Issues with a stepmom

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2007
Issues with a stepmom
18
Thu, 05-03-2007 - 1:06pm
I have a 13 year old daughter. My ex and I have been divorced since she was 4 years old and her stepmom has been in the picture ever since. My daughter is amazing, straight A's, Honor Society, all that. Her dad and her stepmom spoil her absolutely rotten and buy her anything she wants if she tells them stuff about me and my new hubby. Her stepmom does everything she can to be my daughter's best friend. We have had her in counseling and the counselor has even told us that my daughter admitted to playing games between me and her father. I was told by a relative of the stepmom that her stepmom is doing everything she can to "win" my daughter from me and that they are creating a "monster". Two days ago, my husband told my daughter she had to clean up the kitchen after dinner because I had a lot of other things to do. My daughter cleaned up the kitchen, and then played outside with friends for awhile. We laughed and joked like we always do. The next day, my daughter went to her father's house after school for his visitation. I had no idea that anything was wrong until I looked in my purse and found a letter that my daughter had apparently written the day before telling me that she wants to live with her dad because she shouldn't have had to do the dishes. Now she refused to answer her phone and won't return my calls. I am so hurt and also angry that she would do this. But I also know that her stepmom and father have a big part of it. Any advice would be great!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Thu, 05-03-2007 - 1:13pm
I'm sorry this is so hard for you. I have no btdt experience dealing with ex and step parent, but in genereal, the more you let a 13 y/o's ranting get to you, the worse it gets. Don't play into her manipulations - and ALL 13 y/os manipulate to a certain extent - and hopefully she will move on to other territory sooner rather than later. Truthfully, most kids don't like doing chores around the house - mine only threatened to run away, never to be heard from again when they had to do the dishes or whatever, they had no "dad's house" to run away too.
Rose
Avatar for mjaye2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 05-03-2007 - 1:51pm

I agree with Rose in that ALL 13yo manipulate as much as they can. No kid wants to do chores. I mean, we gownups don't want to do chores! And, kids of divorced parents threaten with the "I want to live with Dad (or Mom as the case may be) whereas the other kids just threaten to run away.

Apparently, you are the primary custodial parent. And, (I'm guessing here) that you have a less than stellar relationship with your ex. That's too bad, but sometimes I understand it is just simply unavoidable. You and your ex should be co-parenting *with* each other, rather than trying to set one against the other. I know, some parents just simply can't do that.

The first thing you need to do is not take this personally. There can be a lot of things a teen says to a parent that can really hurt our feelings, but we just can't take it personally. We need to see it for what it is. Basically a temper tantrum--teen style. :)

Secondly, you say she won't answer or return your calls? Is she still at her dad's house? If so, let her be. She's safe at her dad's so you needn't worry. (Now, if she were out and about on her own and not answering her cell phone, then I would have MAJOR issues with that.)

Other than that, ignore the letter. Don't bring it up or question her or anything. The more she knows that that will hurt you (wanting to live with Dad) the more she will bring it up when she is in a huff. Don't let it get to you. Parent her the way you would parent her if both parents still lived together.

Ideally, you could talk to ex and get him on board with the program, but I know some parents, even after this long of a divorce, still would use their children as "weapons" against the other. It's nearly unfathomable to me, but I know it's true. If you and ex can't come to agreements on anything, do not obsess over what goes on at their house. You cannot control it. You can only control what happens in your house.

One more thought...don't blame *everything bad* on the ex and step-mom. Realize your dd is 13 and is playing into this as much as anyone. Possibly moreso. I'm not saying she is a bad kid or anything like that. I'm simly saying she is 13. :)

HTH

divorced mom of 2 boys since '92

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2007
Thu, 05-03-2007 - 4:38pm
I agree that this is not all dad and stepmom being pains. The only reason I think it is stepmom this time is because my daughter closed herself in her room and was on the phone with stepmom before I got the letter. My daughter is at her father's until Monday. I am just going to leave her alone until then. I'm trying not to be angry! Thank you for your thoughts!
Avatar for jbgattuso
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2003
Thu, 05-03-2007 - 4:54pm

((((((((HUGS)))))))))) I would just hate to be in your shoes. My guess would be that your DD doesn't spend as much time at Father and SM's as with you...if that is the case, I'll keep my fingers crossed that she will quickly get a reality check, because even though she is trying so hard to befriend your daughter, she'll probably not last long before she is acting like any 'ol parent, you know mean for making her do chores. Anyway, I am so sorry again, It would break my heart :(

Good luck,

Julie

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2007
Fri, 05-04-2007 - 9:07am
Thanks, Julie...I am just taking it one day at a time. I am supposed to pick my DD up from school on Monday, and I have decided to just call her father and let him know that I am not going to pick her up. We will see what happens from there. Only two days before this happened, she was complaining to me that she had to do the laundry at her father's house. So, I know she is playing games. My DD got her wish, my husband left this morning. But, I am not going to let her know that. It is time for my DD to have a reality check, too. I am sick of being walked on.
Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 05-04-2007 - 3:11pm

I think you and your exh, her father, need to have a sit down and get on the same page. You need to point out her manipulative behavior and, regardless of what you don't like about his wife, you need to make a decision to communicate with one another and not through your dd.

