19 year old son with depression?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2003
19 year old son with depression?
9
Sat, 05-26-2007 - 11:12am

I havent posted in awhile but some of the regulars here might remember me and all the issues I have had with my son. I dont want to go into great detail about the background but in short, he quit school with only 6 months to go in grade 12. Told him he either had to stay in school or get a job - chose to get a job but it took him about 6 months to do so. He worked at the local video store for about 4 months then quit - saying he didnt like it or his boss and said he'd find something else. Well, this was at the end of January and he still has no job. During the time he was working, he bought a cellphone and signed on to a plan but now of course has no money and it has been cut off. He loved that phone and I thought he would want to work to pay for it but its like he doesnt care. He worked with my husband but that only lasted a week. So basically his time is spent watching TV/movies or playing video games with his friend at night and sleeping all day. We bought him a cheap car last year for his 18 birthday to go job hunting and get to and from work (we live out of town). I paid for 6 months of the insurance upfront and he paid me back about half before he quit the video store. His insurance is due again at the end of this month and he has NO money. I'm scared he will drive the car without it. I can't take the car away as it is in his name.

Now, I dont give him any money whatsoever - not a dime - and he never asks me for anything. His friend, who doesnt drive and works early morning hours, gives him gas money to go places and drive him around to delivery papers. I dont buy any special treats for him in way of food - he eats whats here or he buys his own. I am not a great believer in kicking a kid out. I worry that if I kick him out, he'll end up in the wrong group of friends, into drugs, who knows. - I think there has got to be a better way but so far I have found nothing to motivate him. We have talked to him over and over, helped him to look for jobs, asked him what HE wants to do whether it be back to school or whatever, but all I get is "I dont know".

On the upside, he's never caused me grief in some ways - doesnt drink, party, smoke, do drugs, I'm not bailing him out of jail at 4 in the morning so I thank god for that but now I'm thinking a big part of his problem is maybe depression. I have talked to him about this and he looks at me like I'm crazy. He's always had problems socially - never seemed to fit in. He did go thru a bit of counselling in middle school but that didnt seem to help. I tell him that he has to go out and find his niche somewhere - whether it be thru school or working - sitting around home and doing nothing isnt life.

I think he would benefit from some counselling but how do you get a 19 year old kid to go? It just kills me to see him like this as I know he could be so much better. Any suggestions would be appreciated.

Avatar for mjaye2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 05-26-2007 - 1:18pm

Hi, tamarahar. Yes, I do remember you. I am so sorry your ds is still giving you grief over all this.

I have no real advice, but have you considered family counselling? Maybe that could be a door to get him into councelling by himself. It may also give you some ideas on how to approach this problem maybe in a way no one has thought of yet.

I completely understand why you don't want to kick him out of the house. Sometimes that sort of tough love doesn't work. Sometimes maybe it does. It probably depends on the kid involved. Short of that, seems like you are doing what you can to not enable any more than you have to--no money, no special food, etc. As far as the car goes, you should be able to dismantle something on it that he can't repair in order that it doesn't run, but not dismantled so far that it can't be fixed should he actually find and keep a job.

Since he is 19, it will be difficult to force him to do anything legally. Possibly, you could make family counselling a requirment for continued living at your house. Of course, that automatically puts you in the position of having to kick him out should he not comply, and you said you don't want to go down that road, so I don't know how else to make him go. Perhaps, he'll go fairly easily if you are all going. Make it about the family, rather than about him.

I know this is all pretty lame, but it's all that came to mind. And I just wanted to give you some {{{{hugs}}}}. Hopefully, someone else can come up with something else.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Sat, 05-26-2007 - 1:24pm

Unfortunately, if he doesn't want to go to counseling, and doesn't want to work on it, there isn't any way it would be of benefit if you did manage to get him though the door.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
Sat, 05-26-2007 - 1:30pm
I do remember you.
Pam
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2003
Sat, 05-26-2007 - 1:43pm

Thanks for your replies. I just can't seem to figure out if it is indeed depression or that he's just lazy and knows he has it good. I dont think I'd be able to drag him to family counseling at all. We have an online counseling program through my job and I've been communicating to a counselor for the past 2 weeks. She has been helping me some in realizing that I've done as much as I can do for him and a lot of it is up to him now. I can't keep beating myself over the head over the shoulda, woulda couldas....I am going to send him the link though and maybe he'll take advantage of it.

I just had ANOTHER talk with him, reminding him about when he was working and how nice it was to have money in the bank and the ability to buy things he wants, etc. I also offered up the online counseling to which he adamantly replied that he doesnt need it. His next round of insurance ($400) is due at the end of the month, I again reminded him of that and he said "they can't stop me from driving". I reminded him that if he takes the car out of the driveway with no insurance I will contact our local law enforcement, they will give him a ticket and if he doesnt pay, its community service, if he doesnt show up for that, its jail time and a permanent record. He just shrugs his shoulders.

I reiterated to him again about his strengths and how he basically has the world by its tail - can do whatever he wants, we will support him, but laying around isnt one of them. I asked him again what he might like to do, etc. etc. and all I get is "I dont know".

