I damaged relationship w/DD
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| Thu, 05-31-2007 - 12:46pm |
When it comes to DD's relationships, whether friends or bfs, I've always been a big believer of butting out and not voicing my negative opinions too loudly. I have always treaded lightly with DD because has had a history of medical problems and has been in and out of counseling for years because of them and we have worked very hard on helping DD built her self confidence. So whenever I saw a problem I tried to get my opinions across in a subtle way by using examples of other bad relationships or by pointing out the positives in DD's character and trying to get her to see how she deserved to be treated.
Well, DD17 has been with her current bf for a year and a half. He's not a bad kid, for the most part we count our blessings because he is a responsible college student and he is not into the partying scene. In fact, DH and I used to think he was a very good influence on DD because since she started dating him she has taken school more seriously. But lately, I haven't liked the way he has been treating her or the statements he has been making. He tends to put her down because her grades are not as high as his and I've even heard him call her stupid. Every time she is successful at something he competes with her and always has to come out on top. She is a beautiful girl and I've heard him pick on her looks and how short she is and I've even heard him tell her she has beaver teeth! She most certainly does not! A few weeks ago she failed a test and was very upset, he went on to brag about his latest test and how well he did and this upset DD because he always makes her feel like crap when he does that. She told him to shut up and that she didn't want to hear it. He said that he was sick and tired of not being able to talk about any of his successes and that he couldn't help it if she failed at everything and he didn't. Then she found out that same day that she was accepted into a summer photography program in NYC so I felt great satisfaction when she told him and he had to eat his foot. But then we had to hear about a summer program that he received a full scholarship to several years ago and that only honor students got accepted and then asked us how much it was going to cost DD to attend in NY! We told him it was none of his business.
I have been biting my tongue and letting DD handle this because she seemed to be standing on her own two feet and giving as good as she got. But lately I have seen her self confidence falter and she's been making statements about how ugly she is and it's obvious to me that he is the reason for this change. I've tried my subtle way of getting my points across, and DH's not so subtle way, but it hasn't helped. Last week I had had it and I completely lost my temper when I heard them fighting on the phone because he was picking on her grades and she was defending herself saying that she was doing the best she could. I just saw red and could not keep my mouth shut anymore and went in ther screaming the house down. It takes a lot to get me to that point but once I get there it is very explosive. I told her (or screamed at her) exactly what I thought of her boyfriend's treatment lately. I said that he talked down to her, bragged constantly, always had to be the center of attention and thought he was better than everyone else. Afterwards, I felt ashamed of myself for losing my temper like that.
Now, DD and I are not speaking, well, unless you can count her attitude towards me and accussing me of eavesdropping and not minding my business. But DH feels the same way I do and is happy that it is now out in the open and he's hoping that she will absorb some of what I said. DH told her that it is our house so we'll listen to whatever we want and if she doesn't want us to listen then she needs to move far, far away. I told her that the statements that have been made were right in front of my face and I could provide her with a list if she wanted one. DD has tightly united with her bf, big surprise there, and now I feel that the lines of communication that I have worked so hard to keep open with her have been shut in my face. I've always had a very close relationship with DD and I should have controlled myself and tried to talk with her in other ways. Tonight the bf will be over so I am taking work home with me and plan on working in my bedroom so I don't have to see them. It bothers me so much just to see his face now and I can't trust myself to keep my mouth shut so as pathetic as this sounds I choose to hide for a while. But the damage has been done and I don't know how to fix this. WWYD??

If it helps, I can see myself doing exactly what you did in your position.
I guess the only thing you can do now is apologize for yelling at her. I know I have lost my temper at my kids and regretted it later, but it has caused no permanent damage.
I do think that after a few days when things have calmed down, you might say that even though it was wrong to yell, you do feel that what you said was true and that a good BF or any kind of friend would not feel the need to build himself up at her expense. I was always a really smart student and my best friend didn't do so well in high school (although she is very successful now). I could never imagine emphasizing to her that my grades were better than hers. Do you think this guy just has self esteems issues or is it that he can't let a girl beat him?
