teen "love" -old question, new faces.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2005
teen "love" -old question, new faces.
9
Thu, 05-24-2007 - 9:21am
I know there's no REAL solution here, it just needs to play out, but I have to vent.
My 17DD has a new boyfriend (her first real serious one, although she insists it's not serious). She's known him about 1-2 months, he asked her out nearly 3 weeks ago. She has always had a real problem showing affection for people, not that it isn't there, but she'll only hug her youngest brother (4), and won't even tell her other 4 bro's (7,11,13,15) that she loves them, or typically even my wife or I. She has broken up with any other guy if they made the mistake of calling her every day or more than once a day, she generally very independant and usually thinks criticly (my wife would privately describe her a being a "b" most times, lol). This guy is on the phone 2x's a day, totally 2 hours or more a day. One of my boys overheard her saying she loves the boyfriend. If this were my oldest son, I wouldn't be surprised and would move on with my life, but as I have said she is very reserved when it comes to dispensing love.
Here's what I have preached to my kids since they were 10-11 years old;
Keep your friends, don't let a boy/girl friend monopolize all of your time (she is with the bf every minute she is out of the house, has already at least temporarily cost her one of her friendships.
No phone after 9:30 school nights (never made this any later, but always allowed SOME run over, the BF is allowed out school nights so he calls at 9:30 when he comes back home)
No internet after 10:30. It's not uncommon to find her still IM'ing way past 11 after being on the phone with him.
Think BEFORE you do, give yourself general guildlines for relationships, etc. I have made it known that I hope they'll all wait for marriage to have sex (any most other things that we've detailed) but that most people do not wait. They should have to reach some mile mark (how many months, years, age or WHATEVER) before they'll even consider having sex with someone, and then they should consider that person. DD's reply is I'm not having sex with anyone unless I'm married (to me, that is unrealistic and I think will eventually lead to sex without protection)
I told her that she should introduce us (since we've NEVER met at all) but went through last weekend and nothing. Last night he showed at DD's softball game and avoided my wife who was there, by the time that my wife realized BF was there he was walking away to leave.
So, basically all the things that I have instilled in her for the past 7 years or so has been in one ear and out the other.
Can anyone calm me down?
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-29-2003
Thu, 05-24-2007 - 9:50am

You know? I don't think I can say anything to relieve your mind...it's SO hard when we worry about our kids.........she's being NORMAL, though........my DS is going through something that is a 360 degree turnaround from how he 'used' to be, so I can understand what you are saying.......it's hard when our kids display one behavior for 'forever' and suddenly do something different. It makes us suspicious and worried.

I suspect your DD has just found a different type of boyfriend....one that she really 'relates' to and has a connection with. She maybe hasn't had that 'connection' before........her behavior sounds very normal for a teen----even though until now it hasn't been the norm for HER. I abandoned my friends for boyfriends, my sons do it themselves now w/ girlfriends......

I wouldn't worry, I'd keep a watchful eye and I TOTALLY agree with your meeting this boy. We've not met my 16 yr olds latest girlfriend.....I think HE thinks his 'status' in life needs to be way elevated from what it is. I think he's embarassed by our smaller home (that needs a porch repaired--right on the front of the house...like a nose!!). He runs w/ friends that seem to be economically well off, and we struggle sometimes....although he isn't without his name brand clothing/shoes.....we're just a regular family with a regular income and regular everything......nothing extravagant or even overly nice....just average. I think that embarasses him.....which is really too bad, because we certainly LOVE our kids and want the best for them.....but anyway, I digress.....

My opinion is that your DD is reacting normally to a teen relationship.....teens feel EVERYTHING so much more intensly than 'normal'. They get madder than necessary,they are giddy when NOT necessary, and they fall HARD in love.......being a teen is the BEST time of life as well as the worst.......

good luck, and keep us posted.

Shels

Avatar for weberdns0
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2000
Thu, 05-24-2007 - 10:04am

First I agree with you about meeting the boy...this is most important, and it concerns me that you were in the same place and he didn't make the effort to meet you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
Thu, 05-24-2007 - 10:20am

Some of the stuff you describe is normal - teen 'love' can be really intense.

Pam
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2005
Thu, 05-24-2007 - 10:49am
Thx all for the replies.
Computers are all on main living first floor areas, cell phones all charge in my bedroom (after 2am calls were showing up on call details), house phones have been removed from the 3rd floor where the oldest 2 sleep, so that's not an issue. The rules need to altered for her since she'll be a Sr. this year and is getting close to being an "adult" (18), so in all fairness I will have to do that and then make her stick to the updated rules.
Maybe it's my old school raising, but I was quite upset that the bf wasn't introduced to my wife and made no effort to even wave or ANYTHING. My wife chalks it up to "today's kids" but my kids were not raised that way. As far as social standing, if anything it's reversed for us, we live in a 3 story single, he lives in a twin home sharing a room. I would say maybe she's embarrassed that we seem to have more than others rather than being lower status than him. But regardless, a softball field is not going to tilt anything either direction there, just meeting and saying hi would have been nice.
I'm not sure if I'd have this reaction if she'd been dating/seeing/even just knowing him for more than a month or so, but this is totally out of charecter. Again, I know this is all normal for 99.9% of teens and wouldn't be shocked if my emotional (not emo, lol) boys did this. DD is always noncommital and almost standoffish when it comes to relationships.
I just have to bite my lip and wait this out I guess.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 05-24-2007 - 11:24am

Two of my boys are incredibly shy. I used to hate it when people like MIL would refer to them as 'backwards' but I have to say that, socially, that might be an apt description.

