Seeing from different perspectives

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2004
Seeing from different perspectives
9
Tue, 11-20-2007 - 11:38am

I am hoping for some advice if anyone knows where to go with this one...


Summer of 2006, I had an argument with my then 14 year old son, typical teenage argument of him pushing buttons and being disrespectful and me demanding respect. So at the time rather than work things out he decided to call his father (after I left the room to "cool down") and have dad pick him up, he has not lived with me since.

Chaoslover

Sometimes you fake it, till you can make it.

Avatar for bookwormmom
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2003
Tue, 11-20-2007 - 12:17pm

I think this is all a matter of perspective. And the fact of the matter is that HE preceives it that you kicked him out. I think the only thing you can do is tell him you are very sorry that he sees it that way, and move on from there. Tell him that he is always welcome to come back, if that is true, but that if he does it won't be a flip flop deal where he can just go back to Dad. Since school will be with you etc. I think all you really can do is to tell him you both need to move on and deal with today and the future.


I don't have any BTDT kind of experience, but this is my 2 cents for what it's worth.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 11-20-2007 - 1:55pm

Are you more upset that your DS believe that you kicked him out or that he's going around telling people and that makes you look bad?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-31-2007
Tue, 11-20-2007 - 2:03pm

I don't have any btdt either but it sounds ilike good advice. You don't know also what his fathers influence on the situation has been. JUst tell himhe has the right to feel however it is he feels but as his mother you love himand will always love him and he can always com home. Your door is always open,and ask him if we could just move on, because you want him to be a part of your life.


You as a mother, i know how your heart is broken, has to be the one to reach out even if it is not your fault. As he gets older maybe you can revisit the situation.


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Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 11-20-2007 - 2:19pm

Who are you defending yourself to? Your son's peers? If so, you have got to find a way to let it go. First of all, part of his telling his friends that you 'kicked him out' is way cooler than saying, for instance, "yeah, my mom and I had a fight so I live with my dad now". Getting "kicked out" sounds so much cooler when you're 14-16 years of age!


When my 18dd left home a couple of months ago after we had an argument, she told all her friends that I kicked her out. I didn't. What I told her was that this was our home and we didn't approve of her going missing for 2 full days without a phone call, coming home severely hungover after sleeping at a person's home whom we've never even met or heard of up until that moment! She felt I was over reacting, things got heated, we exchanged not so nice words and she stormed off and had a friend pick her up down the street after I took her car keys away. After a couple of days (in which we were in constant contact) she went to live with her dad in NY for 5 weeks. All the while I told her that she's welcome to come back home, but we had to have some ground rules and conditions. When she was ready, as were we, she came back home after we went over a contract and agreed to the terms.


If you are trying to change your ds's mind, forget it - it's not going to work. He's had 2 years of his own brainwashing over this and now he truly believes that you kicked him out (and who know what your ex said as well).


You've discussed it and I think it's time for you to simply say what musiclover suggested: You're sorry he feels that way or perceives the events that way but you can acknowledge that his perspective is different than yours. You'd like for him to know that he's welcome to come home under certain conditions and that you love him with all your heart. And then, you have to let this go.


If you're ever in a position to right the wrong in mixed company or with family, then I certainly would. But I wouldn't bring it up without provocation, kwim? Let's say you're at Thanksgiving dinner and your ds says something about you kicking him out and then gramma asks, "Dear, did you really kick your son out?" you can reply by saying, "Unfortunately, that is his perception, but no, I did not kick him out - he chose to go live with his father" and then say nothing more. I would never ever have a lengthy conversation about this with ds around or in mixed company - for a few reasons. The first of which is that it feeds his anger and resentment and perpetuates this story. And the second is because it's a private matter. What other people believe or feel about it is meaningless to you and your son or what originally happened.


I hope that you can find a way to let this go. Anyone who knows you well enough will know that you didn't kick your son out. Perhaps a session or two with a counselor will help you put this behind you. Hugs~

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2003
Tue, 11-20-2007 - 10:49pm

So here's how I see it plain and simple.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Tue, 11-20-2007 - 11:23pm

ITA diamond!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2002
Wed, 11-21-2007 - 8:29am

Hi there...I know I would be heartbroken also, if one of my kids left home. First off, dismiss whatever he is telling people. The only ones who matter are the ones you care about.


As for perspective...I can see a sullen teenager thinking that you kicked him out if you didn't get down on your knees and beg him to stay. It's just the nature of the beast. Teenagers can be very self centered (well, anyone can be) and manipulative.


That said, you need to have broad shoulders and a thick skin. Tell him you're sorry you let him leave and want to spend lots of time with him. Work out a plan so that you can

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-24-2006
Wed, 11-21-2007 - 8:59am

I agree with many of the PP's.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2004
Wed, 11-21-2007 - 10:47am

Thank you all for the advice and words of encouragment.


I get that its cooler to be "kicked out" when you are a teenager and I also absolutely agree that people see things in totally different perspectives.

Chaoslover

Sometimes you fake it, till you can make it.