I Don't Think I'll Ever Get It

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2003
I Don't Think I'll Ever Get It
5
Mon, 05-21-2007 - 4:17pm

I've posted on similar issues before like cliques and stuff but more specifically I've been thinking lately about young teenage girls and their propensity to be so mean and hurtful to other girls they don't like for some reason.

So, if I don't like someone, I avoid them, I don't engage in friendly activities with them and try to not get too involved but above all I remain civil. I don't need everyone in the world that I meet to like me and be my friend -- that's too much work. But at the same time I don't need to publicly display my dislike for people by laughing at them, teasing, gossiping about them behind their back, insulting them etc etc. What's the point?

And yet teenage girls are just experts at this sort of behaviour. My almost-16 yo dd has plenty of friends. Most people she meets or know her like her, think she's smart and pretty and friendly and leave it at that. She isn't the most popular girl at school or anything but alot of people know who she is and have nothing bad to say about her really. Except for a few girls....

One just cannot stand my dd and makes it very clear to her in how she talks to my dd, making snide remarks, whispering in other girls ears and making sure my dd understands its about her. My dd has picked up remarks from this girl about how she thinks my dd is unattractive, untalented etc etc... What drives my dd crazy about it is that really my dd wouldn't think twice about this girl at all if this girl wasn't so publicly "hating" my dd.

Then there is another that my dd has known for over 10 years. They are part of a team together and this girl regularly tries to shut my dd out of activities, gives her scowling faces and does the whole pointing, laughing and whispering thing. My dd again is puzzled as this girl has no reason at all to be threatened by my dd. My dd is not the best performer on the team nor is she out to be -- she's just having fun. And yet this girl is always trying to knock her down.

So what is it? I know the theory is these girls are fundamentally insecure but to me that doesn't make it right. I think some girls (who grow up to be the same as women, trust me) are just plain mean and catty...

Avatar for jbgattuso
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2003
Mon, 05-21-2007 - 4:55pm

I wish I had the answer to this!! I will say though, before I had boys, I thought it was only girls...guess what, boys can be just as mean and horrible from about 12 to about 16 17. My oldest spent from about 7th grade till just this year, 10th grade as a kid with friends, just an average kid, but on a weekly if not daily basis, I had to tell him to just ignore some boy who liked to put him down or try to humiliate him. My son really wasn't engaging or asking for any of it. I just think that insecure people have to attack someone else to make themselves feel better. I think the only thing we can do is to keep teaching our kids that these children are the ones with the problems, insecurities etc.. The other thing is that I really believe what you said about them growing up. I do think that mean children often times grow up to mean adults :( Usually I have seen these children and when you look at their parents, (although they may not still whisper and laugh) They are judgemental and gernerally unhappy, and yes even mean to others. Not that my lengthy answer helped you at all....just my 2 cents

Julie

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Mon, 05-21-2007 - 6:37pm
You are so definitely right Julie - these kids often have mean, snide parents. My DD has dealt with one girl in particular for the past year who is just awful to her. And what I don't get, is that DD has it all up on the other girl... N is pretty (others tell me so anyway), has a cute shape (size 8 at 5'8"), gets good grades, has a lot of friends, a sweet b/f, is a cheerleader and involved in a ton of school activities. She's got nice clothes (though not overly expensive ones). The other girl is short, overweight, average looking at best, has yet to make the honor roll, and hangs out with the druggies and "I hate life" crowd. And she's constantly trying to bring N down, and says some of the cruelest things to her. BUT her mother is one of the most negative, snide, critical, two faced people I know. I've known her for 10 years and don't think I've ever seen a genuine smile from her... which leads me to believe this kind of behavior is either genetic or well learned from the cradle. As you can see, I don't care for the mother at all - but I don't go out of my way to let her know that either... I just pretty much avoid her any time we end up in the same place at the same time... and I make sure that isn't very often. IMO it isn't worth the energy expendature to be nasty to her - or to deal with her attitude. Though that's easy for me to say - I don't have to sit behind her in biology class every day, like my DD does with her DD.
Rose
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2007
Mon, 05-21-2007 - 8:11pm

This is exactly the reason my daughters prefer to hang out with boys. Girls are brutal. Could be insecurity, could be jealousy.... could be that they're just plain bad seeds.

They try to build themselves up by putting down other girls by keying on their weaknesses. You mentioned your dd isn't the best at her sport so maybe to this bully that makes her an easy target.

Unfortunately there is no easy answer as to why they do it and sometimes it's even harder to pick up the pieces of the one that is victimized.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 05-22-2007 - 8:32am

I think it's insecurity and from growing up in a critical household. Mom likely grew up in the same critical household and thus parents the same way so yep, the trait goes on for generations

But, I agree, understanding it is different than excusing it

It's just not 'out there' as much as it needs to be IMO. I've seen a few talk shows on it but not enough. And, although anyone can participate, in my experience it is the most socially acceptable people who do it.

We as a society have a tendency to overlook the things the pretty and the popular do, in general, KWIM? Athletes, actresses.......

Avatar for weberdns0
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2000
Tue, 05-22-2007 - 9:40am
It's hard.