Need advice re 19 year old dd

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Need advice re 19 year old dd
6
Fri, 11-02-2007 - 3:45pm
Hi, new to your board and glad to have come across it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 11-02-2007 - 5:01pm

I think you are on the right track; you just have to be consistent and come to terms with the ultimatum you are giving her(that's hard)

I would suggest that instead of giving the laundry list of what needs to be done, you choose one or two and give a deadline. For now, I would leave respect and part of family out of it-I know it is hurting you but it's not as concrete as taking the GED.

Start concrete. GED by Dec 1st(Im making that up-no idea how often they give them)
Job by Dec 1st.

Try not to get too big on the consequences as much as this is the plan for her moving forward and you want to help her keep on track. I would help her look through ads, be sure she has updated references, etc. Think of what you would do for a friend or SO in this situation

Meanwhile, pay her car insurance for Nov without a word because it's not Dec 1st. You've made it this long, right? Set a date for the car insurance after she meets these timelines.

I found taking this approach worked well for my son. He left college; tried a factory job. Went to community college unwillingly and then tried another job We did the 'lets work together to get you to the next stage of your life' plan and it seemed to to work. He was angry for awhile(even though this was a 6-9 mos plan, he still saw it as 'throwing him out'. I cried buckets and buckets

But, he is 22 now and very 'together'. It was worth the tears. We have a great relationship.

The best advice is to forget the mom/dd relationship and focus on how you would speak with a friend or co worker. It kept me on track and made him far more responsive(eventually-Im not talking instant here!)

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Fri, 11-02-2007 - 6:19pm

Welcome to the board!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sat, 11-03-2007 - 8:09pm
Thanks so much for your replies.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 11-03-2007 - 8:33pm

You have the 'have to have a car to get a job' thing going on. But there is no reason to finance anything else. I would take her car to the station myself and put the gas in rather than hand her the cash.

Frankly, I see no reason for her to be handed cash unless you are in a bind and cant get her a necessity(tampons, for example) Cash for fun just shouldnt be on the table right now. You have food at home, you have her clothed and sheltered. If she wants to go to a movie, tough! Let her friends rent a DVD instead

No, I dont think she will get tired of asking for stuff. It takes a lot less than 8 hours a day like a job does

Hang in there-try not to bring up the job over and over. It's easier to set a deadline and then...be quiet. She doesnt need a reminder. And, frankly, if she is used to you 'nagging' the very fact you have gone silent is going to make her go "whoa..something is different here"

Yes, it is draining but they need to be self sufficient. Period. We arent going to live forever, ya know!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Sat, 11-03-2007 - 9:20pm

I agree with windrush - avoid giving her cash at all costs.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-12-2007
Sun, 11-04-2007 - 8:01am

shannon