I don't know what to do....

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
I don't know what to do....
7
Tue, 01-01-2008 - 10:58pm
I'll try to make this synopsis quick-ish.
My daughter, who will be 16 in two months, has had this on again off again romance with a boy who is two years older. He turned 18 in October. He has a likeable side, but can also be sort of rude at times...which I blame his parents for. His cocky attitude has made him somewhat annoying to his peers at school...yet, somehow she finds him attractive, funny, and charming. I guess his romantic side sucks her in. Anyway, they tried to date back in March last year and within a few days, he told her he still liked his ex girlfriend so they went their separate ways. About a month later, he asked her out again, and she went out with him and found out he was still seeing the other girl...so they ended things and then in June, they tried it again and then she caught him at the movies with the other girl. The other girl played a lot of games with him, and didn't want him until he got together with my daughter. Anyway, at this point we stepped in and said there was to be no further contact between them. At first, they complied...but as the weeks went by, they started sneaking behind our backs to just even talk on AIM together. At the end of July, he came to me and begged for me to let them go out. He hadn't seen the other girl in two months and didn't intend to. He promised me he would not hurt our daughter again, and she wanted so much to go out with him, so I said that this was his last shot and if he messed up, he was done.
Fast forward 4.5 months. Their relationship seemed strong. They got along well, and in spite of him being rude to me a couple of times when he was having a mood swing or whatever it was, I was okay with them being together. Then, I made the mistake of looking on his myspace one day. I noticed he had a mystery girl on his top friends. Long story short, he started working at the mall, met this girl, they exchanged phone numbers and flirting started...heavily. He was calling her gorgeous, sending her kisses (mwah!) and said he was going to come see her in her town and he hoped she'd make it worth his while. My daughter had his MySpace PW, so she went and read all this stuff. Also, the other girl had all kinds of references to him = love on her myspace. So, my daughter broke up with him after I pointed out that someone who is committed to his girlfriend doesn't do things like that. My husband got angry as well, and banned him from our home. This unfortunate series of events happened two days before Christmas.
He has maintained that he wasn't really planning on doing anything, and that he loves our daughter. He has apologized to her profusely, he has begged for her back. He sent my other daughter an apology letter to forward on to us. My daughter still loves him to pieces in spite of what happened, and I know deep down, she wants him back too. Their holidays were ruined because of this, and I started to feel guilty about that because I probably did fuel the fire a bit. I just know that if I found that info about my boyfriend as a teen, I wouldn't stand for that type of treatment.
He wants her back...I know my husband will not want this to happen...in fact, he is still so angry, I don't think it's a good idea for him to come around any time soon. He wants to take her to his prom. He doesn't want to date anyone else...but I'm not sure that she isn't receptive to the idea. I guess what I need to know is...what do we do? Do we stand our ground that he is not welcome in our home after cheating (or intending to) on our daughter 3 times and being disrespectful to us, or will this only make her want him more? I think she thinks we will back down eventually and is trying to buy some time. Maybe we acted hastily and shouldn't have butted in. I really don't want her to go out with him...I don't think he's right for her, and I think she has so much living to do that doesn't include him. She has a passion for horses...he thinks they are only worthy of being lunch. She lost most of her friends while they dated, and she is starting to reform those relationships. If she goes out with him again, she will lose that all again...and then he will leave for college in August and meet someone else...I can guarantee that.

I'm at a loss. I feel frustrated and confused, and like I can't be a good parent right now. HELP!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-26-2007
Tue, 01-01-2008 - 11:15pm

Once could be "stupid teenage boy"


Twice could be "ok he didn't learn his lesson"


Three times....it's a pattern and I would be very worried about why my child would "love " someone who would do that to them over and over again.


I am a parent who believes that if it is an unhealthy relationship you CAN make it end when your child is 16.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Tue, 01-01-2008 - 11:26pm

well, I did just ask her how she truly feels.

Avatar for bookwormmom
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2003
Wed, 01-02-2008 - 8:36am

That is a hard situation to be in. I think I would really encourage her to go with the liking the single thing right now. Seeing what is out there, especially with her friends that she hasn't had while she was dating him is a really good thing.


I would be very worried that this guy is setting her up for some major abuse. With the losing her friends and not seeing others because of it, then he cheats over and over and expects her to be okay with it and take him back. I don't know, it sounds like

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Avatar for suzyk2118
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-1997
Wed, 01-02-2008 - 8:45am

I dated a guy like that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 01-02-2008 - 9:07am

Just wanted to point out that at 15, even almost 16, she has plenty of proms ahead of her and I wouldnt let her attendance at this upcoming one influence your decision.

You need to be sure you are not sending her "need to be in a relationship in high school" vibes, even unconsciously.

I agree with OP who said to actively talk up and encourage that single life. IOW, NOT 'you can find a better BF' or 'you will find someone else by prom'-again, that tells her she 'should' have a steady BF

JMO

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Wed, 01-02-2008 - 10:05am
we did the waiting a couple of months deal between time #3 and #4 of them dating...obviously it didn't work in the end.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Wed, 01-02-2008 - 10:12am

well, I don't think I made her think she needs to be in a relationship...I told her that I'm sure she will find another one, but I also told her that I think she needs to spend time having fun with her friends.