Mired in disbelief.
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| Fri, 05-04-2007 - 6:23pm |
I'm a mom of a 9 yr old daughter who lives mainly with her father during the school year - at the other end of the state. DH and I have a 2 year old son together. Until recently we also had his 15 year old son living with us. Prior to that we also had his 13 year old living with us. in October 2005 the younger step son's behavior crossed the line for the last time and he got his wish - to go back and live with his mom - who is by the way a total waste of skin. Sorry, but in the 5+ years that DH and I have been together she hasn't held a job or had a place of her own to live. She moves from "friend" to friend, boyfriend to boyfriend taking advantage of anyone and everyone who will take her in.
The YSS went back but OSS wanted to stay with us, or so we thought. This fall we sold our house and moved to a new town - still within an hour of his BM. In February he wanted to spend the weekend with her. Fine, that's good that you want to see mom, we know where she is so no problem. He came home all weepy and upset saying he wants to spend more time with her. DH flat out asked if he wanted to move back with her. Regardless of what a loser she is, we knew we couldn't force him to stay and if he doesn't want to then he'll just become a run away.
OSS says no, he wants to stay with us but just wants to see mom and his siblings more - yes, she has FIVE children from 3 different men, "ours" are the oldest of the 5. The next morning we woke up and he was gone. 5 hours later we confirm he's at mom's.
Reality check time..... do we force him to come back? Nope. Again, we know if we do he'll just take off again. So we make the tough choice like we did with YSS.... pack up his stuff and take it to his mom's.
Now it's going on 3 months later and we find out mom has a warrant for her arrest and he's been in school 1.5 days since he moved back with her. He's been in the ER twice - once because he was HIT BY A CAR!! Did anyone bother to call us and let us know? of course not. And what can we do? Absolutely NOTHING. We've talked with local law enforcement.... oh and by the way... they're "staying" in a hotel now....Yesterday was the first time we've talked to him in over a month and the first time we've seen him since he ran away. We went to the motel and called the room by way of the front desk and asked if he wanted to have lunch with us. Relunctantly he did - it was obvious by his posture and attitude he was only doing it to keep the peace - which is stupid because we
can't do a damn thing.
According to OSS his mom has a boyfriend who's got a place to live but they're at the hotel because mom got some money and wanted to stay at the hotel.... and then there's the OTHER guy who was at the hotel with them, who's "just a friend" of moms. Are you kidding me? My honest opinion? Mom's a prostitute.
At any rate, he said he'd go to school today... I didn't believe him and low and behold he didn't. Finally got ahold of the school resource officer (deputy assigned to the school) and was told that on Monday he'll go "make" OSS go to school and "maybe" even pick mom up on her warrant.
It kills me to see OSS throwing his life away. I'm so scared for him - I am worried that he's going to get involved with the same folks mom's running with and end up in the drug or prostitution scene. Let's not even talk about how I'm certain he's not going to graduate - he's only a freshman and is not passing right now....and why haven't the DA's folks been involved due to his lack of attendance at school? Oh that would be because the school has no employee right now that is responsbile for sending the DA's office notice of the time he's missed.
I am so frustrated. There are no laws that allow parents to protect their children from their children's own stupidity. Even the deputy said he wished it was at least a misdemeanor for the CHILD to do what this kid is doing so that we could get some help. But you can't even physically stop your kid from running away - that can get you arrested!!
What is there that we can do? How can our society and legal system justify letting these kids get washed down the drain because we don't want to upset anyone? How is it right and just and fair that a 15 year old can decide what's in his best interest when he can't even be legally employed to put food on the table or pay rent? Everyone has failed this kid and the two people who would do anyhthing about it are the two people who CAN'T do a damn thing.
I guess I'm just more frustrated than anything. I know we can't do a thing. Even if mom gets arrested and locked up and the kid is brought back to our house he'll just run away again. What MORON made these rules??? When did teenagers become more powerful than their parents and the law? And excuse me but who thought it was a good idea to "protect" kids in this way?
We're not alone. One of our coworkers and dear friends has a 14 year old daughter who's also a habitual run away. She takes prescription drugs from mom's house and disapears for a week or more. The first time she came back and we all thought things were getting better... Then she took off again. No clue where she is now... and I guess that taking the prescription meds from mom isn't illegal either.... and neither was the fact that they (the daughter and her OVER 18 "friend" who's a guy) drank all of the alcohol stashed in mom's closet and the police do nothing.
How can any of this be ok?

((( Hugs ))) I know how you're feeling. SO and I live together - I have 1 daughter age 11. SO has 2 sons 14 and 15 and 1 daughter 12. They all used to live with us and visit the other parents EOW.
OSS has always been a problem. But this school year has been worse then ever. SO would bust him every time he lied or skipped school. OSS lies all the time. Then about 2 weeks ago OSS and SO had an argument about skipping school so OSS went to live with BM.
SO is crushed! I've tried to explain that BM has no rules so OSS can do whatever he wants. Of course OSS (any many teenagers) would chose no rules over chores and accountability. I'm not saying that it's the right choice to make - I'm actually sure that it's a horrible decision for OSS to make. But we can't force a 15 year old to live with us.
BM is somewhat better off than your BM in the fact that she lives in an apartment and has a good job. But BM doesn't make OSS got to school, do his homework, work etc.
