help - teen stealing? - no proof though
Find a Conversation
| Tue, 10-16-2007 - 7:35am |
Hi... I usually lurk and don't post, but I have an issue and I thought this might be a good place for some help and advice. I posted this on the college students board, but that may not be the right place for this.
Anyway, I have an 18yo CSDD who is doing pretty well overall. But, over the last few months, for some reason, it seems that she may be stealing clothes from her stepsister - and just recently, her stepsisters bookbag - it is a coach bookbag and had all her homework in it. Her stepsister is 12.
It may seem odd that 18yo would fit into 12yo clothes, but they are stepsisters and 18yo is smaller than 12yo and right now at least, they can share clothes. Next year, maybe not... nonetheless, if this is true, this is wrong and has to stop because I don't want it to be something else when the clothes no longer fit.
Anyway, my husband and I are at odds on this of course, because his biodaughter is the 'victim' here, but there is no proof, except circumstantial, that my 18yo DD had anything to do with her things missing. The reason we are even considering that she might have done it was because she had the opportunity and is very envious of SD (not unwarranted, mind you)
That said, I don't want to be complacent about it and if it is true, I need to deal with it, but how?
Some things of note are that my husband is an okay stepdad to 18yoCSDD, but they don't have a great relationship. And, 12yo SD is somewhat overindulged by husband and his family - multiple pairs of coach shoes, sneakers, purses, and a large book bag - not to mention thousands of dollars of expensive designer clothes, all for a child who will grow out of them soon.
So, I think my 18yoCSDD feels envious of (a) all the possessions that stepsister has that she never had at that age and (b) all the attention that stepsister gets from husband that is not bestowed on her.
Anyway, that's the long and short of it...
I know if I confront her she will say that she had nothing to do with it. I have asked her if she's seen stuff or if she has it by virtue of being misplaced... but I've never accused her of stealing and I can't because, in the end, there is still no proof. I've told her that her stepsister is sad about her things missing in the hopes that she would feel for her, but, it continues.
It is also possible that stepsister misplaced her stuff, but husband insists that this is not the case.
Any ideas on how to handle this? I feel like I'm between a rock and a hard place.
Thanks for any words of wisdom!

What does CSDD mean I know the DD part but not the CS?
CS means College Student - sorry, I'm used to the college students board.
Anyway, 18yo is away at school but comes home over the weekends and had been just this past weekend when this 'incident' happened... 12yo lives with us half time.
This is a tough one.
Thanks - I'm so glad you responded...
and, you did help me realize something... My DH and I have joint accounts, but our discretionary spending - whatever is leftover after bills - we split 50-50.
We agreed to use that money for ourselves and our 'own' kids.
But, I use my money for more things than he does beyond the kids, I have more things going on (graduate school, travel, etc.) and leaving less for me to spend on my 18yoDD.
So, maybe that's one things to adjust a bit to level the field a little.
We actually have an appointment to see a therapist tomorrow, but I need to get my head around this first on how to possibly begin to approach her without coming off like I am falsely accusing her because she will deny this hands down. And, she could in fact be telling the truth, because I have nothing, except motive and opportunity, to say that she did. And, if she is, that would crush me. If you think about it, in all honesty, I have motive and opportunity, too ... its a stretch, but true nonetheless. If course, it isn't true, mind you, but the argument could be made. So, where does it go from there?
Ugh! I wish I could skip these teen years sometimes!
I know that the idea of your dd stealing from her step-sister is appalling, but I honestly think that is more of a symptom of something, rather than the main problem.
Oh, I know!!! I love this board... thank you for just knowing and being sympathetic to what I'm feeling. I've been fighting this battle for the last couple of years once 12yoSD started getting so much stuff!! DD has complained to me and I've been sympathetic and tried to talk to husband, but to no avail.
So, I completely sympathize and understand what my DD is feeling... but that still doesn't make what she did right, unfortunately and still needs to be addressed with her. I just don't know how... its killing me.
But, simultaneously, and maybe even first, there need to be changes to level things out. Which is what I want to tell both therapist and husband tomorrow.
I'm a little worried about my marriage now actually... but, I feel like I'm at a crisis point with DD and unless husband is with me and willing to right the course on this with me, I may end up dealing with this alone. :-(
Thanks - I appreciate your directness.
I can't search her room because she lives in her dorm, though, honestly, that would be another internal debate on whether or not to... but it doesn't apply here anyway.
And, you are right, that is what she does need to learn that stealing is not right, though, she knows that intellectually - it is emotionally that is the problem.
My question is how best to approach it. This is sticky territory and needs to be handled right. I don't know how. I don't know the answer. I'm at a loss.
And, you're right on the not having blended well - at least not over the last 1-2 years - very true, sad, but very true. :-(