How to talk to an older teen
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| Fri, 05-25-2007 - 11:06am |
I cannot figure out how to tell my DH that the way he talks to his DD (who is almost 17) when he is upset w/ her is very unhealth and destructive. I agree that he has the right to set the rules w/ his DD as far as when she can borrow his car, what time she has to be home, etc. But when she does something wrong, I believe that he overreacts and the way he lectures her, I'm sure she just tunes him out. I feel that they are in this situation where because she is afraid of getting yelled at or punished, she has turned into a very sneaky person who tries to get away w/ stuff. Not that my 18 yo is perfect. In fact, she tells me what she does wrong even when she knows I won't like it (like trying alcohol). I think the diff. is that because she knows I won't yell at her, but will try to discuss why I don't like something and treat her more like an adult, that first of all I know pretty much what she's doing and she's not sneaking around, and also that I am trying to give her the tools to make intelligent decisions when she is on her own which is only in a few months anyway. If kids are only doing things because they are afraid of getting punished, what is going to happen when there is noone there? Will they be able to think about what the consequences are?
Just to give you an example, DSD asked to borrow the car to go to a friend's house. I'm kind of on a diff. wavelength because my DD is a senior and doesn't have any more school after today and doesn't even have to take finals. I kind of forget that the other kids have another few weeks of school and do have exams. DSD has not been that great a student. She has never been able to go out on a school night, but mostly because DH is tired when he gets home from work and doesn't feel like driving her places. She has only had her license about a month.
so 2 nights ago, she asks to go to a friend's house. DH lets her go but says "this is the last time you can go out on a school night." Then she asks again last night to go to a diff. friend's house. He says yes, but be home at 9:30. Then she says something about "last night, you said I couldn't go out on a school night any more." So she really should have kept her mouth shut.
She didn't come home until 9:40, plus DH was looking out the window and saw her driving down the street and he thought she was driving too fast. So he starts into this big lecture in a very intimidating way. I'm sure that she wasn't even listening to him. I couldn't tell if he was more mad that she was late or speeding. If the speeding was the case, he should have stuck to that and how dangerous it is, he doesn't want to see her or anyone else getting hurt, etc. He did say that, but then he always throws in the threats "You will never drive my car again." that he always makes, but never follows through with, so they are all empty. I know I'm not doing a really good job of explaining things, but the way he talks to her is so disrespectful of her as a person. He will start throwing in swear words that are really unnecessary and I think totally inappropriate to speak to your own child in that way. I think that's what really bothers me the most. Of course, he should tell her not to speed and even though I myself wouldn't have made a big deal about being 10 mins. late, if he wants her home at the exact time, that's ok too. (If my DD was going to be a little late, she would at least call to say she was on her way home, so I would know. I think DSD is afraid to do that cause DH will just yell at her about being late.) I just envision that when DSD is finally old enough to leave home, even if it's only going away to college, she will want nothing to do w/ him and then he will be sitting home wondering why, when he has been emotionally abusive to her for years.
