Rules for grads staying home

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-2005
Rules for grads staying home
5
Tue, 05-22-2007 - 8:08am
Hi,
Just wanting to find out what other parents have done with rules in their home after a kid graduates and is living at home while going to college such as curfews, chores, etc. I strongly believe the chores should not change but as for curfews I think since they are in my home they should still follow some type of curfew and checking in if they will be late, mainly out of respect. If any other parents have curfews, what has been a time that seems resonable to you? I told my DD that I don't expect her to ask my permission to do things with friends but to at least let us know and be home at a resonable time. My DD just graduated and is staying home while going to college in the fall and feels that she shouldn't have any rules. She will be going to a local community college so staying in a dorm is out of the question and getting an apartment is also out of the question. This past weekend she was supposed to be spending the night with a friend and we just found out that was not true and that she was spending time with a guy and some of his friends. When I asked her about it she won't tell me where she spent the night and told me that I didn't need to know everything. I understand that but she lied about where she was and who she was with for the entire night. If anyone has any helpful advice, I would love to hear it.
Thanks!
Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 05-22-2007 - 9:42am

My dd17 will be living at home following graduation and although we haven't discussed it in detail, I will pretty much enforce the same rules I had during the time after my 19dd graduated and left for college.

During the week, the curfew is 11PM and on weekends, it's 1AM. We live in a small enough house that I can hear the comings and goings of everyone and I don't want my sleep to be disturbed - simple as that. I can envision me falling asleep and then having the garage door open up at 2-3 AM and then I can't get back to sleep - ANNOYING. So, these curfews, I think, are fair and we never had a problem with dd19 following them. On occasion, for a special event, it's okay to come in later and sometimes she would sleep at a friends instead. My dd17 will not be 18 until October, so throughout the summer months, I think it will be pretty easy to enforce the rules in regards to curfew, even if she is a HS graduate!

In regards to chores, we don't have assigned chores in our home. It's basically: "this needs to be done, please do it". DD's have always been helpful when I ask. Only now does dd19 do a chore unasked and I really love that. When she's home, she is helpful. DD17 I have to give a list so she can check them off. It's just the way it is with her - she needs a list to work from and it works for all of us. Like I said earlier, it's a relatively small house so the daily maintenance isn't so overwhelming, but at least once a week I like it to be deep cleaned.

I've never had to say, "This is MY house and as long as you live in MY house...." I hate that crap, my mom used to pull that on us. I prefer to state it more as team work and being respectful of one another. H and I have to get up early for work, therefore, we expect that reasonable hours will be kept by everyone so that we can all get a good night's sleep. We all live her and make the mess, therefore, we're all responsible for cleaning up after ourselves and contributing in some small way to keep it nice. It has worked for us. Best of luck!

Avatar for suzyk2118
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-1997
Tue, 05-22-2007 - 12:49pm

Not sure this helps, as it's back in the dark ages when I stayed home in college. The big issue for me was we lived (they still do) on the south side of Chicago, and college was downtown. Friends were on the north side. I had a car to drive to school. The only time I didn't go straight home was on Fridays when we may get together to go to the movies or downtown for dinner, etc. But really I was home by 5 or so; my mom worked downtown and I'd get home first (and she didn't/doesn't drive); I'd do the grocery shopping, I'd cook dinner. I still did the usual high school chores (dishes, dust, vacuum, clean the bathroom, keep room clean, help with lawn care as needed; I'm an only). So really it just expanded a bit, and we were 3 adults living in the same house. When I went out, I did have a curfew mandated by the state, til I was 21. I rarely was out that late anyway; most of us wanted to be home early with all the neighborhoods we crossed in getting from school to home. I had to pay for gas, but no food or insurance or other home expenses; I wasn't working. So that was me (and no, I definitely didn't spend the night with anyone while in college; logistics just weren't there as we all lived all over the place and didn't have time to get around the distances to make our schedules). DS14 is thinking of going to school locally eventually too, so we'll have to revisit this in 3 years too!

Sue

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2010
Tue, 05-22-2007 - 3:51pm

I never had rules in college really. I was never one to be out late though, I was much happier at home than being out and I normally was in bed before 11 every night.

I never had a chore list either. I did cook dinner most nights because I liked to cook and my parents didn't. If I saw the garbage needed to be taken out I did it.

I would always call my mom if I was going to be home real late or out late for something special, it was never a rule but I wouldn't want her to worry.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Tue, 05-22-2007 - 6:11pm

All 3 of my DSs have lived at home after hs graduation, some for longer than others. Here's the rules as we laid them down:
1. As long as you are in school, no room & board payment, but any extras are your responsibility, as is your car and insurance. Still kept them on our policy to keep the lower rates, but they were expected to work part time to pay for it.
2. You do not have to tell us where you are going or who you are going with... but if you won't be home before 1 a.m. (when our geriatric dog typically wants to go out to pee) then please leave me a voice mail or text message to let me know that so I don't worry. Inexchange, I will continue to let you know how you can find me or when I won't be where you expect me to be.
3. Chores around the house are still a given - if you had your own apt, you'd have to do all the cooking and cleaning, here you just do your share.

The thing that they really wanted when we talked to them, is the freedom to come and go as they pleased like they would have in the dorms or an apt of their own. We told them that with freedom comes responsibility - they could come and go as they pleased, but they were responsible for not scaring mom out of her wits when they didn't come home at night and didn't say they weren't coming home... and they were responsible for contributing to the household, because they would be if they were in their own place.
Rose

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 05-23-2007 - 12:07pm

I agree w/ your approach. When DD turned 18, she did not legally have to be home by 12:00 any more. We never really discussed how much later she could stay out. I thought I would wait and see what happened. The funny thing is that now she doesn't feel she has to stay out til midnight and I don't think she has been home later than 1:00 a.m. Now if she started staying out until 3:00 or 4:00 a.m., I would have a talk w/ her about what she was doing until that time. Now I would just expect her to let us know if she is spending a night at a friend's house, cause if I got up in the a.m., I would really worry about where she was.

I do remember that in college (I lived away), the subway in Boston stops running at 12:30, so if we were going downtown, before any of us had a car, we had to keep that in mind. We wouldn't have been able to afford a taxi. But I also remember studying and then not going out until 10:00. I think it's kind of silly to try to enforce a curfew for a 19 or 20 year old, unless their coming in late is disturbing people.

I do know I'm glad DD is going away to college so I won't know exactly what she is doing in her spare time. lol