Big deal or no?

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Big deal or no?
10
Tue, 05-08-2007 - 12:13pm

DD has always been an extremely social child - she was always on the phone with this friend or that one. She was always the one that friends came to for advice. She always had friends over. She was always invited to things.

Since she started dating J almost 9 months ago all of that has gradually changed. It's not his doing in a controlling manner, this much I know. I think most of it changed when she was sick for the nearly 2 months and J was pretty much her only outside contact. Other things that contribute are:

1. She has a jealous personality which has pretty much made every female, other than her 4 best friends, the enemy. She says it's not so much her jealousy that keeps her away from other girls, it's their cattiness and drama that keeps her away;

2. She still has many acquaintances, mostly sophomores even though she is a freshman (J is a sophomore);

3. She doesn't even spend much time with her 4 best friends. At this point, these best friends are in name only. 2 of them are in relationships nearly as long as dd's and are just as consumed with their bfs. The other 2, I think have given up on dd spending time with them. DD swears she tries to make plans with the four, but they all already have plans - the 2 w/out bf's always assume dd has plans with J;

4. She is busy with school and sports. She has lax 6 days a week. Yesterday, she had practice from 2:30 - 4:30 and then she had team dinner from 5-8, homework until 9, phone with J until 10. Today she has a game, which means she will hang out at the school with acquaintances until the bus leaves at 3:45, the game is at 5:30, she'll end up getting home about 8, homework until 9, phone with J until 10. They usually have 2 games a week. If J has game and dd doesn't, dd stays after her practice to watch his game (with acquaintances)... etc etc;

5. In my eyes, she has become somewhat of a "snob" - she says she's not, but when I point things out, she refers back to the catty/drama ridden girls;

6. When she is invited to things now, it's never her individually that is invited - it's her and J.

I can state with certainty that it's not J controlling her or keeping her from her friends. Thinking back, I seriously think things got like this when she had the mono - kinda outta site out of mind type deal. I keep trying to gently remind her that friends are very important. Even her 4 best friends she won't see or talk to for days/weeks (their school is huge). Although she misses spending time with her friends, she doesn't seem too worried about it. I think the only time it becomes an issue in her mind is the few times when J has plans that don't include her, then it's a mad rush to try and find something to do and of course no one is available. DD has never been a planner and always does things spur of the moment.

Is this change normal? Should I be happy that she is staying out of all the drama with the girls, well I guess that goes without saying cuz boy is there drama at this school. Is she maturing or just so wrapped up in J that nothing else matters?




iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
In reply to: kel7col4
Tue, 05-08-2007 - 1:16pm
I really don't care for these attached at the hip relationships among young teens.
Pam
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Registered: 10-16-1999
In reply to: kel7col4
Tue, 05-08-2007 - 1:32pm
It sounds like your DD is incredibly busy, which by itself, without a b/f makes it hard to keep contact with girlfriends. I guess I'd be concerned if DD excludes her friends, but if they're doing things with the g/fs and their b/fs on occasion I wouldn't worry. My DD went thru a phase when she pretty much quit hanging out with her best friend when she first started dating T, but it only lasted for a short time, and pretty soon the three of them started doing a lot of things together - and eventually S started dating one of T's good friends, and another one of N's friends started dating another of T's friends - so most everything (including prom) has become a 6-some. I'm happier with this situation than when everything was just N & T. Could your DD do something along those lines once in awhile?
Rose
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Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: kel7col4
Tue, 05-08-2007 - 1:43pm
Thanks Pam, that is exactly what I am worried about "the inevitable." One of her 2 single bf's can't stand dd's bf and those 2 had it out recently - well she went off on him. This was during a "troubled" time in the relationship I think this has resulted in the drift in the girls, not on dd's part, but definitely in the other girl's feelings. In all actuality, with both of them in sports, she spends very little time with him during the week now (hence the reason she was going to quit lax awhile back, then she came to her senses). I try encouraging her friendship w/ the 4 girls, because for the most part they are all good girls. All of her acquaintances from the lax team are all partiers - I definitely don't want to encourage that. Her old close friends are all partiers too. So these 4 are pretty much it :( And that is exactly it, well with the 2 single best friends - I think they are sick of her only being available when there are rocky times and in being left out.



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Registered: 04-30-2000
In reply to: kel7col4
Tue, 05-08-2007 - 1:48pm

Hi!

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Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: kel7col4
Tue, 05-08-2007 - 2:07pm

Thanks Rose, this is true that she is busy. The 2 friends that are in relationships are dating friends of J's. One of them is dating J's very best friend and they do do things as a group occasionally. Like this weekend the 4 of them are going to a local bball game together for dd's bday. I'd say about once a month it's the 4 of them. The other best friend is in a relationship with a good friend of J's brother (btw dd considers both of these guys her best friends as well) - but that relationship is extremely sexual. According to dd, when that couple is together all they do is get intimate. This couple broke up for about a month and the girl turned to drinking a lot - so while I love that girl to death, them going out as a foursome doesn't intrigue me. One of the single best friends keeps asking dd to set her up with J's friends, but none of the friends are interested. The other single friend, dated one of J's friends for about a week, then she hung out with J's brother and they started to like each other. She broke up with the friend and then things fizzled out with the brother. This is the girl that I just posted to Pam kinda tried to start problems with dd and J a couple of weeks ago.

Ha when I think of it, all 5 girls tend to be snobby - the 3 in relationships are almost identical in their personalities. The 2 single girls can be quite witchy.

