A Different Type Of Trust Issue

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2006
A Different Type Of Trust Issue
18
Tue, 05-01-2007 - 3:17pm

I am posting here in hopes to get some advice on how to deal with a situation that I've never had to deal with before. My 18 year old son has been dating his girlfriend for 15 months. She is adorable and the sweetest young lady I've ever met. She adores my son and he adores her. The other night however, I heard him talking in a quiet voice on his cell phone at 1:00 in the morning. I could tell by the tone of his voice that he wasn't talking to a friend, nor did I suspect he was talking to his girlfriend, as they typically don't talk on the phone all that much anymore (since they're usually always together). I went upstairs to see if I could tell who he was talking to and I could hear him saying things to someone (other than his girlfriend) that indicated that this girl and he had some serious feelings for eachother. My heart dropped into my stomach. I went to my room to try to decide what to do, and after about 30 minutes went back upstairs to see if he was still on the phone, which he was. I knocked on his door and asked him to come downstairs so that I could talk to him. He did and I asked him to be completely honest with me and tell me who he was talking to. At first he said he was talking to his girlfriend, but I told him that I could tell it was someone else. He then admitted that it was another girl that he works with. I asked him about their relationship and he tried to down-play it, but from what I overheard, it seems pretty serious. I asked him why he was talking to another girl and he just kept saying that she was just "a really cool girl" and that he just really enjoys talking to her. I asked him if he would be okay with his girlfriend talking quietly on her phone at 1:00 in the morning to a "really cool guy" to which he replied that he would not. His stance on the situation was that they were only talking and that he really didn't think it was that big of a deal (despite admitting that he wouldn't want his girlfriend to do it). He assured me that if he felt this new relationship was "going somewhere" he would let me know but that for now, they were just talking. I left it at that the first night. The next day, I spoke with my son again in more depth about the situation and how he really needs to decide which girl he wants to be with because even just "talking" to someone on the phone (in the manner in which he's doing) is wrong when you're committed to another. I told him that any time he has to lie about something (as he did to me and as he is to his girlfriend), it's probably wrong, and that he shouldn't be doing it. I explained all about "affairs of the heart", and how they are just as wrong as physical affairs. He is extremely intelligent, has been raised with good values, and in all likelihood KNOWS that what he's doing is wrong, and yet when I told him he NEEDED to make a choice he got angry at me and told him that it was his life and that he felt I was FORCING him to do something that he didn't want to do. We spoke further and I finally felt I was getting through to him. I told him that I wasn't "forcing" him to do anything at this point and that I was HOPEFUL that HE would do the right thing on is own. He seemed like he was in agreement with everything, said that he did NOT want to break up with his girlfriend (we spoke all about why and whether he thinks he may be tiring of her, etc.), and implied that he would stop talking to the other girl. Later that evening, I asked him if he'd let the other girl know yet that he couldn't talk to her any more and he said, "no not really". I asked him how he was going to deal with that situation and he said that he was just going to talk to her a little less. Since this is a girl who he works with, I'm concerned that he will still be able to see her whenever he wants, and I'm also concerned that he has and will continue to make up excuses to go into work early just to spend time with this other girl (in other words, lie to me and his girlfriend about what he's up to). My biggest concern however is that IF he doesn't stop, that his girlfriend will find out and be devastated. I've tried talking to my son about this, but he doesn't seem to realize how much damage he could do to his girlfriend and their relationship by his actions. This young lady is like a daughter to me because my son has said all along that he wanted to marry his girlfriend when they graduate from college, etc. She even calls me "mom". So, needless to say, I'm very concerned about her well-being.

The way I see it, there are two issues here. There is the issue of my son lying to his girlfriend, and there is the issue of my son lying to me. I've very clearly told my son that the RIGHT thing to do is to CHOOSE one girl. So far, I don't see that he's done this yet, although it's only been two days since this all surfaced. Am I wrong to FORCE him to do the right thing by his girlfriend and choose? Also, it will be very easy for me to see if he's still talking to this girl when this month's cell phone bill comes out, so if I choose to, I will be able to address the issue of lying to me as well. I just don't know how far to take this and how exactly to "deal" with his dishonesty. In the past, dishonesty has always been handled in such a way whereby if you lied, you were punished. As some of you may know however, punishing an 18 year old isn't very easy.

