more problems between DH & DSD

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
more problems between DH & DSD
8
Mon, 11-05-2007 - 10:44am

Yesterday there was another big problem between DH & 17 yo DSD.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2004
Mon, 11-05-2007 - 11:07am

Sorry you are caught in the middle. Your DH needs to get help. Only you can judge if you and your children are in danger from your DH's temper. Whether he intended or not to hurt his daughter is beside the point. He should have known better. No matter what she has done, he should not use any force to get her to listen to him. That was wrong. Your step-daughter could have reported him but it shows that she loves her father.

There seems to be unresolved issues between his daughter and himself. Could it be related to his first wife's death? Loosing a mother leaves lasting scars on a child, not time does not heal. Perhaps your step-daughter feels "not important", replaced, alone in life. Are they getting professional help,together?

Is there anyone his daughter can go and live with? An aunt?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 11-05-2007 - 11:47am

DH has been in individual therapy for years since he has bipolar disorder.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
Mon, 11-05-2007 - 12:33pm

My DH has quite a temper, too, and I often thought he should take anger management classes. Has your DH done that? Neither son ever would have thought of calling social services, but I did warn DH about that possibility.

Your DH and DSD surely love each other. Some parents are simply stricter than others and your DSD has to know that, because she'd gotten in trouble before, she needs to earn back her father's trust before he'll give her more room. Waiting until report cards come out to regain the privilege to have friends in the car, I think, is reasonable and I can understand your DH being upset. It's very frustrating when we make clear rules and our kids always have to test us.

It is good you're there to act as mediator. I'm sure your DSD is grateful to have you around, even though you don't particularly enjoy being in the middle.

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Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 11-05-2007 - 2:24pm

This isn't a matter of him being too strict or not; and it's not completely a matter of her being out of control or not. It's somewhere in the gray area in between those truths, kwim?


You should not have to play mediator and once again, H has proven that you couldn't mediate even if you wanted to because he always wants things his way and he won't listen to anything anyone else suggests. When he's between a rock and a hard place, he says whatever he has to to get out of the hotseat!


Going to counseling means NOTHING if he is A) telling a distorted version of the truth and B) if he is not willing to put into practice the things he needs to in order to improve his relationship with DSD.


DSD is likely feeling like a fifth wheel, wondering where she fits into her father's life, your life, her extended family's lives. I mean, I can just imagine what a lonely feeling that leaves inside of her. She may interpret her father's behavior as meaning she is unwanted. She may interpret your position as step mom as being unwanted. Clearly she can intepret her grandmother's behavior and words as being that she is unwanted. So, where does DSD fit in? Where is she going to feel like she belongs, loved, cared for, and like family?


It seems the main attention that DSD receives is negative attention, in particularly from her father - the only part of her original family that is left really. Where do the compromises begin - who gives up the fight first? It should be your H, her dad. DSD is old enough to know how to manipluate a situation to her advantage. She's also old enough to know better about allowing kids into the car and using her cell past a certain hour, yes. I think these are all varying degrees of typical teen behaviors - she's testing the limits, pushing the envelope as many teens do. Not all, but many.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 11-05-2007 - 3:41pm

When I was talking to the grandmother last night, she was saying how DH wants to control DSD and he has no right to do that, etc.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 11-05-2007 - 3:50pm

I actually find it very difficult to respect DH, esp. in his role as a parent.

Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 11-05-2007 - 10:30pm

"I know that his level of stress went down when DD went away to college and I told him that although I realized that it was probably less stressful for him since he & DD didn't get along (he really doesn't get along w/ most people and she is pretty headstrong--not a good combination), that it was sad for me because I actually missed her, so I'm not saying how great it is that my DD is away from home.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 11-06-2007 - 10:54am

Last night I was mentioning that DD is coming home this weekend because it's a long weekend.