We have a problem here :(

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-26-2007
We have a problem here :(
21
Tue, 01-01-2008 - 12:52pm

Well,


I guess New Years Eve didn't go quite as I thought it did :(


I'm in a bit of a situation also....so want feedback :)


Jake (14) went to a party at a boys house not to far from here.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2007
Tue, 01-01-2008 - 1:02pm

So sorry, Julie! Man, if it isn't one thing, it's another with our kids, isn't it?! Lying really gets to me. My DS does it all the time, over stupid things especially. Why do they do it? They just don't understand that they get in more trouble for the lie, probably, than for whatever it is they did.


I think you can let Jake know that you know without necessarily ratting Max out. I'd find a way of making him think that I heard it from someone else--maybe the parent of a friend, maybe something was on someone's Facebook, etc. These kids are incapable of keeping secrets these days, it seems. My kids can never figure out how I know the things I find out through a little judicious snooping (or when they rat each other out).


Good luck!


ej


iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2004
Tue, 01-01-2008 - 1:07pm


Well, I think the problem is your son is afraid of your reaction. That is more of the issue than him lying about it.

A suggestion, ask right out. Say something like, "Did you kids have fun last night? I am so relieved that you all were safe. The roads can be very dangerous on New Year's Eve."
Put it right out there and make it known that you don't assume that "something" went on.

I would be upset too if I found out that my kids lied too. But look at it as an opportunity to discuss with him the importance of not being afraid of talking to you and your husband.

Good luck

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2007
Tue, 01-01-2008 - 1:16pm

<>


Well, yeah, they're afraid of our reaction when they lie to us. The problem is that they don't realize that our reaction would have been much better if they hadn't lied in the first place! We have never freaked out at anything our kids have done (yet), but my DS still feels it's necessary to lie. We always tell him that the lying is always worse than whatever it is he may have done!

Avatar for bookwormmom
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2003
Tue, 01-01-2008 - 1:37pm

Julie, I'm sorry to hear you are having to deal with this. I know just where you are coming from. That has been the biggest problem recently with Kelsie. She has gotten grounded, not really for something she did, but because she lied about it.


Right now we feel like we can't even believe any thing she tells us. It is very hard once you lose that trust. I hope he will fess up to what went on, who he was with etc. Hopefully it was just watching movies.


It just makes me sad more than anything that Kelsie is lying about things. I hate lying and Dave gets even angrier about it than I do.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-14-2006
Tue, 01-01-2008 - 1:38pm

Well, I asked my DD16 her opinion. She says you should tell him you know the girls were there last night, and that you're not mad about him hanging out with girls, but you wish he had told you and not lied about it. I think I touched a nerve because she related it to an earlier time when (supposedly) I wouldn't let her go to mixed gender parties when she was 14. I don't remember this - I do remember it at 12-13.

I *do* have reservations about teens hanging out all night in mixed gender parties only because the supervision is less (parents fall asleep) and the temptations are great. I know my DD disagrees, but that's understandable (that she and I have different opinions about this).

But, I also think that you want to keep the communication open with Jake. Make it clear that you will be calm about things if he tells you the truth and that you are mostly mad now about the lie.

In the grand scheme of things it's not a "big" lie - I probably wouldn't be that mad about it - but I would want the message of "no lies" to be clear.

Sue, mom to Leah and Seth


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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-26-2007
Tue, 01-01-2008 - 1:53pm

Update :)Well,

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2004
Tue, 01-01-2008 - 2:06pm


You just keeping repeating that you will not get angry if they come to you first. Keep repeating it until you are sick of it. And when they do, try to keep your cool. I know it is easier said than done but it does help.

The problem is the kids believe you will say no. You might very well say no but if they know you will listen first and try to understand their side, it does help. Also, the kids might think you will over-react and assume the worse. If they know that you will not and will first listen, it does help.

Now, I know this is easier said than done. It is hard, if not impossible, to counteract
kids' natural fear of rocking the "parental boat" but it does get better.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2004
Tue, 01-01-2008 - 2:09pm

Good for Jake. You should be so proud of him! You are doing a good job, Mom!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2002
Tue, 01-01-2008 - 2:10pm

Hi, Julie...I don't know what to say...I'm sure you will find a way to deal with this. No one likes lying. But they all do it at one time or another. The key is to keep it from becoming a habit. And it's unreasonable that we have to ask very specific questions in order to get the whole truth. Hard as it is, times are changing. Boys and girls are hanging out together more often, and just as friends. In fact, both of my DD's have guy friends simply because it involves less drama. That's not to say I want them spending the night...no...


I'd have a family meeting. Discuss how it's not right to put another family member or even a friend in an uncomfortable position. One simple lie by omission then snowballs out of control. The kids have to be able to tell us anything...and we have to be able to choose our battles. If we punish them for every single thing they do wrong, eventually it becomes meaningless. Sometimes its best to just say, I'm not happy about this and I don't expect it to happen again.


I'll make you feel a whole lot better and tell you what I had to endure last night. My son had friends over, the usual gang. All kids I've known forever, and I also have a good rapport with all of their parents. They were playing guitar hero, etc. and got quite noisy. I went down and found them all playing beer pong in my garage. These are all guys ages 18-21, and there was one girl, the steady of one of them. So I took away all the car keys. 2 of them had to call their parents to come get them. Tough. So, first thing this morning, I went down to DS's room where they were all sacked out. Yelling good morning, happy new year, and shining a bright flashlight in each of their sweet little faces. They all got up, I made them clean the garage from top to bottom. And that's that. Another New Year's come and gone. One of the mom's called this morning. She thanked me for looking out for her son. I don't babysit, but if someone's kid is here, I keep them safe. It can be a huge liability and it's a burden, so I don't let anyone hang here unless I know the parents and they know the score.


If a teenager wants to do something, be it drink, get high, or have sex, they will find a way. We all know that, we were young once. Communication and honesty are vital. With the kids, their friends

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-26-2007
Tue, 01-01-2008 - 2:25pm

Yes, I am proud of him :) thanks.

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