Help I'm Sinking Fast!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2007
Help I'm Sinking Fast!
2
Fri, 05-04-2007 - 9:21am

Hi everyone, I'm new to this board, having been here only about 1/2 an hour at 5:00 a.m. this morning! A bit of a sleepless night and here is a big part of the reason (bear w/me it's a bit lengthy!):

5 days ago my daughter went to take her driver's license test. Her dad and I are in the process of separating and I had to work at the time of the test so he took her to the DMV. She passed the test but they told her that we had miscalculated and she actually had a week to go before her 6 months with a beginners permit were up so she couldn't actually have her license and drive alone until the following Tuesday. She took the test on a Monday. Anyway yesterday, Thursday, my daughter called me right as I was arriving at work and told me that she had taken the car out (by herself)on the day she passed her test and...get this...hit another car!!!!

The only reason she let me know about this is that the driver of the other car had talked to HER insurance company and THEY had asked to talk to me! My daughter says that there had been NO damage to the other car and now they are saying that there is...a bit suspicious don't u think? So, needless to say I am freaking out a bit...and to make it worse my daughter has always had, what I would call, an anger problem of major proportions that is getting worse no doubt because of her dad's and my recent seperation.

So....as I was coming home from work last night I was completely prepared to let her know that she would now not be able to drive on her own for a fairly long time and that actually what she had done could be construed as stealing my car. When I got to our place my daughter had two friends over and when I asked to talk to her she snapped at me and said "wait until my friends aren't here"!...so I asked her to come upstairs and TRIED to tell her what she should hear after being so irresponsible (and dishonest I might add), and she said I was being a terrible mom and that I have been since we moved out of the other house and on and on. She was so angry and saying that I have been yelling at her ever since we moved...and btw this is definitely NOT the case. She was yelling at me and acting like I was her toddler child throughout this entire conversation...

Her dad used to say...when we lived together...that he would never let her do the things that I would because I am such a pushover (which I pretty much am) but since we no longer make decisions together he has taken her to get a facial peircing..on the basis of her telling him I didn't mind...naturally, and apparently told her about this latest incident that he hoped it worked out well for her and that she would still be able to drive...ALSO after a recent tirade of hers as I was trying to explain to her that as long as she is living here she needs to show me some respect she threatened to move in with her dad, called me a terrible mom, said she hated me and she can't stand to live with me because I have been IMPOSSIBLE to live with. I told her that if she hates me that much she COULD go live with him because it IS very difficult to live w/someone who hates you that much. My ex says to HER(and me) a parent should NEVER say that to a child (she's 17..and totally raging I might add)...lucky that is all I said!

Anyway, later on last night..she had 2 girls stay here with her because it was one of the girls birthdays..I had gone to bed and I heard the girls arguing...they got angrier and her friend tried to leave (my daughter had ASKED her to..at 11:30 or so!)...and then when this poor girl tried to leave my daughter blocked the door and actually PUSHED her! I told her to leave her friend alone and get her hands off her and let her go since she told her to and her reasonable friend WANTED to...(her parents were here to pick her up).

My daughter always thinks that everyone else is yelling at her and unfair when SHE is the one doing the yelling! I don't get it. She was actually yelling at me for being disappointed that she had taken my car w/out asking (unlicensed driver at that) and hit another car AND not let me know!!!

Anyway, I understand that divorce is VERY hard on children, and I recently had her start back on some antidepressant meds she has taken in the past..she started about 10 days ago..when do they kick in? She has seen a therapist in the past but it didn't help. I am going to try that again but imagine she may just about kill me when I try to take her there. I don't know what else to do..she actually has me scared...

Somewhere here I know there is some advise for me...please.

Thanks for giving me a place to vent! And thanks in advance for any sage wisdom you can share....I need it like a drowning person needs a lifesaver..DESPERATELY...

sue

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 05-04-2007 - 10:52am

It really sounds like your DD is really going overboard w/ stress, from the separation and who knows what else. Yes, you should def. get her back in counselling, probably w/ another counsellor, if you say that the past one didn't work. BTW, my DH has a history of depression and it can take up to 4 weeks for anti-depressant meds to kick in, and even though she has taken them in the past, she shouldn't be taking them now w/o medical monitoring because the dosage is very tricky and what had worked in the past might not work now, etc.

I got divorced about 10 yrs. ago when my kids were 7 & 1 and it's really difficult, so I feel for you. I didn't really have any issues between my kids & me, but I got remarried almost 4 yrs. ago and they haven't really liked my DH. A couple of years ago, my ex told me that my DS, who was probably 8 or 9 then said he wanted to live w/ his dad because he didn't like my DH. DS didn't tell me this himself. My ex would have been happy to have him (although I don't think his wife, who only has an older child) would have been that thrilled) but because they work unusual hours, it would have been difficult. Anyway, I did let DH know about this problem and told him that if he didn't improve his behavior, he was going to be the one going because I wasn't going to lose my kid over him.

My DD is also 17 (sorry, she just turned 18) and your DD's behavior sounds more troublesome than they typical teen stuff. I do have to say that when she got her license, she wasn't supposed to drive w/ any friends in the car for 6 mos. I'm sure she did that, although I never caught her directly. When she would say that I was the only parent in creation that enforced this stupid rule, I would just ignore her and say that I didn't care what other parents did since she was driving my car, she had to obey the rules. And on top of that I'm a laywer who specializes in car accidents, so I know that if I let her drive my car w/ her friends when she wasn't supposed to and got in an accident, there would be all kinds of problems for me too.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2007
Mon, 05-28-2007 - 1:11pm

I can't believe your message! My 16 yr. old daughter just slammed out the door, as my ex encouraged her to disobey me...I was in tears, and reading your message helped me. I have been divorced for a year, after a bitter, three year separation, and a 3 day trial. It was awful.
My daughter, her twin brother, and 3 yrs older brother suffered terribly, and I have terrible guilt.

However, that does not excuse bad behavior. By giving in, you are teaching your daughter bad things, that I am sure you do not mean to convey. That because you are hurt, rules don't count, and the world owes you a living. Or, at least should excuse you. Baloney.

I hope that you took the car keys away from your daughter; she DID steal your car. I hope that she is working, to pay for damages. Why was she allowed to have friends over, when she should have been grounded? I don't care if it was her friends birthday; and by her behavior, she didn't either. She has a lot going on; I would suggest a divorce support group for her.

Be as strict as you can right now. As her world is changing, she needs the security of boundaries. Stop everything in its tracks; it is easier to put a lid on the screaming and bad behavior now, the pick her up at the police station-something I've done!

Because of my guilt, I let my daughter's behavior deteriorate. Her school work has gotten worse, her behavior has gotten worse. Yesterday, she and her brother got in an argument while he was driving, and she started hitting him, punching him in the face. When they got home, they continued the argument in the house. He left, as scheduled, to go with his dad. She ran after the car,hanging on the side, was almost dragged under the wheels...I forbid her to take the car today,....and she just left in it.

After crying for an hour, I logged in, and read your post. With a heavy heart, I am not going to let my daughter back into my house, without some counseling, and time. I hate her being at her father's, who lets her behave any way she wants, but she cannot conitnue to defy me.

I don't know if any of this helps. Learn from my mistakes, and stop things early. And good luck from another mother's heart.