How to tell her money isn't everything

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2004
How to tell her money isn't everything
12
Fri, 06-01-2007 - 8:20am

19 year old dd came to me last night crying that she is so frustrated hearing about people doing all kinds of things and she has no money to do anything.

A little background to the story. My dh fell ill two years ago and has not been able to work. He is trying to get his Social Security Disability which is in itself will kill people. It has been as it's best, really rough. But through it all we are all still alive and kicking. It has been especially hard on dd, she missed out a lot on senior year because of limited funds. She did get into a good college close to home with loans and grants. She has passed her first year of Nursing and did it very well. She is a wonderful young woman and very smart she will be an amazing Nurse.

I am getting off track. Her b/f has always been very active in school activities, it is his senior year and because of his parents and grandparents he has been able to take several trips and is leaving for Disney with his chorus right after graduation. Last night she came home crying that she can't take hearing all the fun he is having, she feels so inferior. Now, he never once said anything remotely to that effect. But now she saying that maybe he wants a g/f that can do more stuff. Although, he tells her all the time he has no money hahaha. She also thinks that maybe his family won't accept her because we have very little. Again, no one ever said this stuff, she said it just feels that way. She is saying there is no sense staying with him, she can't keep up.

I don't know what to tell her, they have been together for 3 years and they are talking about getting engaged after he gets into college. Now she is saying, he will never marry me. She thinks now she isn't good enough. And to compound this, his very strict mother won't let them go away even on a day trip. So dd feels that he is having all this fun with other people and never her. They could afford to go away somewhere just for a day, but his mother doesn't feel it appropriate for them to be away even for a day alone. But he is allowed to go on all these trips, and we all know what goes on on school trips. They are not always watched that close.

Sorry so long, again I am off the track. How can I tell her that he doesn't love her for what she has, he loves her for her. She hasn't changed. She is still the same wonderful young lady. And can she tactfully say to him, it hurts when he talks about all the fun he has with other people, when they can't do anything together, partially because of his mother.

Again sorry so long,

Andie

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Avatar for coldfingers
Community Leader
Registered: 04-30-2000
Fri, 06-01-2007 - 8:50am

It is hard to see our kids think they are 'less' than others.

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Avatar for weberdns0
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2000
Fri, 06-01-2007 - 8:58am
I'm so sorry to hear that your daughter is having these problems and has had to grow up so fast.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2004
Fri, 06-01-2007 - 9:30am

I do want her to resolve this, she does talk to him, he never has once said anything about our situation or that it would make a difference. I can't believe that she passed her first year under all the turmoil. A lot of her class did not pass, some have dropped out completely, some have changed majors. I think she is much more focused than she thinks.

Yes we have an attorney! He is again working on a reconsideration for us, the doctors just need to word the papers right for the judges to make a favorable decision. I even have a letter out to our Congressman.

The previous post was interesting, something that didn't cross my mind, maybe she is thinking about this engagement thing. I will try to discuss that with her also.

Thanks so much for the kind words, that always helps.

Andie

Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 06-01-2007 - 9:38am

Aw, hugs to dd. I think in today's world, up and coming young adults struggle with these thoughts. All around them they see people living in excess, traveling and acquiring things. We live in an affluent country for sure, but we also hold the highest percentage of credit card debt in the WORLD. Many families are living well far outside their means and although it doesn't seem like it, many of those people are not sleeping at night because of it. I have had to discuss this issue with both of my dds at various points in their teens.

I personally think that while it is important that she understand and acknowledge the hardships your family has endured in recent years, it's more important that she learn and understand how important and meaningful it is to live within one's means. There is no need for excess as long as her needs are being met and she is reaching her goals and doing it well. KWIM? Rather than focus on explaining away your lack of funds due to the hardships, instead focus on how despite all of that you've been able to meet your family's basic needs and THAT is more important than a Disney trip. Disney will always be there and one day after college perhaps she and bf can go there together. But focusing on her education and reaching her personal goals is of the utmost importance.

Yes, it's true, there are those who are fortunate to live a life where money is not a concern, but most of us do not have that luxury. It is important that dd understand that money does not equal integrity, intelligence, compassion and honesty. THOSE are the qualities that are most important - money is secondary at best. Being able to meet one's obligations and needs, as well as some wants is all that's necessary and all she should be concerned with. If her bf is so shallow (which I see he's not) to dump her for a gf who can 'do more things' than he's not worth the salt of her tears. DD needs to get a different perspective going - she needs to value what she brings to the relationship in regards to love, sharing, understanding, intelligence, fun, laughter, warmth - those are the things her bf will value if he is the right guy for her.