I remember wayyyy back when the next door neighbor's son returned from a tour of Nam, strode up to my brother to shake his hand, and my brother gave this little wave and ducked his head. My mother was furious-as a young teen or preteen at the time I was perplexed to see my mom so angry over such a little thing

And....now I can see my oldest and youngest doing the same thing and I now totally get the frustration she felt.

These are all the sweetest, nicest guys you could find. Seriously. My brother has been married to the same woman for 30, 35 years now. My two boys are sensitive and caring and wouldnt dream of using a woman for status or anything else.

My middle son who would surely have strode over and introduced himself to your wife with a sure smile? I wouldnt make any of the above guarantees ;)

So, try not to prejudge. Social skills are surely valuable but dont write the kid off-he may be a different type and maybe thats why she loves him. And that type may end up being very good to her.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2003
Thu, 05-24-2007 - 1:01pm

I support what everyone has been saying about keeping a watchful eye, continuing your dialogue on values and keeping the boundaries set of behaviour. I get that.

However I want to offer another perspective and please indulge me on this as it may seem a bit corny or cheesy. As I read your note I felt a great deal of empathy for your daughter and I found myself smiling. I was smiling because to be in love that way, in a way that makes you think about things differently, maybe break free of old habits etc is a wonderful and rare thing. I know that intense romantic love often burns brightly for a brief period and then fizzles out. But oh my gosh how amazing that brief period feels.

As I've grown older I look back on those feelings with so much fondness and I wish that I could have kept some of that early joy, that early excitement that I felt when I was first with my current husband. As life brought us so many more downs than ups, its those memories that keep me going or trust me I'd have been out of the front door of my house so many times....

So maybe look at it as a joyful time as well. Since when is someone falling in love such a tragedy? The tragedy is someone who reaches 30,35 years old and has never felt those things.

So, yeah, keep on an eye on things but maybe feel some gratitude that your dd is experiencing such an important thing in her life.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2005
Thu, 05-24-2007 - 2:16pm
Well, my only problem is that she has never acted this way (yes, like a normal giddy teen), and I have food in the fridge that was around before he was. Now she "loves" him. I don't have a problem with teen love, and yes I agree that fast, brief love where no one can do, or has done any wrong is one of life's best experiences. BUT -- This is someone that she meet for the first time less than 2 months ago, and only really started sharing time with around 3 weeks to a month ago. I guess I'm worried that (a) she'll get hurt, (b) she won't get hurt and will not move on, but instead stay in the relationship for years and then realize that she wasted some of the best years of her life because she was (insert any name here)'s girl friend, not herself. I realize that if she gets hurt, or hurts him that's normal too and no one can "grow up" with out having bumps to appreciate the good. I just speak from my own experience, began dating a 18 yo when I was 16, lasted 2 years (jr & sr year), went WAY further than I should have with her and nearly became a father at a young age. When the dust settled (fall sem of my frosh yr at college) I realized that I had absolutely no friends left because we had been so devoted to each other until the end. Two years later I was well on my way to being married to my wife. Not that I regret marring my wife, but I wish that I had experienced life a little more FIRST.
For the other post in ref to the boy being shy, I agree. DD already said he's shy, one of her school frds said she meet him at a dance 2 weeks ago and he seemed very shy. Shy sometimes is good, but he should still make an effort, and so should DD to get that introduction done. DD isn't dumb, she's always amazed at what her frds put up with from guys, so I'm expecting that she's made a good choice, but I hope that this is what it is, exciting & fun, but not a long term commitment.
I had hoped to get her through college without any major distractions, now maybe getting her TO college will be a more realistic goal.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2003
Thu, 05-24-2007 - 3:40pm

I have made alot of mistakes too dadfor, trust me. My parents would probably be mortified with the things I've suffered through, the private disappointments, the breakdowns behind closed doors -- all to save THEM from being as disappointed as I was. And also all to save ME from hearing the "I told you so's" and feeling like even more of and idiot than I was.

But would I trade a single minute of it for something else? I can't say that. Even my darkest moments were major turning points in my life which maybe closed the doors in one direction but opened newer, more important directions. Fear of being hurt, of making mistakes is a double-edged sword.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2003
Fri, 05-25-2007 - 10:00am

Yes, you do need to calm down and pace yourself! I have two daughters and I honestly thought that the age of 17 was the hardest year for them. I really don't know why but both girls really gave us a run for our money! I would say that if she's abiding by the rules that you've set down (which I think are very reasonable), I would let her go at her own pace. Perhaps she's not introducing you to the boy because, really, he's just a friend or just a date. I wouldn't push the introductions, etc. until she's ready. If you seriously have issues with the boy (drugs, alcohol, sex, etc.), then by all means, I would insist on an introduction and a time to get to know the boy.

Believe me, there's light at the end of the tunnel! My daughters are now 18 and almost 20. It's gets easier! Please remember to "choose your battles" and to take a deep breath and know that teens face such pressure in this day and age. They just need to know that you're there for them if they need you. You sound as if you are a very concerned parent. That's all they need. Good-luck!