DD is the only girl out of all the girls involved in sports right now. Three of them are cheerleaders with dd and the 4th is a dancer.

J is trying to help me arrange a girls night this weekend for dd's bday. I don't know if it will happen or not. The one single girl I don't think will come. And the one in the extremely sexual relationship, works. When she doesn't work she is with her boyfriend. J was going to "kidnap" the boyfriend if she was off this weekend so it could be just the girls. He originally wanted it to be all of them. Him, dd, her best friends, and the boyfriends of the 2 girls. I couldn't handle that concept as I didn't want to have to pry the sexual ones off of each other LOL and I didn't think the 2 singles ones would go for that. So he came up with - kidnapping both guys and keeping it strictly girls night. No phones no nothing....

While I like it when the foursome hangs out (J, his best friend, dd and her best friend) I wish she had more girl friend time. Usually when they have the group dates the girls sleepover here that night and the guys stay at J's. And of course they have their good night phone calls with the boy friends....blah....

Oh and recently they were supposed to go on a double date with another of J's good friends and his gf from another school. They all hung out together at the Aids Ball they all attended and the girls hit it off - they both play lax. Unfortunately, J and both girls had games that night so they had to postpone it :(

I guess all in all, they are trying - just not enough hours in the day?




Avatar for kel7col4
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Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: kel7col4
Tue, 05-08-2007 - 2:35pm

LOL my dd has that type of relationship with J's family too - they absolutely adore her. His mom would call her often when she was sick. On Easter, dd was supposed to go with them to Church and then go to J's grandparents house. Dd had to change plans at the last second (our family stopped in unexpectedly and slowed her progress lol) and sure enough it was J's mom that called her begging her to go. When dd couldn't go to J's family bday party, his mom called her to see when she was free to reschedule it lol. His mom skips his baseball games to watch her at her lax games - it's really cute. I think dd is the dd that J's mom never had! They've gone shopping together and have even talked about taking up a craft together.

Anyways, I know in her way, dd has tried to make plans with the friends, she's just a last minute girl. One of her best friends is just like the friend your dd has/had. Really clingy and attached to the boyfriend. She seriously does nothing without the boyfriend. Truth be told, other than the girl dating J's best friend, it's the other girls that have cut off dd. The hostile single one and the "joined at the hip" taken one. The other single girl has tried and there has been some success. These 2 usually take tumbling together, but dd has taken a break from that until lax is over, so maybe when they start that up again (and lax ends) there will be hope.

It's actually pretty rare that J makes plans without dd - about once a month. The only thing he would mind about would be if she made plans with all the acquaintance partiers and other than the 4 best friends, that is all that is left lol.

I know for a fact she tried to make plans with the hostile, single friend last night on aim - she got blown off completely...so idk DD has no clue all the plans we have for her this weekend and I'm keeping my fingers crossed that J and I are able to pull off this girls night, but I'm not going to hold my breath :(

eta: I say basically the same thing about girls not being forgiving when it ends. J has the luxury of all of his friends are also his brother's friends. So the guys are always at J's house every weekend even when dd and J are together most of the days. I keep pointing out that he will always have his friends to fall back on - she at this rate won't have that luxury.

Also - whenever there is a problem or bump in the road with her and J - the 2 single girls immediately want her to dump him and the 2 taken girls push her to work through it. So - if anything does ever happen, the 2 single girls are going to be in "I told ya so" mode and the 2 taken girls are going to try and push them together.
Arghhhh




Edited 5/8/2007 2:53 pm ET by kel7col4



iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
In reply to: kel7col4
Tue, 05-08-2007 - 5:07pm

I think these "joined at the hip" relationships are easier on the guys when the breakup comes than they are on the girls. My DS married his "joined at the hip to the exclusion of others" g/f, but they broke up a couple of times before they got that far, and it seemed like she was more at a loss than he was - coz his guy friends welcomed him back into the fold very quickly, while I think she experienced more what Pam experienced. N & T were pretty joined at the hip for awhile, to the exclusion of others, but in the past 4-5 months they've been much more open to spending time with each other's friends, with other couples as a 4- or 6-some, and having "just the girls or guys" days too. They still spend a whole lot of time together, but I don't get that feeling of excluding others like I once did.

Rose

Avatar for kel7col4
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Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: kel7col4
Tue, 05-08-2007 - 6:55pm

Sadly they aren't joined at the hip though lol - it ends up looking like it because, well no other plans pan out for dd and she has tried - I think she is giving up though. They do spend a lot of time with other people, together, but it's dd's lack of alone time w/ her gf's that bothers me. I guess she needs to extend her circle of friends, which I had talked to her about, but I don't see that happening. From Christmas until the end of dd's sickness (beginning of March?) they most definitely were joined at the hip. If she wasn't in school - he would come over just about every day. I guess they are kinda joined at the hip, but I don't think it's by choice - it's lack of other options? The 2 gf's with boyfriends are most definitely joined at the hip. And the 2 bf's w/out the boyfriends most definitely have their noses out of joint, understandably.

She will be working this summer, plus going back to tumbling - this will either help or hurt lol!!




iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: kel7col4
Wed, 05-09-2007 - 3:27pm

I was going to say that this is her mistake to make, and a mom can give advice but that is all.

However, if your DD is still only 15, then my answer might be different. How old is she?

Avatar for kel7col4
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Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: kel7col4
Wed, 05-09-2007 - 4:27pm
She's 15 - ha so let 'er rip!!