When dd19 was 14, someone flipped a switch. The girl who was a mama's girl suddenly became a little mean, a little fresh and argumentative. At first I was a bit put off and even shocked. Then I spoke with my mom, my sisters and my friends...turns out 14 or so is about the time when all their girls turned on them! I learned to bite my tongue, ignore, ignore, ignore.
And most of all, I stopped bending over backwards!! I stopped doing those little extras you describe, I stopped paying attention to her whining and complaining about how just about anything I did was the wrong thing. I turned it back on her. Let her figure it out, let her come up with the plan, let her find her own dress, etc. Stop doing everything for her all the time and try not to let her get to you. My goodness, she seems to really know how to pull your strings. It is time for you stop allowing it. Who cares if she likes you one day and not another? I mean really, deep down you know she loves you and needs you - that's enough for right now. This is bothering you because you're letting it. Show her through your actions, not words, that you won't allow her to treat you shabbily and that the more she pushed you, the less you will do for her.
It will always matter to your dd how much you love her, that you do in fact continue to love her, and that you continue to make an effort in your relationship with her. One thing that she said really stuck out for me. The accusation: "you don't even know us!" It may be that the ways you are trying to show her love (looking for dresses and schools) are not what she wants from you. Perhaps she is feeling misunderstood by you and it aggravates her when you make these attempts because they are not on target for her. You are saying, "see how much I love you? Look what I did for you!" and her response is a contemptuous, "But that's not what I want from you."
It is completely developmentally normal for a child who previously idolized a parent (and many do, that is also normal) to suddenly realize in adolescence that that same parent is in fact human, and not a demi-god. This may be startling for some, disappointing for others, or just a fact of life. The fact that she no longer idolizes you, however, is developmentally normal and probably has nothing to do with your current situation.
It seems to me that you need to find out what it is she wants from you. If it is possible to have a conversation along those lines, I would try it. Certainly, I would not allow her to treat her mother badly, though. If she is disrespectful and rude, while at the same time expecting to have favors done for her, well I would simply not do them. I don't do favors for people who are rude about it. She does have to show respect. But she might be less angry in general if she felt heard and understood. You may have to press her on this issue.
It doesn't really matter too much if our kids like us. They don't have to. But the quality of the relationship between parent and child is really up to the parent. If the parent can see that the burden of making that relationship work is on him/her, then it won't matter *how* the kid feels about it. The parent must keep at it until something works. The good feelings between mother and daughter will come later, when the relationship improves. But it *is* your job, IMHO, to love her first, whether she loves you back or not. We can't give up on our kids. We have to keep trying until we figure it out.
When dd19 was 14, someone flipped a switch. The girl who was a mama's girl suddenly became a little mean, a little fresh and argumentative. At first I was a bit put off and even shocked. Then I spoke with my mom, my sisters and my friends...turns out 14 or so is about the time when all their girls turned on them! I learned to bite my tongue, ignore, ignore, ignore.
And most of all, I stopped bending over backwards!! I stopped doing those little extras you describe, I stopped paying attention to her whining and complaining about how just about anything I did was the wrong thing. I turned it back on her. Let her figure it out, let her come up with the plan, let her find her own dress, etc. Stop doing everything for her all the time and try not to let her get to you. My goodness, she seems to really know how to pull your strings. It is time for you stop allowing it. Who cares if she likes you one day and not another? I mean really, deep down you know she loves you and needs you - that's enough for right now. This is bothering you because you're letting it. Show her through your actions, not words, that you won't allow her to treat you shabbily and that the more she pushed you, the less you will do for her.
It will always matter to your dd how much you love her, that you do in fact continue to love her, and that you continue to make an effort in your relationship with her. One thing that she said really stuck out for me. The accusation: "you don't even know us!" It may be that the ways you are trying to show her love (looking for dresses and schools) are not what she wants from you. Perhaps she is feeling misunderstood by you and it aggravates her when you make these attempts because they are not on target for her. You are saying, "see how much I love you? Look what I did for you!" and her response is a contemptuous, "But that's not what I want from you."
It is completely developmentally normal for a child who previously idolized a parent (and many do, that is also normal) to suddenly realize in adolescence that that same parent is in fact human, and not a demi-god. This may be startling for some, disappointing for others, or just a fact of life. The fact that she no longer idolizes you, however, is developmentally normal and probably has nothing to do with your current situation.
It seems to me that you need to find out what it is she wants from you. If it is possible to have a conversation along those lines, I would try it. Certainly, I would not allow her to treat her mother badly, though. If she is disrespectful and rude, while at the same time expecting to have favors done for her, well I would simply not do them. I don't do favors for people who are rude about it. She does have to show respect. But she might be less angry in general if she felt heard and understood. You may have to press her on this issue.
It doesn't really matter too much if our kids like us. They don't have to. But the quality of the relationship between parent and child is really up to the parent. If the parent can see that the burden of making that relationship work is on him/her, then it won't matter *how* the kid feels about it. The parent must keep at it until something works. The good feelings between mother and daughter will come later, when the relationship improves. But it *is* your job, IMHO, to love her first, whether she loves you back or not. We can't give up on our kids. We have to keep trying until we figure it out.
This can't be approached
Your DD is at an age where so many start rebelling and becoming difficult to live with.