It's so sad and frustrating. I'm sorry I don't have any advice for you. But know you are not alone. I hope one day OSS wakes up and realizes that no rules is not the right way to live. But until then I only hope and pray that OSS somehow manages to pass 10th grade, doesn't get anyone pregnant and stays out of jail.
Rose
Rose.....
CPS... well let's see here. When DH first had his sons come to live with us it was after 2 solid years of us being in court about every 4-6 weeks showing yet one more reason that BM was not the right choice. At one point we did call CPS because BM rolled her vehicle and YSS ended up with a broken bone - we called CPS because BM let YSS (who was 9 at that time) make the decision as to his need for medical care. After 2 weeks we called CPS to tell them that she was refusing to obtain necessary medical care for him. Their response was that since our weekend was coming up we could take him. Are you kidding me? That same day we went to his school, spent 2 hours debating the need for medical attention with them and were finally allowed to pull him out of school and take him to a physician. The doctor promptly told us there was indeed a break. It was small and at the growth plate on his thumb but he put it in a cast anyway. We picked him up 3 days later for our weekend with him. Within a week after that weekend visit with us, mom had taken him to the local hospital and had the cast removed - she told the doctor there that the thumb really wasn't broken and they believed her!
What it comes down to - from our experience - and that of friends etc who've dealt with CPS in our area - there has to be a severe danger to the child before they will be removed from that situation. Since BM is technically putting a roof over his head and he has access to clean water and food there is nothing they will do. At one point BM was living in a 5th wheel trailer - her and her 5 kids, her brother and her boyfriend of the week. The kids slept on whatever flat surface they could land on at the end of the day. The brother and boyfriend watched all manner and kind of inappropriate movies and the boys would come to our house for the weekend and have nightmares because of it. There was no running water and no electricity - but did CPS do anything? Nope. The kids missed a full 5th of the school year. Did CPS do anything? Nope.
Perhaps we've come to a point of apathy - we've spent so much time, so much energy and so many plans met with total frustration, not to mention the thousands of dollars spent on legal fees, court time etc, that we are just giving up. I often feel like a dog who's confined to the yard and there's an electric fence around it.... I have pushed that fence and gotten shocked enough that I know better than to waste my time trying to push it again. Both DH and I feel totally useless and feel as though we've failed both of my SS's.
But I keep reminding myself that we aren't to blame for their situation. The boys don't want to live with us and again there is the reality that until this society makes changes to the system which is supposed to protect our children there really isn't a whole lot that we can do except sit on the sidelines watching these kids end up just like BM or worse - and even as I write 'or worse' I have to really think hard about what "worse" would be. I guess dead would be worse.
I appreciate the sympathy. I truly hope that some day, when the boys are gown up they get to take a good hard look at where their lives have brought them and come to the conclusion that Mom didn't EVER put them first. I hope they see that and realize that the choices she made for them weren't the best - even though they made life easy at the time.
Your last paragraph says a lot - my DS HAS seen the light as far as his bio family goes, and has figured out a way to have something of a relationship with them without having to deal with most of their head games - but he's also 22, not 15. What really amazes me is that while he harbors some ill will yet toward his aunt, who raised him from 6-17, he has few if any bad feelings directed toward his BM, who was unbelievably neglectful, much along the line of your SS's BM, though she told him she "didn't want to be a mother anymore" when he was 5, and walked away, never to be seen again until he was 19. He actually DEFENDS his BF, who is a paranoid schizophrenic drug addict who prostituted his 5 y/o DS and 6 y/o DD to get drugs and drug money. Though he really has no relationship to speak of with either of his bio parents, other than the one his aunt forces on him with her brother, his BF. CPS had a HUGE case file on both of those gene donors, and the kids were in and out of the home all the time (mostly out), when CPS could track them down. Unfortunately, his BP usually did just enough to get the kids back, only to go back to their old ways and have them removed in a few months. And you know the sad thing about all that - there are 4 kids in that family, and our DS is the one who comes the closest to "normal" relationships, and he has an unbelievable insecurity when it comes to trust issues, especially trusting the permanence of a relationship. It took probably 3 years for us to get it in his head that we weren't going to kick him out, and we weren't leaving his life - and when he finally believed that, he took off for the USMC. Go figure.
I agree, the system really needs to change, and the best interests of the child needs to consistently supersceede the "property rights" that parents seem to have over them. But as I said, some systems definitely work better than others... and DFS is lucky that we have one that works reasonably well.
So the latest.....
OSS rann away from our friend's house last night. This was after all outward signs and what he was saying indicated that he did want to stay and would actively participate in getting back in school.
What a fabulous way to end Mother's Day huh?
Today we learned from a 3rd party that he called Mom this morning and she and her fabulous boyfriend are planning on stealing a rental truck and coming to pick him up from where ever it is that he's hiding out at.
We also have been told that his girlfriend - which we didn't know he had - MIGHT be pregnant... oh yes, we're in a great place with this one.
And still no news from the probation office about what's going to happen with his court stuff....
and get this - here is a PERFECT example of his mother's logic -
she called DH last week and proceeds to tell him "don't you ever think about what HE wants?" referring to OSS.....
DH says, "yeah, I did. And I had to pick him up from JAIL."
and apparently this morning she was at the welfare office taking a class to learn how to get more money.... my tax dollars at work LOL.
At this time we're waiting... waiting to see what happens with the stolen ATV, waiting to see if he ends up hurt more than he already was....waiting for something, anything, to happen to give him a wake up call and I'm not overly optimistic that it's going to happen......
Don't get me started!