Overprotective - Again

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-25-2007
Overprotective - Again
16
Thu, 05-03-2007 - 5:13pm

This board has been so helpful the last few weeks. DD14 has a bad case of full blown "teen-hood". I've realized I'm a pretty controlling parent, tried to stick by the rules we created when she turned 13 and have found (from being here) we can change the rules as we go along.

So my question -

At what age did your kids start meeting the opposite sex at the movies?

Tomorrow night DD and her girlfriend are going to the movies. DD's bf will be meeting her there and her friend has another friend meeting them there too. At 14 does this seem age appropriate? DD will be 15 in a month, her friend has already turned 15.

For some reason I'm feeling very apprehensive about this. I've spoken to the other mom, she's going to be taking the girls and picking them up. And she seems ok with it. I'm not sure if my feelings are coming from not wanting to let go, feeling like she's too young for this sort of thing or just being controlling. She's never given me a reason not to trust her.

DD's a nice girl. This is her first boyfriend, who is her "soul-mate" and tells me they are going to get married when she turns 20. I smile and say, that's great dear, knowing the chances of this happening are probably slim. We like this young man, our main concern with him is the difference in age. He's 17.

I'd appreciate comments and thoughts from some of you who have already been down this road. Oy, I think I need someone to hold my hand for the next 4 years!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Thu, 05-03-2007 - 5:29pm
IMHO, more than 2 years is a bit much of an age difference at this age, but if he's a nice young man, and is willing to live by the greater restrictions your DD will have because of her age, ok. My DD has been meeting boys at the movies with her g/fs since she was in the end of 8th grade, I would guess she was a couple of months short of 14 at the time - she's young for her grade, almost the youngest one in the class. It's hard to let go and let her have some freedoms, especially if this is your first teen - but that's part of what these years are all about, giving them gradual freedom so that in 4 years when your DD goes away to college and has total freedom and lack of supervision, she is able to handle it wisely. Hang in there - I'm speaking from the perspective of having my "baby" be 16 in 2 months, and my oldest is 22 1/2... it does get easier as time goes on!
Rose
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-25-2007
Thu, 05-03-2007 - 6:12pm
Thanks for the reply Rose. He is a nice young man from what we've seen of him. DD is limited right now with him coming over here where we can keep an eye on things. So meeting him at the movies is "letting out a little more rope" so to speak.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-14-2006
Fri, 05-04-2007 - 6:41am

My DD (16 in two months) has had a little more freedom, but certainly was going to movies with friends in 8th grade.

I see this as not just "changing the rules" but teaching your DD to deal with gradually increasing freedom. Tell her that she *is* getting more freedom, but that more freedom also comes with more responsibility. And, as she shows you she can be responsible, she can have more freedom. IMHO, that's how we grow our teens into adults.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2005
Fri, 05-04-2007 - 7:19am

My first thought is that she is too young to be dating anyone. Even my son won't be allowed to "date" until at least 16 and then we will be encouraging the concept of courtship rather than dating.

My second thought is that this a 14 year old with a 17 year old boyfriend. In the adult world three years isn't that big a deal but in the teen years it is. To give some perspective... my son will still be 17 when he starts college. I seriously would wonder what a 17 year old had in common with a 14 year old and I would be greatly concerned if my son, at 17, came and told that his girlfriend was only 14 years old.

Her comment reguarding him being her "soul Mate" would also concern me. As a parent, if my teenager (no matter what the age) told me that they had found their "Soul Mate", I would suspect that her perspective reguarding relationships needed to be examined.

I don't think you are being overprotective. Trust your instincts.

JMO
stacy

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-25-2007
Fri, 05-04-2007 - 8:24am

Thanks for all your comments. I think my hesitation comes from wanting to micromanage everything. And letting go is difficult. DD and I have always been close and I've heard her tell her friends, I tell my mom everything. But, as she's getting older I'm feeling her pull away from me. I know this is normal, but part of me really misses the time we used to spend together. Now she wants to devote all her time to her friends.

