but you don't have to react to every little thing. And by all means, allow him the opportunity to demonstrate that he can be trusted.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-29-2003
In reply to: karenlk10
Tue, 05-01-2007 - 1:58pm

hearts, you said it so well. I need to take YOUR advice....I'm sort of a micromanager.....I did (and still am) FREAKING out that my ds spend 35 dollars on a baseball hat.............now see? That is MY control issues.....I should be able to say, that is HIS money, he earned it, and it's his problem when he doesn't have cash for the next 'thing'.

I agree what you said----it's a balance, it's being watchful and careful, but no over-reacting...not micromanaging.......(can you see the neon sign on my forehead that says THAT'S ME)

My best advice is to keep it all in perspective. Try to remember when YOU were a teen and how 'out of touch' YOUR parents were back then--then remember the moment when that horrible realization hit you.......your PARENTS were right. Not only were they right, but it all makes COMPLETE sense.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: karenlk10
Tue, 05-01-2007 - 2:13pm

<>

Personally, I think this is a better place to be than believing everything your child tells you

Skeptical is realistic

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2007
In reply to: karenlk10
Wed, 05-02-2007 - 6:11pm

unfortunately as some others have said, myspace is something kids want to participate in. but fortunately there are ways to make it a safe and positive experience for him. if you take it away completely, he will do it behind your back and possibly in an unsafe way. but if you communicate with him about the dangers of revealing your personal information and teach him how to make a safe profile while expressing himself through it, this may be something you can do together. if he only communicates with people he knows in real life and uses the privacy settings, he can choose to be safer and more responsible.

i learned alot about this at www.NetSmartz411.org - this site answered all my questions about my kids and the internet. how you approach them will determine what they learn from you.