I think it's wonderful that rose was able to help you see the root of your unsettled feelings. So this is more about your situation with your daughters conceived in surrogacy rather than your son fathering a son through marriage? Are you positively certain? Because...
I am that woman. I married my current H (11 years now) and I already had two daughters by a man well known by my current H's parents. To them he was beneath them, basically pond scum. At first it seemed like H's mother made an effort to be nice to my daughters and me. But her niceness soon wavered and although she rarely goes out of her way to be mean anymore, there was a time when she was. It was her tone and slightly derogatory comments to either my daughter or me along the way that were truly hurtful and helped me to realize that she has never accepted us as familiy. When H and I were married 8 years she referred to my daughter as "the daughter of the woman my son lives with" to a close friend of hers - right in front of dd & her friend, who were both 16 and were capable of understanding her meaning and it hurt dd greatly! Her friend actually asked me if H and I were really married!
Before we married, H & I had a long discussion about how if he married me, it was a package deal, he had to be ready to be a full time father and be a parent all the way and I would support that 100% and help him with things. If he couldn't follow through with it, I fully understood and gave him the opportunity to bow out of our wedding. H refers to my dds' as his daughters, he loves them with his whole heart and cares for them, teaches them, supports them emotionally as well as financially. H's parents are nice, good people, but his mother has a real problem with our marriage and I *think* it stems from the fact that we did not get married in church, and she being a rigid catholic, likely feels that our marriage is not truly in the eyes of God - I don't know - it's the only excuse I can come up with, because everyone we meet accepts us and likes us,
Gosh, I just think the more people that love a child, the better. I have been in my dsd's life for 11 years and since I'm divorcing her dad, I'm raising her on my own now, with my two boys (her half-brothers). We never considered her brothers to be anything less than full brothers, however, because that is how they are raised. I consider her to be my daughter, because that is how we define our relationship. I love her with all my heart and soul. My side of the family (on my dad's side) are very welcoming and open to any new family members, including steps. It always warmed my heart so much to see my dad and grandma and all my aunts and uncles just embrace my dsd like one of their own. What difference does it make *how* a child comes into a family? Once they are in it, they should be warmly embraced like anyone else. What a joy it must be to have a grandchild to call yours! I'm not at the point yet where I'm expecting any grandchildren anytime soon, but I can't imagine putting limitations on them, that they must be my blood or I won't accept them. A child can never have too many loving grandmas if you ask me. And a family can never have too many children to call its own.
Those of us, like some of the previous posters (and yourself included, with the surrogacies),
Simple.. you accept her as the woman your son has chosen to spend his life with.
Trust your son that he knowns what he is doing and support him in his decision. You brought him up, after all.
Have a chat with your daughter-in-law and between you two decide what she & you are comfortable calling you. I called my dear MIL, Mom. Tell her that you accept her as your new daughter and will do everything you can to make her now a part of the family,which she will be. And do it. Put everything else aside.
As for the child, your son loves her/his mother. He will be the child's Dad. THAT MAKES YOU A GRANDMOM.
Congrats. I hope your son & this bride will be very happy.
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DIL has a career, is a nice person, and makes your DS happy.
I think it's wonderful that rose was able to help you see the root of your unsettled feelings. So this is more about your situation with your daughters conceived in surrogacy rather than your son fathering a son through marriage? Are you positively certain? Because...
I am that woman. I married my current H (11 years now) and I already had two daughters by a man well known by my current H's parents. To them he was beneath them, basically pond scum. At first it seemed like H's mother made an effort to be nice to my daughters and me. But her niceness soon wavered and although she rarely goes out of her way to be mean anymore, there was a time when she was. It was her tone and slightly derogatory comments to either my daughter or me along the way that were truly hurtful and helped me to realize that she has never accepted us as familiy. When H and I were married 8 years she referred to my daughter as "the daughter of the woman my son lives with" to a close friend of hers - right in front of dd & her friend, who were both 16 and were capable of understanding her meaning and it hurt dd greatly! Her friend actually asked me if H and I were really married!
Before we married, H & I had a long discussion about how if he married me, it was a package deal, he had to be ready to be a full time father and be a parent all the way and I would support that 100% and help him with things. If he couldn't follow through with it, I fully understood and gave him the opportunity to bow out of our wedding. H refers to my dds' as his daughters, he loves them with his whole heart and cares for them, teaches them, supports them emotionally as well as financially. H's parents are nice, good people, but his mother has a real problem with our marriage and I *think* it stems from the fact that we did not get married in church, and she being a rigid catholic, likely feels that our marriage is not truly in the eyes of God - I don't know - it's the only excuse I can come up with, because everyone we meet accepts us and likes us,
To me it looks as if your own guilt about not telling your girls may be at least part of the problem.
Yes, I do feel bad about not telling the girls.
Gosh, I just think the more people that love a child, the better. I have been in my dsd's life for 11 years and since I'm divorcing her dad, I'm raising her on my own now, with my two boys (her half-brothers). We never considered her brothers to be anything less than full brothers, however, because that is how they are raised. I consider her to be my daughter, because that is how we define our relationship. I love her with all my heart and soul. My side of the family (on my dad's side) are very welcoming and open to any new family members, including steps. It always warmed my heart so much to see my dad and grandma and all my aunts and uncles just embrace my dsd like one of their own. What difference does it make *how* a child comes into a family? Once they are in it, they should be warmly embraced like anyone else. What a joy it must be to have a grandchild to call yours! I'm not at the point yet where I'm expecting any grandchildren anytime soon, but I can't imagine putting limitations on them, that they must be my blood or I won't accept them. A child can never have too many loving grandmas if you ask me. And a family can never have too many children to call its own.
Those of us, like some of the previous posters (and yourself included, with the surrogacies),
Ok, I DID confuse you!!!
You ask "how do I accept this"?
Simple.. you accept her as the woman your son has chosen to spend his life with.
Trust your son that he knowns what he is doing and support him in his decision. You brought him up, after all.
Have a chat with your daughter-in-law and between you two decide what she & you are comfortable calling you. I called my dear MIL, Mom. Tell her that you accept her as your new daughter and will do everything you can to make her now a part of the family,which she will be. And do it. Put everything else aside.
As for the child, your son loves her/his mother. He will be the child's Dad. THAT MAKES YOU A GRANDMOM.
Congrats. I hope your son & this bride will be very happy.
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