i can't let my 19yo go

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-26-2004
i can't let my 19yo go
2
Sun, 11-18-2007 - 10:15am

It's been quite a while since I've posted here, actually I don't even get much time to visit the site lately. But I have an issue with my son that's eating me alive and I knew if anybody you folks here could help me through it. Sorry if it's long.

Okay, refreshing the background...I have 3 kids, DS 14, DD 16 are my bio kids, DS 19 who is actually an ex b/f of my dd. He came to live with us 2 yrs ago because of extremely bad situations at home. Although he is dds ex they have become best of friends in a sibling kind of way, he is fiercely protective of her. Because of the problems with his parents, too much to take in on one post so I will briefly say there is a history of abuse & drug addiction since before the boy was born, both parents have spent time in jail and in rehab, his mother has attempted suicide many times, because of this has been with us. We've come to love this kid as if he were our own and he has become a member of our family.

Now, my problem is the fact that he's 19 and as any other kid his age he wants to get out and experience life, find his freedom and figure out what he wants when he grows up. And I know you're all saying that's not a problem, I should be proud and believe me I am. Knowing where he started and that we have seen him get to this point makes me extremely happy. But I'm so sad because I've only had two years to love him and nurture him, I wish I had known him years ago when he was little, I wish I had more time with him before he was ready to grow up. I know this will always be home to him and he and I will always have a special mother/son bond. But I'm not ready for him to grow up, I like that he has depended on us so much. With my own kids I know it won't be as hard to let them go because we have had the opportunity to watch them grow and mold them into the people they are today. He credits us with who he has become and I'm so proud of him. I guess I just feel cheated because I missed those crucial years with him. He is so upset with me because as much as he wants to talk to me about his hopes and dreams, I'm being so selfish thinking about how much I will lose instead of seeing the bigger picture that I have gained this amazingly smart boy who calls me Mom. Plain and simple, I'm not ready to let him go. He knows how I feel and is completely understanding of why I feel like this but feels that this would be the biggest accomplishment in his life knowing that we've helped him move forward through the hell that was his everyday life. I have become so depressed knowing the day is coming that he wants to go and all I see is the negative side of it. As he's said himself I'm so afraid of what I don't know that it is consuming me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Sun, 11-18-2007 - 10:27am

As I read your post, all I could think of is "did I write that 3 years ago?"

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-26-2004
Thu, 11-22-2007 - 11:44pm
Im glad to know I'm not the only one to go through this. I just feel so selfish and I know I am. The past two years he's been with us have certainly been trying on all of us. There have been times that he couldn't handle being in such a close family or there would be an argument and his reaction would be to flee. He would always come back, sometimes within a week, sometimes a month or more. Usually I would consume myself with worry because we wouldn't hear from him for extended periods of time. This had become such a predictable cycle that now since things have gotten much better I still fear him leaving and there's always that thought in the back of my mind that this time he won't come back. What makes it worse is I have finally come to terms that he and my daughter will never be more than best friends and that he is bringing another girl into his life. I feel bad because I know it's better this way and at least we have such a close relationship but I still don't want it this way. It's unfair of me, yes, and like I said I'm being very selfish. We have finally gotten that bond we tried so hard to achieve, I'm not ready to share him with anybody else. At least he's very understanding of this and doesn't hold it against me. I am trying very hard to accept it and I am so thankful we have as much as we do. It just gets so frustrating because he wants to be able to come to me and confide in me about this new girl and I can't be happy for him yet.