rape and incest in the family

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2007
rape and incest in the family
19
Fri, 05-11-2007 - 1:12pm

Hi new here. my name is dusty i am a proud parent of 4- boys and half pint on her way My anger began on march 1st 2007 when i walked in a caught my 13 teen yearold raping my 4 yearold boy .i became very outraged and instead of hitting i called the cops and had him arrested. for 21 days he was out of my home.in a detention center .when he was realesed he had to come back home if not i would get arrested for abandoment.. It has been very hard.
Then he couldnot deal with my anger. so he used this excuse that he was going to kill himself. i saw opp. to get him out of my home again. but before i could take him to the crisis center to have him baker acted. the kids had a doctor app. i needed to take my 7 yearold this day because of school. in thearpy with my 4 yearold he blurrted out that he was also forced to do certian acts on my 13 y old. the doctor called in another report. instead of arresting him the cops baker acted him.. he was baker acted for 8- days a normal baker act is 72 hours. my 13 y old was playing a game now. he knew he was going to be arrested when realesed. so he played the game..for 8 days. on the 8th day he was realesed not even 45 minutes later at my house the detictives where there questing him. he finally coped out and told the truth. he was arrested again this time 6 counts aggervi. battery. he went again for 21 more days for sure this time i knew they where not going to place him back in the home with the younger kids.But they did and they dropped the charges because they put pressure on my 4 and 7 y old to talk. they did not talk and charges are dropped this time around . but he does have 1 year of probation. and a lot of mental abuse counsling and pre preator counsling. my younger chldren are also in counsling.i am also.
but i need advise from people who are dealing with this ordeal i am so mad and ticked off at my 13 yold i can not stand to be around him give him anything. do for him nothing its like i died on the inside for this child i feel nothing for him.and i am scared of what this is doing to him and to me.i am not a hateful or judgemental person but i am doing it now and i am scared.
so what i am thinking of doing is trying to get a support group going in tampa florida for parents that are living my living hell right now.what do you all think and what should i do i am so mad i am boiling on the inside at my child. please help me with any suggestions and believe me i have done alot of home work and gotten alot of help out here but nothing does any good for him..

thank you.
mother in pain..

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Avatar for coldfingers
Community Leader
Registered: 04-30-2000
Fri, 05-11-2007 - 2:31pm

Dusty, I wish I could reach through this computer with a hug...

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2003
Fri, 05-11-2007 - 3:32pm
Has it occurred to you that your oldest child was most likely abused himself? That is not an excuse for what he has done but I would be outraged if no one has brought this up. Over sexualized children are 99% of the time made that way, not born that way. I would be very concerned for all your children.
Emily
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2007
Fri, 05-11-2007 - 4:10pm
yes that has been the thought and we have discussed it.at 1st he was saying he was raped and there where just to many holes in his story and it was not making any since at all.then he also said he was in prostution in mexicohe was 7 or 8 yearsold. he finnally broke down and said he lied he was geeting alot of attention with what he was saying and know his story is that he was almost raped. ther it is just to hard for me to believe any more i have faith but it is gone in this child this is a game and there is no remorse on his part and i think thats what hurts more..
thanks
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Fri, 05-11-2007 - 7:11pm

Hugs to you! I can't imagine the hell you are living in, I don't even come close to having btdt experience here.

I do have some thoughts though... the fact that your 13 y/o thinks this is all a game of sorts, and he has no remorse really, really scares me. ALOT!! There has to be a way to get him out of your home, for the safety of your younger children... have you told your counselor how you feel about this child now? maybe he/she has some ideas for resources for you... in our area, I believe if you told CPS that you are incapable of parenting this child because of what he's done to the younger kids, and you fear for the safety of the younger kids, you could get him placed in a group home or foster care - though that isn't always the best option either, but at least it would protect your younger kids from him. The fact that he has no remorse makes me think that he is at serious risk of doing the same thing again, no matter how "fool proof" your safety plan is. This kid almost sounds like a sociopath in the making, and he very badly needs help.

I agree, for him to be acting out like this at 13, he almost had to have been abused at some point in time - but he may not remember it. My DFS was abused terribly when he was 4 & 5 years old, but remembers none of it - in fact, in his memory, life starts at about 6 y/o. So just because your DS can't tell you what happened to him, that doesn't mean that nothing happened.
Rose

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2007
Fri, 05-11-2007 - 8:24pm
You are in my thoughts and Prayers Dusty....Hope you find a local group in your area to help and support you in this matter!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
Fri, 05-11-2007 - 10:14pm

I don't have any btdt advice but I agree with rose - there must be some way to get him out of the house and get him the help he needs.

Pam
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2007
Fri, 05-11-2007 - 11:21pm

Hi,

I do know how you are feeling some what, and I think you need to do what's best for
your younger children, it's a hard decision but one you will most likely have to make.

We went through a similar situation 8 yrs ago, but it was girls, our oldest had
suddenly started acting out, and we learned that she'd been "Grooming" our 5 yr.
'getting her ready for sexual abuse', as the child protective people called it.

They took her out of the home to investigate, when she was gone we couldn't believe what we learned; she'd been rubbing, petting 'all over' etc. our 5 yr. old. They put
A. in foster care for about 2 months, no charges were brought up, she was given a counselor and allowed visits with us, not her sisters.