I've found myself in your shoes one or two times with my 17dd. With 19dd, we've always been close and I've had to tiptoe a bit around certain situations, but for the most part I've always been able to be up front. With 17dd, however, it's a little more like walking on eggshells. LOL.
I would write a letter. Apologize for two things and two things ONLY: "...Eavesdropping and flying off the handle. Explain that you had hoped to be able to broach the subject with more finesse, but when you overheard their conversation, your emotions got the better of you. Then launch into the "I love you and I'm only saying this because I truly want you to be happy and realize what an outstanding young woman you are. We like BF and while he may be an otherwise nice guy, we often object to his competitiveness and insults. We'd prefer to see you with people who lift you up and support you rather than tear you down and make you feel bad about yourself. Etc, etc, etc..."
I think there are times to butt out and then there are times when you absolutely NEED to say something. Either sit with her and talk or write her a letter and then let it lie for a while. I think the key is to get your point across in a gentle loving way without anger and yelling - and then you must back off and let her absorb what you've pointed out and figure out for herself what she needs to do. If you harp on it, she will run straight into his arms. And then keep in mind that in a few weeks, if things continue as they are, you may have to say something again...but no nagging.
It is so difficult to strike a healthy balance, especially when they are so involved and so 'in love' and at this age. With my 19dd, a year ago, I was praying that she would dump her bf. DD knew I thought they should break up, but I did like him, and then without having to say a word against him, he blew it for himself by cheating on dd with the town you know what....lol. So she was able to make the decision to dump him all on her own!! DD even repeated, virtually word for word, some of the same doubts that I had expressed to her months earlier, so some of what we said sunk in!! It may be that your dd has to come to terms with things on and in her own time.
Bite your tongue and be there for her. Hugs~
Ha wow, I've been in this situation a time or two. Stepping back is so hard when you see what it does to your children. DD has the same exact issues with her grades she has to work her butt off for them, OTOH her bf of nearly 10 mths, doesn't even need to crack a book and he's a high honors student. DD is dyslexic and add-inattentive. At the beginning of their relationship dd put a lot of pressure on herself to try and be perfect for bf - I will say her bf has never put her down (that I know of) on purpose. At the very beginning, she was proud of a test she had gotten like an 85 on and he made a comment like "it should have been a hundred". He learned really quick that was the way wrong thing to say ;p When she made JV cheering, he said something like "you should have made Varsity". When I talked to him about these statements, he explained that he wasn't putting her down, these are his ways of telling her how perfect she is. And the way he explained it, I believed him. DD is very resistant to help and when he tries to help her with anything she gets mad at him because she needs the help.
Anyway, I know what I would do, but I do everything wrong lol... I would apologize for how things were said and tell you her love her and there for her. If your dd is anything like mine, when there's a phone fight, the volume is quite elevated, if that's the case I wouldn't call it eavesdropping. In my case, again I'm usually wrong, I would point out that in a relationship you build each other up, not put each other down.
Are you and bf close? My dd's bf always comes to me for "interpretation" when my dd's ticked lol So when that happened earlier in the relationship, he came to me and asked why she was so mad at him. When it was explained to him it clicked. His family is all pressure - pressure to be the best at everything - he truly thought that was normal. He learned we can't do that with dd and he's been awesome with her since. Has the bf backed off with his competitiveness with her?
<< His family is all pressure - pressure to be the best at everything - he truly thought that was normal.>>
That was my thought when I read the original post. I know chillie isnt feeling particularly sympathetic right now, but I imagine this is how the young man feels 'love' is expressed. "I push you because I love you and I want the best for you".
I personally wouldnt feel comfortable talking to my kids SO without them there but I would be tempted to break into one of these conversations. "You know, BF, everyone doesnt learn the same way; do you really think it's appropriate to be criticizing DD that way?" Yeah, she would be angry but it might make him think of something he simply hasnt thought about; part of growing up is finding out your family structure isnt THE family structure.
