Potential loser boyfriend - what to do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2007
Potential loser boyfriend - what to do?
15
Wed, 05-16-2007 - 2:59pm

Hi,

Warning: Long!

First, some caveats: I'm out here in California and used to post to this board under the moniker "Mary1kid", so want to say "hi, again" to everyone that's been posting since those days - especially jjillsmom, the moderator. I feel bad because just due to general busyness and "life", I've only posted once in the last year or so and hope to make a commitment to get back on here regularly, especially since my one and only daughter will be going off to college this year and I plan to also join the "Parents of College Students" board. I felt an explanation was needed since rejoining sort of felt like trying to rekindle a friendship I'd neglected.

Anyway, my DD will be off to college in the Fall, but fortunately for DH and I will only be about one and a half hours away. I feel really blessed because she has had a very successful high school experience and was able to get into one of our state's top universities which also happened to be her dream school. I just mention this because its pertinent to my question, not to blow the family horn, LOL.

Now, DD has known "S" for a little over a year. She goes to a girls' HS and he went (graduated '06)to their brother school. Their friendship began at a joint school activity and has continued since. He went off to a university in Hawaii last Fall and basically spent his first year smoking weed in his dorm room and getting lackluster grades. They were never an item when he was still here, but he liked her and was constantly text messaging and calling her all year. Meantime, here back home he also had some on and off girlfriend from another HS that he had a full monty sexual relationship with.

Nothing "happened" between him and DD at all, but DD tearfully confessed to me about a month ago that they had been text messaging each other dirty talk (yuck! What is up with that?)and that she felt guilty "in front of God", etc. So after telling her that while she hadn't done anything that damaging, we had a long discussion about setting expectations by what you talk about and how he probably would now expect something to go on between them, so she should put a stop to this. She understood this and told him that she would no longer be subscribing to their private 900 number (LOL - though I probably shouldn't be) and he was fine with it, laid back stoner that he is.

Well now the chickens have come home to roost. He's home for the summer and talking to her constantly. From what I've pieced together this is one of those dangerous "chemistry" situations where they are wildly attracted to each other. He's definitely indicated this to her and basically told her he would like to "have a relationship" with her. This scares me to death to the point where I don't even want her to see this guy in a group with their mutual friends. DH and I had one of those "chemistry" relationships and I know that in college we would have gotten a lot more studying done if it hadn't been for that.

Moreover, this guy just doesn't seem to care about his future at all. Life is just one big bong pipe and party. DD worked her butt off all of HS to get into this university and I guess I just hope that her first boyfriend will be someone with a little more ambition (and less weed)in life than this guy. Thankfully, she has avoided the entire "sex, drugs and rock n roll" aspect of HS these past four years and I hate to see it be a problem this summer.

Since she's turning 18 in a few weeks, what do you think I should do? Also, if you have experience with "loser boyfriends/girlfriends", please let me know what you did.

Thanks in advance.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2007
Wed, 05-16-2007 - 4:24pm

Hi-I too am the mother of an almost 18 year old daughter who's starting college in the fall with a "loser" boyfriend. Unlike your daughter, this is my daughter's second loser boyfriend (the first one is in rehab now-thank God). Like you, I too am, should I say "perplexed" beyond belief why my daughter continues to choose these type of boyfriends over and over again. She too, like your daughter, is a "good girl"; she doesn't sneak around, lie, drink or do drugs...to my knowledge. She and I have a very close relationship until it comes to my "motherly advice" on this boyfriend.

He too, like your daughter's boyfriend, is so undermotivated it's scary. He recently turned 21, which puts a whole new spin on their relationship now that he can get into bars, has tried college (local community college this time) for the third time and stays at jobs, if he's lucky, for a few months..he has even gone for months without a job which means my daughter has paid for everything.

They have dated for over a year, off and on (more off than on lately), and just when I think she has learned her lesson, back she runs into his arms only to be hurt again.

He too drinks and using marijuana openly, trolls the streets till all hours of the morning and lies to my daughter about the littlest things which makes me bang my head against the wall and constantly ask why??? why the bad boys time and again?

He, I'm sure, is the reason why she recently decided to stay at home next year and go to a branch campus of a big university rather than go away to college as planned. I prayed for the day I sent her off to college hoping to maybe put some distance between them and hopefully and end to the relationship.

She has, during "breaks" with him, been asked out by "nice, decent" guys time after time and she seems to find some fault with every one of them.

Maybe your daughter, like mine, thrives on the thrill of dating the "bad boys" since they themselves are such good girls in every other way. I try, and believe me it takes everything in me most days, to stay out of her business and let her, at almost 18, make her own choices and learn to live with them, but, to be honest, it's so hard...so hard.