Then the sleazy child protective services CPS, case manager started coming to my work telling me that they were bringing A. home he'd do this on a Friday, telling me that he was going to dump her on my porch that eve. NOW our concern was that she'd come home and abuse her lil sister more extensively. With her doctor and counselor telling us this was highly likely.

And within the first 2 weeks of A. being out of the home we saw our younger girls BLOOM, and only then realized how repressed they'd been due to A.'s antics and aggreesions on them. This was a horrible guilt on me, a mom who's supposed to protect her kids, but
how to you handle doing that when it's our child doing the abuse??? This I learned over time.

That sleazey man pushed me for 2 more months to take A. home, I refused and finally requested the court give me an attorney, we had to go to court at 3 month intervals, he
gathered info. from the doctor and counselor, and foster home, and the judge deemed it was not in the best intrest of our younger girls to have her come home, that they would not be safe.

THIS WAS VERY HARD FOR ME, a mom having to choose between children, BUT we had to protect
the little ones, and A. needed help that we couldn't give her. SO she stayed in Foster care until she was 18yr. our relationship is strained and her 2 sisters have not decided that they want to see her, one is 21 now, the other 15, A is 24yrs.

It took me a long time to realize that I was doing the only thing I could, If A. came home, I couldn't in good conscience let the others stay, and they were young and innocent in it all....

Hang in there, and find out what YOUR rights are and what your younger kids rights are as well. And I learned over time, that if one door shuts on you, try another as long as you know what you want it right you will find that door.... Lori

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2007
Sat, 05-12-2007 - 5:10pm
thank you all for trying to help me and wanting to try and take this dreadful journey with me .i live in tampa florida and the sytem here sucks.. big time they do not have a facilty down here for kids like mine so they6 just keep throwing them back in the home because you are the mother. he has raped 2 kids and tried to kill them and me and here he still is. every body tells me he needs residential treatment needs tobe in a facility . so why dont they get him in 1 waiting list is a year long and you have to qualify he does not quailfy by the state because he dont have enough points or quota.
cps cops doctors etc are all involed but with legeslator hands or tied and 1 kid fall threw the cracks and the other 2 remain victims the rest of there lives. there is no where to turn the door slams in ur face. theres no where to look because everyone wants to turn a blind eye to rape and incest i cant these people courts and doctors have not the slighteseet idea what it is to be raped let alone by a brother. i thought the gov was suppose to care about our kids . my world has been rocked real hard right now.
do not get me wrong i love my 13y/o but he has crossed to the other side the side where i can not bring him back just for the pain he has caused the family...
talk shows i have called and emailed montel willams, dr phil, kieth elblow to try and get this story out and to also help the other people out there who are afraid to talk about what has happened in there faMILY.
i know a family is sacred and you are not suppose to share ur secrets with the world. but this is one secret that just can not be keep i think its time we the world deal with it.i suffred in my generation from rape and incest. and the generation before that. i have to be the generation to break this circle of silience and get it out to the world so we can get the proper help that we need to deal with this.
i have evn tried my local news they did want to do the story but when it came to brass nickles they chickened out i need to get out there and have a voice.
so thank you to all who have responded to my cry for help i apperciate it and i read everyones letters all of you who are suffring with me hang in there we will be ok
thank you to all you all have warmed my hearts and also all of you are in my prayers as well
thank you
dusty salas
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-24-2006
Sat, 05-12-2007 - 9:02pm

Since you put your name out here, I googled and found your blog about this situation.

I can offer very little... but in Texas, parents can "abandon" their kids to CPS. I know this because 2 years ago my son needed more help than I could give him, and everywhere I turned I ran into roadblocks.

"Abandoning" your child is not easy (and thank goodness I never had to go that route), but in your situation it might be best. Especially since your son is showing no signs of remorse or guilt over what he's done.

Good luck,
zz

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2007
Tue, 05-15-2007 - 10:42pm

Hi again

Well I am shocked, it seems to me that any system in any state should be focusing on your
young children and trying to prevent them from further rape and abuse even if it is from a brother. What will they do when your son goes further than he has? They should be liable for what ever he does from this point on.

Maybe you need to turn the tables and seek protection and justice for your younger children, wouldn't a school counselor or CPS official do something if a parent were
abusing a child???? 13 is old enough to know better.

DON'T STOP TRYING, KEEP TURNING STONES AND KNOCKING ON DOORS UNTIL YOU GET THE HELP YOU ALL NEED!

AND the bottom line here is all the kids need help most of all your 13 yr. old son!!!
Yes he's still a kid but he's doing some very adult things that are wrong, and the system needs to view where will this boy be in 5 years, and what will his victims have suffered
in those next 5 years, and they can prevent it...

Is there any free legal assitance there? Can you file charges against him if you have to?
Also wonder if things will change within the system as he gets older, if he attempted to
kill someone he may do it next time. Then everyone will be up in arms over why the system didn't do anything.

The people that you have dealt with, CPS, counselors etc. should know of somewhere you can turn to get help, are there any camps, ranches etc. for troubled teens?

I know I'd sought help for our daughter long before she got taken out of the home, but we didn't qualify for state assitance but our health insurance didn't cover mental health, and we couldn't afford it, at 100.00 a week!

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