She is not my only child. I have a son who is 21 1/2. So, I've been through the teen years before. But, he did not date in high school. He has always been very laid back and pretty much did what we told him to do. In hind sight, he was a breeze to raise!

I talked to DD last night, about who was going to the movies, etc. She said her girlfriend, a friend of hers who is a boy (that she "likes"), several friends from their school, my DD and DD bf. I asked her if they were all going to sit together and she looked at me like I had 3 heads. "Well, Yeah, why wouldn't we?".

The age difference does bother me and we keep close tabs on them when they are here. BF dropped by last night with one of his friends and they cracked me up watching them play DanceDanceR.

I used the word Soul Mate loosely. Those were my words, not DD. When we were talking the first of the week and she was telling me their plans to marry when she turns 20, she made the comment, "who knows if we'll even be together by then". So she knows lots of things can happen over time. BF has started working a part time job and DD will start a part time job this summer. I know this will expose her to new things and new people. she'll be working for friends of ours and along side her brother, their influence will be a positive thing.

I'll talk to her some more this afternoon when she gets home from school. I like the thought of being up front and telling her we are trusting her with this freedom and as luv_I_S said with the freedom comes more responsibility.

Thanks again everyone!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 05-04-2007 - 11:00am

In reply to the 1st poster, my DD did meet friends who were boys at the movies when she was in 8th grade, but these were boys in her class. She hasn't really had a boyfriend yet and she's 18, but a lot of her friends had boyfriends way back in 8th grade. I guess I would be nervous about the age diff. but it's really hard to forbid them from seeing each other totally if they go to the same school. It's better to have him come to the house where you can keep an eye on him. If he's told that you think your DD is too young to go out on real dates alone w/ a boy (and I assume he can drive, which is where all the trouble starts) and he's still willing to come to your house just to see her, then he must really like her.

I have to ask ma2connor, what is the diff. between courtship & dating?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Fri, 05-04-2007 - 1:24pm
I think you mentioned that your DD is soon to turn 15, am I right? So she's an "old" 14. How long ago did this boy turn 17? The reason I ask is because "old 14 and young 17" is a different story agewise than "young 14 and almost 18." Last year my DD liked a boy who was a junior, she was a freshman... whe was an old 14 at the time (just a couple of months from her 15th bday) and he'd just turned 17, so in reality there was just over 2 years between them, even though when people heard 14 and 17, they were thinking 3 yrs or maybe a little more between them... and at this age, those months can make a big difference in maturity.
Rose
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-25-2007
Fri, 05-04-2007 - 4:48pm

I looked at this boys MySpace page this afternoon. Not sure when his birthday is; I'll ask DD when she comes in from school. I know by his astrology sign that it's between August and October. So that makes him a mid 17 year old to my DD old 14 years. Rose, you're right, months do make a difference. Wow, what a change in her since this time last year. :)

DH and I will talk to her this afternoon before we take her to her friends house regarding the more responsibility, more freedom thing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2010
Fri, 05-04-2007 - 5:41pm

I just wanted to add that 14 and 17 really are not all that different. I met my BF in June of 1998 when I was 14 turning 15 in July and he was 18 turning 19 in September. I was finishing freshmen year and he just finished high school.

We did the same things and liked the same things. We liked the same video games, we watched the same TV shows and movies. We both loved animals. He liked the same things a guy that was 15 would like. I knew at 15 we would be married someday. We started dating because we liked the same things and we ended up being very similar. We both have the same core values that gave our relationship a solid place to stand on as well as activities we enjoy doing together.

We dated all through me being in high school, were engaged the September after I finished and then went to college together at the same time. In July we will be married a year and together for 9.

Age really is only a number to a certain point.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
Fri, 05-04-2007 - 7:31pm
Chiming in late here.
Pam

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