I think that what concerns me the most is that in a few months my son will be leaving for college and will be able to live his life however he so chooses (pretty much) regarding how honest or dishonest he chooses to be. My heart is broken to think that as he leaves the nest, he may decide to live a life with substandard values.

Help!

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Avatar for suzyk2118
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-1997
Tue, 05-01-2007 - 3:47pm

If nothing else, this may be a great test of he and the true girlfriend's relationship strength. I can remember when I was in the summer after freshman year in college; I met a guy where I was doing research work and he wanted to date me. I was in a committed relationship, but I did want to go out with the guy as friends - honest, nothing more. It did end up breaking up our relationship, but it was a good thing I think because we were immature - the 'new guy' (4 years older than me, 3 older than bf) was no threat to my relationship but my bf and I didn't know how to deal with that as a couple. I knew that in my (technical) profession I'd be with guys/men pretty much all the time and they weren't threats either. But somehow bf couldn't get past that (and the new guy did realize I didn't want to really date him, but did enjoy doing stuff as friends - he'd pressure me for more but I said no). And at that time I was engaged to bf; I don't recall you saying your ds was engaged yet.

Anyway what I'm saying is this is all part of growing up and coming to terms with who we are and what we want and what we need (for me, the ability to have other friends and not always do stuff with bf, which was honestly not a threat to our relationship in my eyes - I don't mean that once I'd marry I'd hang out with another guy one on one; just that if friends went out and bf/husband wasn't there, he shouldn't feel jealous if there were other guys/men there - he should have faith in our relationship/love). Until that wedding ring is on their finger, they should be able to see what's right for them, date more than one person (but I don't think it should be hidden from the other) if that's what's needed, etc. You definitely would not want him to commit to his gf-turned-wife and then cheat just because he didn't get a chance to explore prior to marriage. JMHO.

Sue

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2006
Tue, 05-01-2007 - 4:07pm

Hi Sue and thanks so much for responding. I think that you're right that many aspects of what my son is "going through" is normal, etc. The difference between your situation and my son's situation (I'm sorry to say) is that what YOU were doing wasn't wrong. You didn't want to be anything more than friends with the "other guy", however my son clearly wants more than that with this "other girl" (although he says he doesn't feel it will ever get physical, I beg to differ). He says that he really likes the way the other girl makes him feel and that it reminds him of how he used to feel when he first met his girlfriend. I talked to him about how the "excitment" of a new relationship fades in time with EVERY relationship but that those feelings are replaced by other feelings. He's young, and I'm not necessarily suggesting that he stay with his current girlfriend forever (especially if he's already starting to meander) but I do want and expect him to handle what he's doing properly.

Regarding being engaged -- he has given his girlfriend a promise ring (gave it to her on their one year anniversary). So, while it's not "engagement", it certainly is a commitment.

I just have this knot in the pit of my stomach and I don't know what to do about it. I adore my son but I expected more from him and feel his girlfriend deserves better than to be lied to.

Avatar for suzyk2118
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-1997
Tue, 05-01-2007 - 4:31pm

The only thing I can think of is be honest with her and tell her about the other girl and that it's 'just friends' and see how she reacts. As you say, it is imperative that she learns of this, whether it's as 'just friends' or what could turn into possibly more than that. They need to stay honest if they want a strong lasting relationship. He just has to realize it could backfire, but he needs to be honest with himself too. I know - it was very hard for me back then too...(and my mom encouraged me to see the other guy!! The first one, my real bf, was far more 'worth it' than the other one was, but I didn't like feeling guilty about doing stuff with friends without bf)

Sue

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2006
Tue, 05-01-2007 - 4:44pm

Well, while my heart breaks for all concerned (including myself), I really don't feel right being the one to tell her. I feel that's my son's place and even though I feel what my son is doing is wrong, I don't feel I could go behind his back and tell his girlfriend what he's doing. I would rather focus on how to deal with HIM so that HE will learn how to do the right thing, and feel GOOD about having done so. It's just almost as if it doesn't even matter to him, or maybe that he feels he won't get "caught" or something. I wish I knew what was going through his head these days.

