Letting kids have more freedom
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Letting kids have more freedom
| Wed, 10-17-2007 - 10:36am |
The other day my 17 yo DSD asked her dad if she could go w/ her friends to Salem, MA.
| Wed, 10-17-2007 - 10:36am |
The other day my 17 yo DSD asked her dad if she could go w/ her friends to Salem, MA.
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A year ago I would agree with you completely, but at this point in my life I would say it depends on the kid and their personal level of responsibility.
As far as the car issues, I do agree with you and for that reason, am not making DS pay what he did this summer because he is only working on Saturdays and making very little money. He does not have any time during the week to work, with homework taking up to five hours every night (but that is with getting off focus quite frequently, we are working on that ;-).
Unfortunately, I am at a point where I am micromanaging DS because he has proven again and again unable to manage his life himself right now. I realize that in a few years he will be out on his own, but if he continues as is, he will lose the ability to achieve his goals. At one point, I will have to give it up, but I can only hope DS will grow a few more brain cells before that and gain self control and initiative.
As far as your DSD, I know that you have had many issues in the past, so I guess my question would be do you actually trust her to make this trip? Yes, she does need to learn independence, but the timetable may be different from your DD.
Good luck with the decision.
Lisa
If it were up to me to decide, I would let her go in the daytime or at least to be home in the early evening.
I think there is a lot of wisdom in letting teens have more and more freedom especially the last two years of high school. This freedom allows them the chance to make their own decisions and it give us parents the right to step in and guide them if they make a bad one. I prefer my teens to make the mistakes while they are at home where I can help them to see the poor ones and how they could have done it differently and had a better outcome. Being more rigid often leads to more rebellion, less honesty between parent and kid, and also results in a kid away at college who doesn't have a clue and does all the REALLY REALLY stupid stuff.
I have two teens DS, 19 and ODD, 16 and then YDD who will be a teen in January. DS was so easy..... perfect grades, I never had to remind him to do homework or worry if it was done, never had to worry about if he was out partying.... making bad decisions , etc..... He was very self sufficient from age 15
That must have been a very scary experience and hopefully it scared your DD into being very careful about drinking again.
Since I have a good relationship w/ my 18 yo DD, she is honest w/ me and tells me things like the fact that she & her friends drink, although she says she drinks less than a lot of people.
Musiclover, I am familiar with the history of you, dsd, dd and h. In this particular situation I would probably be inclined to allow her to go to Salem from, say, 1-2PM, and she would need to be home by 10PM. There really isn't too much trouble to get into in Salem. Everything cost money (a lot of money) and the town is fairly benign and harmless. We've been there around Halloween time and it's really just interesting, a little spooky and fun. They are
Ramona Mom to 2 great kids and wife to one wonderful hubby since 1990!
I also remember some of your other posts regarding your dsd and your dh. I don't know how much control you have over this situation or how consistent he's actually going to be. I think what the pp said about check-in times, etc. was a great idea. I also just had to deal with this issue of freedom vs. control with my own daughter. She's a great kid and always has been but she recently made some very bad decisions and I caught her. While I very much hate to micromanage her and take away her freedom to make decisions, it is still my job. She is only 17. The point of giving teens freedom to make choices is to see how they do with that freedom. Your dsd has had a spotty past when it comes to making good decisions. She does not deserve the trust that perhaps another child, with a history of good decision-making might have earned. It seems appropriate to have restrictions on her. I know your dh does not always go about this in the best way, and that is frustrating. But in the adult world, when you screw up and make bad decisions, you lose freedoms also (if you get caught). Its not necessarily a bad lesson to teach them. The key to it is giving them the opportunity to earn trust back. For instance, the Saturdays that she has the car: that is her one day that she is *not* being closely watched and has the freedom to make some choices. If she continues to make good choices, then perhaps she will begin to earn some trust back.
It seems perfectly reasonable to establish ground rules upon which she can expect to be allowed to go places. Either she pays for her gas or she doesn't. If she doesn't have the gas money, she doesn't go. That's adult reality. If I don't have the money for something, I don't get to have it. Plain and simple.
If he truly thinks this T is a bad influence, he needs to decide either he will prohibit the relationship or he will not, based upon her previous behavior. My dd made some very bad decisions following her bad choice in friends. I allowed her bad choice in friends up and until the bad choices she made. Now the friends are prohibited. Period. If she chooses to violate that condition, then there will be consequences. She has to earn my trust back. And she has proven that she cannot control herself around these bad influences so she must find better friends to be around (she has friends who are good kids, she just hasn't been spending time with them). I absolutely hate to do this to her, but she has left me with little choice.
Expanding freedoms for teens should be on the basis of demonstrated maturity and the ability to handle such freedom. It needs to be individualized for each child. And those freedoms *should* be taken back if the teen clearly shows they do not deserve such trust. The key to it is allowing a way for them to earn the trust back. But micromanaging in the meantime is a necessary evil when the trust just isn't there and its based on previous bad behavior. They earn freedom, but they also earn distrust as well when they misbehave.
"I allowed her bad choice in friends up and until the bad choices she made. Now the friends are prohibited. Period."
I was often tempted to tell DS18, when he was in HS, that he was not allowed to spend time with certain friends, but I knew he'd feel that was way too controlling, and was afraid of how he might eventually rebel. And I always struggled with the fact that they were not bad kids, but just ones who made bad decisions. When I knew he was going to one of their homes, or out with them, I'd call more often or set an earlier curfew. Overnights were prohibited altogether after we learned he'd been drinking at them.
"But micromanaging in the meantime is a necessary evil when the trust just isn't there and its based on previous bad behavior."
I agree, totally. In the case of managing musiclover's DSD, consistency would definitely help, and I know it is not always easy to be consistent in our discipline.
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http://www.pnhp.org/news/2009/october/meet_the_new_health_.php
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DQTBYQlQ7yM
I'd be interested in hearing on how this works for you, in the long run.
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