How do you get her to see that? I wish I knew. In not so obvious ways, point those things out to her. Praise her for the qualities in her life that can't be counted in dollars and cents. My 19dd FINALLY gets this!! DD17 has never really been concerned with this at all - she's a very simple kid when it comes to acquiring "things".

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2004
Fri, 06-01-2007 - 9:44am

Very interesting, never thought of the fact that she could be getting cold feet on the whole engagement, marriage thing. I am gonna slip that into one of our discussions. Although she tells me that she wants to get engaged. She said if he would ask formally to marry her, she would feel that he is accepting her regardless of her situation. She does have a beautiful sapphire promise ring, but that and 75 cents will get you a cup of coffee hahahahahah It is nothing binding. She sees engagement as a binder so to speak.

They were never that different in age, he was 16 and she was 17 when they met. He was a sophmore and she was a junior. Now the subject never came up then, and they would have never asked anything like that then, but once she got into college and he was a senior and all the other kids were going places with their b/f and g/f's she was kinda dumbfounded when his mother wouldn't allow them to do anything. She won't even let him take a senior trip, he has to go on the Chorus trip with the school and teachers. See, I think like you do, these are two good kids on the verge of becoming adults. There is no reason she should be telling him no on this stuff. He never would question her judgement either, he won't speak up. And again I agree with you, if they are alone for a couple of hours here, stuff can happen. I guess we all parent differently and we won't always agree on everything.

I tell her all the time, he would never stick around like he did if his feeling were not genuine. She just needs him to repeat it over and over!!!!

Thanks so much for insight, very helpful!!

Andie

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2004
Fri, 06-01-2007 - 9:58am

Oh my, can I copy that and quote you word for word. I have never seen it put so eloquently!!! Easy to see why your dd's seem so well adjusted. A mom who knows it and gets it. Thank you so much!!!!!!

Andie

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
Fri, 06-01-2007 - 10:12am
He probably doesn't realize it bothers your dd when he talks about the stuff he does and the fun he's having - high school guys are NOT always known for their ability to pick up on moods/body language, etc.
Pam
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2003
Fri, 06-01-2007 - 10:40am

"She has passed her first year of Nursing and did it very well. She is a wonderful young woman and very smart she will be an amazing Nurse.
dd feels that he is having all this fun with other people and never her. They could afford to go away somewhere just for a day, but his mother doesn't feel it appropriate for them to be away even for a day alone"

Congrats to your DD on her schooling. In just a few days I will have been a nurse for 21 years. That's more than half of my life. When your DD gets through with her schooling, she'll be getting a job and going to work. Remind her that as soon as she goes to work and gets done with her orientation, there will be money galore because she'll be able to pick up all kinds of OT. Yep, more than she would ever want. There's plenty of time ahead for her to plan for doing things that cost money.

Does she have any friends she can spend time with? She doesn't have to stay alone. Sounds like she really needs to get out with some other college students who don't have much money, get together with some old high school friends this summer, etc.

Best wishes to you and her!
Sallie

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2004
Fri, 06-01-2007 - 11:06am

Congratulations to you on your nursing career. I know from my dd being inthe hospital two weeks ago, nurses are certainly a special breed. God bless you and all of them!!!

She knows that someday her life will get better, she has been told what a demand there is for nurses right here in our local hospitals. And dh and I have always said that even if we have to go without even more, we will try our best to make sure she gets through school. She is our only, fortunately.

She actually has a lot of very good friends and she does spend time with them. If she is willing, she can take some of the money she has saved for a car and go away for 4 days with some very good friends, I say go, she is skeptical. She just thinks she will end up with the problems that we have, a little gunshy so to speak.

Thank you!!!!

Andie

Avatar for kel7col4
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 06-01-2007 - 12:24pm
If your dd is anything like mine - if she's insecure about something within her relationship you are not going to be able to put her mind at ease. Reassurance is going to need to come from her bf. It more than likely doesn't bother her boyfriend, so he sees it as no big deal and he thinks just by saying it, it's enough. That whole theory "Woman are from Venus, Men are from Mars" comes to mind.



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