I want her with someone, if she has to have a boyfriend, who will treat her like a queen.
Personally, though, she is much better off just having alot of "boys" that are just friends. This relationship has taken its toll on her mentally..her grades have suffered, etc.

I think, and hope, that this, for your daughter, will only be a "summer romance" and that since she is going away to college, and he back to Hawaii in the fall, that her eyes will be opened to the really "good guys" that are out there. Good Luck and keep posting...I'll keep checking..."it takes one to know one" and no one can know what its like to be the mother of a teenage daughter "in love".

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
Wed, 05-16-2007 - 5:35pm

Mary - it's so good to 'see' you!!

Pam
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2006
Wed, 05-16-2007 - 5:42pm

Hi and welcome back! You will probably see a lot of familiar faces still hanging around here.

I don't happen to have any btdt advice or experience for you, but wonder if perhaps once your high-achieving DD sees what a real loser this kid is, how different he is from her, doesn't share the same sort of life goals, etc., that she will lose interest. I have a fairly high achieving DD as well, and *right now* it seems like she wouldn't let anybody drag her down or get in the way of achieving her goals. (Of course, the *mom* in me says that, and perhaps I am being rather naive, but we can think that way until proven otherwise, can't we?)

What are your DD's plans for the summer? Does she have enough to do to keep her busy enough that her time with the boy will be limited?

Sorry I don't have much to offer here, but I'm sure others will.

BTW, I'm in California too ... in the San Diego area, how 'bout you?

 

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2007
Wed, 05-16-2007 - 7:43pm

Thanks so much for your insight.

I was also wondering about that "good girl/bad boy" syndrome. I remember reading somewhere how many girls like that are attracted to guys like this.

What I don't get though is the plethora of "bad boys" around! It seems like almost every guy friend of my daughter's has at least smoked dope once and all of them drink. I was recently stunned to find out that my nephews living in a legally enforced prohibition Middle Eastern country are up to this stuff too!

I have found myself wondering where all the motivated and successful businessmen come from since there seem to be so many guys like this. Perhaps they have a lightbulb moment eventually!

I know what you mean about the close relationship until the motherly advice on the guy kicks in. Sometimes DD will tell me every detail about their conversations voluntarily and totally unasked and then other times will totally bite my head off if I even ask about him.

Oh, and I should mention that she has a spare waiting in the wings that is an equal loser. This one, while he spreads himself very thin by working full time and taking a full college course load, never studies (so probably has bad grades)and DD tells me is irritated with his male friends when they don't want to go out and party mid-week. He also has gotten a load of speeding tix and drives a souped-up car with something in it called "Nitrous" that makes it go super fast, so she won't be getting into a car with him if I can help it.

Ugh!

Thanks again for your help.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-16-2007 - 8:51pm

<>

I was going to address this when I came back from my walk and here you are, going in that direction!

I smoked pot in college and I'm pretty darn strait laced-never bumped it up and never used during the week. Dh, who I didnt know in college, used everything but heroin. He stayed in school and attained a Phd. We will celebrate our 25th in July-first marriage for both of us. No drugs here. To my knowledge, no affairs

I think letting loose in college can be a GOOD thing-its a matter of degree, of course. But I would say DH got a lot of bugs out of his system and was more than ready to settle when the time came.

I lived in a large dorm and only 4 girls out of the entire floor didnt drink. Again, matter of degree, but drinking and smoking pot are really, really common. To say any teen or young adult who uses even once is a loser? Well, you are covering a lot of ground with that one, especially this many decades after I attended school!

BTW, hats off to the young man who both works and attends school full time; that is quite an accomplishment.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2007
Wed, 05-16-2007 - 9:38pm

Its so good to see you, too! Yes - I think I first posted on here that long ago. Wow! Time flies way too fast.

I guess sometimes the good kids try to live vicariously through the bad kids in their friendships and their love interests. I keep stressing to DD that when all is said and done her future will be a lot brighter than those who have let these types of kids/habits ensnare them. She showed me an online conversation she had with another loser guy that I think may be her back-up plan (ugh!). It went something like this if my memory serves me well:

DD- So, why do you work so many hours since it makes you too tired to study for your classes.
Loser #2 - Uh - I don't take school too seriously
DD - Oh, I guess you're busy with your job
Loser #2 - Yeah
DD - Oh, I want to work this summer
Loser #2 - Uh, what do you want to do?
DD - Definitely something related to my college major. Maybe an internship.

He is so "dead" compared to my daughter. I can't believe the contrast!

I plan to take your suggestion about discussing his goals and interests. I do think that might make some things "crystal clear".

Thanks again!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2007
Wed, 05-16-2007 - 9:41pm

Hi,

Thanks so much. She will probably do a volunteer internship. The paid ones are already pretty full and she's been so focused on her AP exams and college acceptance stuff that she hasn't really been able to do too much summer planning this year. She is also taking a Calculus "preview" course because the university calculus is notoriously difficult compared with HS calculus. There will be homework.