I am truly at my wits end. To top it all off, my elderly dad needs care and I have to drive an hour to his home every weekend to take him food (which I have to cook) taking care of his medical needs and trying to get him into an assisted living home - there is a long waiting list so I am trying to take care of him as best I can until he gets in. My husband is also not doing well physically plus I work two jobs. I am so stressed out and feel like just jumping in the car and running away.

SIGH - does it ever get better?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 05-26-2007 - 1:44pm

Ughhh! Sorry things haven't gotten better. DS1 always worked but, otherwise, we were in this same spot although he didnt even have the one friend. He'd come home and do the video game/movie thing and sleep-then get up to work. He worked the late shift so we didnt even eat dinner together; Id leave him a plate he would heat and eat alone.

I didnt know if it was depression or one big rut but I knew it was bad.

I don't know what to suggest. I assume if he moved out he would move in with this friend-obviously, that means more videos and movies but is there anything else there of concern?

I like the family counseling idea. Perhaps making it more about you than him-"I need help understanding how to accept you as you are" or something other than "this guy is gonna straighten YOU out"

Otherwise, I have no ideas. I understand about the money thing not working as quickly as some people may have predicted. My first and third have those minimal needs as well. I dont know that that's depression as much as personality? My youngest was like this from day one; he was in special needs preschool because he spoke so late and so poorly and one of the teachers comments was "he would never go to the bathroom or have seconds on snack if we didnt ask" Yep! They were so sure he would talk if they withheld that second serving of cookies(and many kids do-probably the majority of late talkers)but he was like, "no more cookies? OK"

And at 3 I hardly think he was depressed!

And, the other side of the family counseling is that even if he doesnt join you, you might get some fresh ideas. Or maybe he could be talked into joining you 5 sessions in when he sees you really are doing this for you?

Worth a try!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 05-26-2007 - 1:54pm

Would ds do the elderly care for your dad if you paid him?

It might give him some purpose and he would earn some cash and remember what that was like

DS1 insisted he wouldnt pay car insurance when the 6 mos we gave him ran out-did the 'who cares?' routine with me as well. I worried he would drive without insurance, get caught and suffer the consequences but I let the responsibility go and let the chips fall where they may

He did not use that car without insurance AT ALL. He tried riding his bike to work for several months and had the GF drive him for groceries, etc. Honestly, even law abiding me would have broken down and used the uninsured care when it was raining!!!! But, to my knowledge, he never did

After 2 months of this, he signed up for insurance and drove the car again

You are going to have to 'let it go' and not bail him out again at the end of the month. I know how many times you've done that ;) and Im sure a poster here-he knows far more than me

Pick the thing that is easiest for you to let go of and do it-then you can work your way up.

Lots of low income people drive without insurance-doesnt make it right, doesnt mean its the way we raised our kids but it isnt armed robbery either. Let it go

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2007
Sun, 05-27-2007 - 8:24pm

Hi-just read your letter and my heart goes out to you. I want to give you maybe another angle on the "problem" you may have not thought of. I too have a teenager, an almost 18 year old daughter with problems of her own but not to your magnitude, but I've found when trying to talk with her about any number of issues that she, like so many teens, "tunes" me out completely yet when her friends say pretty much the same things I've said she's all ears. In that light, did you ever try talking to this "friend" of your son's; the one that gives him gas money and drives him around to deliver papers. I'll bet this kid, who must have a job of his own since he seems to have money, is getting pretty sick of supporting your son..why not see if this friend can give you any insight as to why the "depression" or maybe your son's friend can help him find a job. With boys, and I have a 24 year old son, they don't seem to be the ones that go to mom with their problems like my daughter does. Your son has alot bottled up inside that I'm sure he's not telling you..maybe go the "friend" route and see what gives.

Just some thought and hang in there. Maybe one or two trips to "grandpa's" house would let your son take on some of your responsibility and see life from someone who's older and wiser too!

Avatar for weberdns0
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2000
Sun, 05-27-2007 - 9:04pm
This may sound mean, but if he is living with you, eating your food, etc. then you are supporting him by providing food and shelter.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
Sun, 05-27-2007 - 11:48pm

Hugs to you. Your situation sounds like something that could easily occur in my life, with my DS17. As one OP suggested, it does seem like it's just the personality. And as other OPs have recommended, it would not be a bad idea to ask him to help out the grandparents, and let him deal with the car insurance on his own.

Like you, I often struggle with my emotions when I'm wondering if it's laziness or shyness or depression causing my DS's lack of motivation. Mine will be 18 in August, and as tough as it will be, I know I'll have to let him know that he's on his own if he screws up. It's weird because, in earlier years, he was the most compliant, kid--always trying to please. But now that he's almost an adult, it seems that the personality traits I most admired in him, are now hindering him. And my older DS24, who was continually debating and arguing from age 10, and who was always hard to get along with, has turned into a confident, successful adult; while this younger son who's always been a sweetheart, has turned into a follower who worries me constantly. It's very hard to let go, but we do have to do it. I hope I can, and best of luck to you.

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