When I see how much pressure is put on other kids, I often think I did my kids a disservice by not pushing them enough. I did use to push dd when she was younger, but it became too much - I was a brain in school (skipped 2 grades) and she always put pressure on herself to have the same learning capabilities. And wow when her brother started school, and he learns just like I do - it was very difficult for her. She already gets so hard on herself, anyone else saying anything is overkill. But yes that was exactly how her boyfriend showed his love - pushing her to strive for better. Unfortunately, she tends to be "average" no matter how hard she tries. Bf's parents are the type that push, push, push - EVERYTHING is school and sports and sadly the boys don't even get a say in which sports. They even tried pushing dd into giving up cheering and going back to soccer lol.... well on their behalf it was because they were worried about all of her injuries last year from cheering.
J (dd's boyfriend) has become a member of the family lol He and dd cook dinner every night together, he mows my lawn and helps me with the things I can't do (my dh is military and lives far away), he helps my son with sports. I know everyone says not to get too close, but it is too late lol - I adore the boy. Tonight I was getting after dd about her grades and he gently reminded me not to push her. He always comes to me (well they both do) when there is a problem. DD used to get annoyed with him about it, until he pointed out to her that he really had no one to talk to about this stuff (I never take sides - I usually understand both points of views) and how he is closer to me than his parents. I know in the future to not become attached to her future boyfriends - so I don't portray having this type of relationship that I could have such conversations with SO's. They usually ask me to mediate lol - when dd is mad she has a habit of going off the deep end - so I am asked (by both) to "referee."
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OK, that sounds doable. I misunderstood and thought dd was unaware of the discussions.
I agree with PPs in that if it were me I would apologize to DD about blowing up about it. And, that is ALL that I would apologize for. If she was talking loud enough to be heard, then it is NOT evesdropping and you should not apologize for it. And, with the way he's been treating her, I'm pretty sure you had a good idea about what they were discussing, it sounds as though they'd been over the conversation before. I would also not be the least little bit afraid to be around the b/f. He is a guest in your home and I'd be more than happy to stay united with my DH while he is over. Do not let him in the least think that you are backing down on how you feel about what he has been doing to your DD.
Personally if it were me, when the two of us were alone I would apologize to her for blowing up. If she didn't want to hear it I would tell her that since she is growing up she has to deal with this, you can't sweep feelings like this under the rug. I agree also, use this as a learning tool for her. Let her know that feelings MUST be dealt with, or they will blow up in your face. Let her know how you feel, calmly. Tell her you do respect her wishes to remain with b/f, but she can also always expect to be your daughter. Remind her that men come and go, but you will ALWAYS be mom, whether you agree or not, and you both need to work on that relationship. I would also have a discussion with both DD and b/f when he is over the next time. I would calmly tell them both my expectations that he should be treating her better. It doesn't matter if he is older than her, sounds like he needs to be taught how women should be treated, and if his mother isn't going to do it, I'd make it my responsibility to do it. Think about it this way, if they do stay together and choose to start a family, what kind of father would he be to a granddaughter? Would he always and forever be belittling anything a girl can do? Nip it in the bud, would be what I do. Give them both something to think about. Remind him that while DD is his g/f, she is also your daughter and should be treated with respect. Remind him of your house rules, that he is NOT allowed to treat anyone there with disrespect, just as no one is treating him with any disrespect. Your home, your rules, and his responsibility to follow them when he's there.
Best wishes!!
Sallie
Thank you all for your comments and support. I did apologize to DD right after my childish temper tantrum but she still wouldn't talk to me for several days. So I took your suggestions and wrote her a letter last night. I apologized again and told her how much I loved her and how proud I was of the woman she was becoming. I also told her that her father and I did like her bf but we weren't happy with his competitive nature. That competitiveness did not belong in a healthy relationship because her bf should be supporting and encouraging her, not bringing her down. Some of this may sound familiar since I literally did quote several of you.....lol. DD came to me last night and said she got my letter and simply said "thank you" and then said she was going to bed. Not a huge conversation but I thought it was meaningful. Hopefully, after some more time goes by we will be able to talk more openly about it.
And Lemonewton, I agree with you completely. And I didn't end up hiding in my bedroom last night either...on my drive home I had a change of attitude. DH and I had a relaxing evening on the sun porch instead.