We are in NorCal near San Jose.

Take care.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2006
Wed, 05-16-2007 - 9:50pm

It must be the whole "bad boy" attraction or possibly opposites attract. My daughter Jade went out with a boy who is 3 years older than her and I could not stand him. He is a little spoiled and has both drank and smoke. I tried to "forbid" the relationship, but that did not work so I had to closely monitor them. Like the jerk he is, he broke up with her after he and she got into a serious car accident. After a few months of nothing and much to my dismay, he has reentered Jade's life and they talk a lot more. She has been talking to the ex a lot and she has been ignoring the good boy that she is dating.

I would say just keep talking to her. I am sure that this relationship will fade out especially since she is going away for college. Good luck and congratulations though.

Natalie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2007
Thu, 05-17-2007 - 7:10am

Hi-got your message and it got me to remembering that a few months ago I posted on IVillage regarding my daughter and this "toxic" boyfriend and someone gave me some advice which really made me think..maybe it will help you too.

They told me, which I needed to hear, that maybe the problem isn't with the boyfriends my daughter chooses, and, like I mentioned, she has had her fair share of losers, but the problem is my daughter herself. Why, though she is such a great kid in every other way, is her self esteem so low that she feels and seeks out only these type of guys.

I tend to believe this person was right in a way. She is such a good friend, to guys as well as girls; generous to a fault, loyal, a good listener...but when it comes to guys she finds the "bad boys" everytime. These guys, no doubt, are a challenge in every sense of the word and she feels like their "savior".

I am in the process of trying the "out of sight out of mind" approach to this boyfriend...
I'm not prying, asking questions, etc. and letting her come to me...I can usually gauge the "temperature" of the relationship by her moods etc. Maybe I'm wishing on a star, but like my mom (a mom of 7...god bless her) told me..the more you buck her the more you're putting her right in his arms..and she's right.

So, for now, I am hoping working on her...getting her self esteem up to the point where she will see him (and all guys his type) for what they are and set her standards so much higher. Maybe college will do this when she meets guys with "goals" in life.

We'll see...much luck to you too!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Thu, 05-17-2007 - 7:11am

Welcome back!! I feel like I'm chiming in late here, but as Pam said, I've seen the good girl/bad boy scenario several times, always with a positive outcome (so far!)

First off, I was a very straight edge girl in high school and college, but I always dated bad boys - they're just so much more exciting that the good boys that my mother always wanted me to date. After college I met yet another bad boy, been married to him for 22 years now, we have 4 kids - and when you get down to it, he's much more conservative and straight edge than I am these days. About a year ago, our then almost 22 y/o DSs were talking with some friends, and a comment was made that only one of their parents had ever smoked weed - and the friends all thought it was me! Never touched the stuff in all my 47 years. They couldn't believe it that DH was the wild partier of the two of us!! These days he much more resembles the conservative workaholic businessman - though no advanced degrees here.

Our DFS S was a big time bad boy for about 4 years in high school, and our DD's b/f T is currently working his way out of his bad boy ways - but while S, at 22 has become pretty much hard core straight edge, T is still working on it. S's DW C (they started dating at 17) was even more straight edge than I was, and DD N is pretty straight herself. I think that in order for the good girls to have a positive influence on their bad boys, they need to have pretty strong personalities, not be easily lead, and be willing to say "you either can date me or you can do your crap, but you can't have both." And they have to mean it, and be willing to back it up with action. I think a lot of times, for one reason or another, when a bad boy drags down a good girl, she isn't willing to stick to her own goals and values and risk the relationship by insisting that he clean up his act if he wants to date her. When S & C started dating, her mother did everything in her power to break them up, and even a month before their wedding 18 months ago, C's mother tearfully told me how S was going to ruin her future, end up in the bottom of the barrel and drag C down with him. This after he'd been pretty much living his own straightlaced lifestyle for 3 years! Aaaarrrggghhh!! So when N & T started dating almost 8 months ago, I took a much different tactic than trying to keep them apart - she and I talked alot about where she wanted to be in life (college is first on her list now) and what she had to do now to get there. We never talked about T as a future influence on her, but I think those talks helped her stay focused on where she wanted to go. T has messed up and gotten high once or twice in the time that they've been together, but not only has N stayed away from that stuff, she's nearly broken up with him both times that he used - both early on in their relationship. Needless to say, T's mom loves the influence that N has had on him - but honestly, it is MUCH harder being the mom of the good girl than it was being the mom of the bad boy!

Hang in there, I hope things work out positively for your DD. Do what you can to keep her focused on her life goals, and try not to bash the looser boyfriend too much. Who knows, he might be a diamond in the rough!
Rose

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