Like I said before, HE'S going to have to be the one to handle these situations completely on his own one of these days -- I only hope he decides to be more honest with himself and others in the future.

Avatar for suzyk2118
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-1997
Tue, 05-01-2007 - 4:51pm
Oh, ABSOLUTELY. I didn't remotely mean to suggest you'd be the one to tell her. HE has to do that. Best of luck...
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
Tue, 05-01-2007 - 5:16pm

Hi and welcome to the board.

Pam
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 05-01-2007 - 6:38pm

I once read that when men initiate divorce they almost always already have someone else whereas that is not true for women

Makes me wonder if it's a guy thing?

I don't see that he has 'done' anything yet. Yes, he is putting himself in a position to go down that path but he is probably admiring himself for not going farther than he has, KWIM? And he may deserve some kudos for that!

You have given him your wise words about 'if you have to lie......'

Now he has to make his decision.

My oldest didnt date until he was a month or two shy of 20 and then moved in with the gal. They've been together two years now and she is talking marriage and he appears to be going along.

No, Im not happy and it isnt about the girl. He needs to look around NOW not wonder later. She is only 19 and he might as well be, based on his dating experience.

Way, way too young!

I wish this story was about my son-not that I want to see GF hurt or that I dont like her. I would even be okay if he dated around and came back to her.

I think your son is, in a way, wise to be aware that there are different paths out there(although I hope he is honest before it becomes more than phone calls-of course)

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2006
Tue, 05-01-2007 - 6:45pm

Hi Pam and thanks a bunch for your kind words of wisdom. I completely agree with you about trying not to get too involved in the teen drama. I've actually got 3 teenagers (my 18 year old son, a 17 year old daughter, and a 14 year old son) so I've already learned about trying not to get sucked into all of that stuff. It really can wear a parent down.

I do wonder though about your advice regarding not being able to "force" my son to choose one girl. On one hand, I totally agree because at this age, I feel that the decision on how to handle this situation and whether or not to do the right thing should be his, and that this knowledge should have already been instilled in him. I think this is where the majority of my disappointment comes from -- the realization that we seem to have missed something along the way regarding honesty and integrity. On the other hand, when it comes to lying, shouldn't I, as a parent, enforce something? Isn't it my job to insist he do the right thing if he's not going to do it on his own? Isn't it the same (or similar) to requiring them to go to school or be in by a certain time? Aren't there just some "rules" that we are to expect our kids to follow? This is such a difficult issue because it's about what he FEELS inside.... although not too many 18 year olds "FEEL" like going to school or being home by midnight, yet it's expected so they do it.

I'm so torn on this matter. I really do like the idea however of just sort of taking a step back and letting him do whatever he decides to do. My husband keeps telling me that I should let him make his own mistakes and he'll learn from those mistakes, but my concern is for the well-being of others involved as well as for my son's own happiness. I think that parents try to protect their kids from making choices that they may regret in the future, and that's exactly what I feel I'm trying to do for my son. I don't want him to make a decision that he may regret for the rest of his life, and yet that may be exactly what he needs to do in order to learn not to do it again. AUGH!

I would SO go back to potty training IN A HEARTBEAT!!!

Thanks again for your advice.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2006
Tue, 05-01-2007 - 6:52pm

Thank you Windrush. You all are really helping me to realize that this may not be the end of the world as I've thought. I've been such a wreck since all this first started (snapping at my other two kids who don't have a CLUE as to why, crying in bed at night due to the thought of the sweet girlfriend never thinking the same way about my son, the pain that may be inflicted, etc. etc.). I've tried praying and giving the situation to God, but I always end up worrying about it again... But I can tell you that hearing everybody else's perspective really does help me to realize that it may not be quite as bad as I've thought.

Thanks.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
Tue, 05-01-2007 - 10:17pm
I didn't mean to imply that you shouldn't 'encourage', 'guide', 'suggest', etc. that your ds do some deep soul-searching and decide what he really wants - whether it's taking a break from gf, 'coming clean' and telling her that he's talking to someone else, distancing himself from the other girl - whatever.
Pam

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