So what if her stepmom is trying to get close to her? If I were a stepmom I would try to get close to my stepchildren. Otherwise, what is the point of marrying anyone with children if you're not going to make an effort of loving their children? Stepmom and dd's relationship cannot replace your relationship with dd. This is not a competition and you need to ignore that entire aspect of things. If you give it attention, it will become more than it is. Instead, revel in the relationship you have with dd (and including your h, of course). Allow her to have her own relationship with her dad and stepmom. Take a step back from this type of thinking - it only adds fuel to the fire if you begin feeding into what her life it like there as opposed to home and what she is telling them. If you communicate with her father directly, there will be no miscommunications and she will not be able to play the games she plays.

That said, is your exh trying to gain custody of dd or into playing games? If so, then this is a task for the courts and this should be explained to dd. The issue is not with your dd's stepmom, incidentally, it is with your dd and you exh. Not to discredit stepmoms across the board, as I'm sure there are some really great ones out there - but your dd is yours and your exh's responsibility. Bottom line is that it's either you or him - not the step parents who get to decide where she lives. Is your dd allowed to pick and choose where to live? If so, you need to consider this and act out of love and concern for your dd's well being and not out of anger and hurt. I know that is easier said than done.

When my 17dd was 14 she said she was going to go live with her dad. I told her very calmly that she is my job until she is 18 and I take my job very seriously. I added that when she's 18 and out of HS she can move where ever she wants but until then, she's mine. She dropped it.

The thing is, you are her parent, and she is a child at 13. At 13 they can be very manipulative and she's just getting started so you better grab the bull by the horns!

Best of luck~

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2007
Fri, 05-04-2007 - 8:14pm
I would not have a problem at all with DD being close with stepmom. My problem is stepmom and exh want me out of the picture. They have made this VERY clear over the years. They have sued me for custody twice because they feel like she is a better mother than me. They have lost both times (obviously) because they had absolutely no case. Exh is an extremely spoiled little boy and will make me pay for the rest of my life for divorcing him. In his eyes, he is perfect and shame on me for rejecting him. {sigh} Stepmom has gone so far as to claim she is me with insurance companies and doctors and such to say that she is my daughter's mother. My problem with communicating directly with my exh is that he will not communicate with me without stepmom. And then he lies and says he "doesn't remember" a conversation that we had before. He is a very controlling and manipulative person. Anyway, since I found out yesterday that my daughter was paid to go live with her dad, I am going to let her lie in the bed she made. If money is more important to her than me and the two sisters she has with me, then she needs to learn a hard lesson.
Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 05-05-2007 - 12:05am

Hugs, wavecrewser - that explains things a lot better.

I don't know what the right answer here is. Do you have sole custody or is it a joint custody order? If it's sole custody, you can take legal action agains exh and sm for their actions with dd. I don't know how badly mired you want to get in legal actions however - it can get ugly and only make things worse.

Is your dd going to be terribly bad off by being with them? And will they go for the other girls or is this exh's only dd? Ugh - my exh is such a worm that I could've squashed him like a bug if he ever tried anything like this with me. That doesn't sound like the case with your exh - he has money and backing. I will keep you in my thoughts for a healthy outcome. In the meantime, be sure to focus on your other dds' - they need you too, and be gentle with yourself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2007
Sat, 05-05-2007 - 9:32am
Thank you heartsandroses....your reply brought tears to my eyes. Exh and I have joint custody. Since my last reply my DD sent me a nasty email telling me all sorts of great stuff about her dad and asking where his child support money goes. I also got a phone call from her. I can tell she is playing games, so I called Exh and set up to meet just me and him and our DD. So, we will see what happens. Wish me luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-24-2006
Sun, 05-06-2007 - 5:58am

You and your DH have split up over this? If that's so, I am very sorry. Kids can be a real stressor on a marriage. And I don't blame you one iota for not telling your daughter.

Sorry,
zz

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