mixed feelings??

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2007
mixed feelings??
11
Fri, 05-25-2007 - 12:03am
ive raised my teenage sister for a long time now... on my own, since she was eleven(whn our mother passed away) and i am her legal guardian...shes turning 18 soon and graduating this weekend...she stays with my friend most of the time but this just stared recently b/c she'll be 18 and needs to make her own choices....the thing is part of me is very excited and i feel like i have prepared her well for life and she will be fine and i get to focus on me for awhile...the other part of me is kinda sad my baby is a grown-up...i guess thats normal...but ive been pretty hurt lately because she always gets me something for mothers day (which she calls siters day) and she told me happy sisters day this yr but did not get me a card or anything...tht would not have hurt my feeling so mush except for the fact that she got my friend a card.....the ones shes been staying with...i do all the work for all these yrs and i dont get evenb a little credit...i hate to sound selfish but she has never really appreciated the mommy role i took on for her so that her life could be much less complicated and she could be a kid unlike mine was at her age...i did not do any of it for recognition i did it b/c i love her and shes my baby but i just wonder if she will ever appreciate what i have done for her or at least show me respect....shes been really freat lately but i cant get rid of the hurt that is caused by the mothers day thing and the fact that i feel like shes taking my baby after ive done all the work, i know shes not a baby anymore and that she is trying to be her own person and my friend(who is much older than i am) is just trying to be helpful to me but i just feel like shes stealing my child....does this sound stupid...am i just experiencing the normal mixed feeling that all parents have when their children grow up.....

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Avatar for coldfingers
Community Leader
Registered: 04-30-2000
Fri, 05-25-2007 - 12:39am

What you have done for your sister is wonderful!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Fri, 05-25-2007 - 6:57am

It does sound like a certain amount of what you're feeling is the empty nest syndrom - speaking as one who is facing a very quiet and empty nest very soon.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 05-25-2007 - 10:45am

I'm sure that some day your sister will appreciate what you have done, but it might not even be until she has children of her own that it will all sink in. My ex MIL helped raise her 4 younger siblings when her mother died. They still had a father, but he was working as was one older sister, so she probably took care of the house and kids. The youngest sister was only about 5. One day she came home from school crying because the kids said she didn't have a mother and my MIL said "yes you do - it's me."

I know it's tough when they leave home. I have an 18 yr old too.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2007
Fri, 05-25-2007 - 5:07pm
thanks just listening to ideas and understanding that others feel the same way sometimes really helps alot......i will probably talk to my friend......its nice to know that everyone here knows that being a mom does not always mean you gave birth to your children...alot of people dont understand that and they deminish the role u have in your childrens lives just because they gave birth to their children and you didnt, im really glad u guys are not like that....just talking about it feels alot better!Graduation is tommorrow.....she asked me...are u gonna cry???...i said probably....my baby is not a baby anymore......
Avatar for weberdns0
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2000
Fri, 05-25-2007 - 9:39pm
You did a wonderful thing for your sister and I must admire you!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2007
Sat, 05-26-2007 - 6:39pm
well i made it through the day without too many tears, everything was very nice and she enjoyed the little party and special gift....so its official my baby is not a baby...shes a hs graduate....soon to be 18....young woman...oh my....i do not know how mommy made it through this while dealing with cancer....how very brave our dear mother was....i feel like a nutcase.....i really am feeling mostly happy now...she came by to cry yesterday b/c of the big day and mommmy....so i was so happy she went past all the other people in her life that are trying to parent her and came straight to the real thing...ME......i took care of her hurt andput her back together again and she went on her way....she told me after i gave her her gift and explained it was mine when i graduated...does that mean i have to give it to my daughter when she graduates???(thank God thats not coming around anytime soon, her child i mean, i could definately not be ready for that kind of grown up just yet)...and i was like well yes if u want...thats what makes it special...shes had a really great day and is very happy and proud as we all are.....
Avatar for weberdns0
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2000
Sat, 05-26-2007 - 9:37pm
Sounds like a special day for both!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Sat, 05-26-2007 - 9:39pm

There may be a lot of other people out there who are trying to parent her - but who does she come to when she really is talking to the parent of her heart?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
Mon, 05-28-2007 - 12:26am

sounds wonderful....

it doesn't really matter if they give us gifts or cards...what matters is those feelings that exist in their hearts, and that we know they are there. enjoy the loving feelings, and words spoken, that are far more memorable than any words printed on a card, or any joy from opening a gift.

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http://www.pnhp.org/news/2009/october/meet_the_new_health_.php

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DQTBYQlQ7yM

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2007
Mon, 05-28-2007 - 1:38pm
Wow...you should be so proud of yourself! You showed incredible strentgh of character for someone so young, to take on waht you did. I'm very impressed- I don't think I could have done the same. Your mom is looking down on you, with pride and gratitiude!:) And,maybe a little jealousy!! After all, SHE wanted to raise you and your sister! In the same way, you are a little jealous of this newcomer. These feelings are very normal; my children, too, are reaching out to others, as their world expands beyond me. How dare they, when I did all the work?!?! However, you must know that your sister could not reach out to another, were she not grounded and full enough to reach out. After losing a mom at such a young age, this is truly a tribute to YOU.
The sad news is...your sister probably won't truly inderstand what you did, the sacrifices you've made, until she is much older. Maybe not until she is a mom herself, and let's hope that is years away!! Welcocme to the underappreciated, misunderstood world of motherhood! My Mother's Day was a disappointment this year, too. I got a couple of cards, but by 10 am, the kids were over it all, and off with their friends. I went to a museum and dinner, by myself...On we go, doing the duty we promised, with any accolades few and far between; often caught in the most unexpected moments.
I wish you time for you, time to discover what you would have done if you'd been able to, someone wonderful to share raising your own child with, should you choose. And I promise you, you and your sister will have the most wonderful relationship as you both mature, closer that most. Blessings! Laura

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