Won't ask for help
Find a Conversation
| Tue, 01-08-2008 - 8:59pm |
I just got an interesting insight from my two kids. My DS just told me--after being at home with me for hours--that he failed a recent math test. He is a pretty bright kid, and should be doing much better in math than he is. I think much of the problem is that he's so disorganized, and that can really throw you off in math. But he usually manages C's or even B's. So I called my DD over and checked her math grade online, and it has gone down from an A- to a C+. I'm a little upset with both of them, because neither of them goes out of their way to ask for extra help at school, or even from DH an me.
I suggested peer tutoring to my DD. She's a sophomore, and I told her she really can't let her grades slide if there's any way she can bring them up. I thought peer tutoring might be a good way to get some help from other kids, especially since they'd be more likely to know what the teacher is looking for than DH or I would. (She needs to bring up her English grade too because she has the teacher from he** this year.) I couldn't understand her resistance until my DS blurted out "That would be social suicide, Mom!"
Gee, I had never thought of that! These kids are so frustrating. My DD said that all that does is tell the other kids at school that you're dumb. I said "That's ridiculous! Everybody can't be good at everything. Everybody needs help with something at some time." I said that the only thing that's dumb is needing help, having help available, and not taking advantage of it.
Any ideas? She "claims" that she goes to her teacher for extra help sometimes before school. I can more or less force my DS to go for extra help because he's still in middle scool, but there's only so much I can do with my DD.

Pages
Not sure how old your DS is, but taking away driving for having bad grades has worked wonders!
I went through this with my DD also - wouldn't ask a friend for help, even a study-buddy, wouldn't go talk to the teachers, etc. I guess part of it was what your DS said ("social suicide") and part of it was thinking she *should* be able to figure it out and part was the teacher would be annoyed. It took months to convince her that it was in her best interest - and one semester of very low grades.
What I used to say was what you said "no one can be good at anything". Also, I'd say which one of your friends got an A on that test? (Global Studies was Leah's downfall in 9th grade). Then I'd nag her into talking to that friend. Still she often didn't. UGH.
Then gradually, I saw her willing to talk to teachers - I told her they have several hundred students in a year. If you go talk to them, they'll know who you are, they'll know you're interested, and they might cut you a break in grading. Also, as the work got somewhat harder for everyone, the "suicide" aspect has diminished - everyone needs help in some way.
For Leah, part of this was simply developmental - realizing that *she* had to take responsibility for her own learning - that asking for help, studying with friends, going for extra sessions was HER job and that it was something under her control.
Sue, mom to Leah and Seth
I'd first talk to/email their math teachers, to see if they have any idea why their grades have gone down, and ask them for suggestions. Last year I found out at conferences that DS and a good friend of his never took notes in class. It turned out to be only a minor factor in why he wasn't doing great, but it was something to get on DS's case for so that he'd take studying a bit more seriously.
DS did/does study with friends occasionally, and I think that helps. If one doesn't quite get it, one of the others can explain it. He still won't go to profs for help, but I didn't either until I went back for rounds two and three..a little older and wiser. It is intimidating, especially for someone who's shy to begin with.
I don't think the kids in HS pay attention to who gets tutoring from peers. Unless they're in a very small school, who would even know?
-----------------------------------------------
http://www.pnhp.org/news/2009/october/meet_the_new_health_.php
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DQTBYQlQ7yM
Thanks to everyone who replied! I guess I have two separate issues here: DD16 who needs to take more responsibility for her own learning (which she's getting better at, slowly), and DS13 who lies about absolutely everything. What really set me off about him is not even so much the failing grade, as the fact that he lied by omission, by not mentioning it to me all evening. My DH said that he found out about it because DS was hoping he would sign the test so he wouldn't have to show it to me!
I really don't get this lying. I don't scream & yell, I don't punish....as someone said in another thread one time, it's probably that he doesn't want to disappoint us. I think that's a huge part of it. But he never figures out that what I get most upset/disappointed about is the lying! And there were a couple of other things he lied about yesterday too. Ugh, he has not had a good track record this week--seems like between this and mouthing off to me a couple of times, he's been in trouble just about every day.
:-(
Just lurking here.
I haven't read the other responses yet.
"dh and I have math degrees, and I never had calc in high school and thrived in it in college - there's nothing to say you have to be pushed in math in high school; it's more important to 'get it' than rush through it."
Good point. DS24 attended the area math and science center 1/2 days throughout HS. DH would always say the same thing: Why push them through it so fast? Just make sure they understand it. (That specialty school also used chemistry the students hadn't yet had in their biology class freshman year. Why?) After not studying or using calculus for at least 20 years, DH spent many hours helping DS with it. To be able to teach it, DH must have learned it well(in India)the first time, and not at the accelerated pace the "advanced" classes are now taught.
Somehow DS survived HS math, and all the math he needed in college for engineering. But I know he's glad to be done with it.
-----------------------------------------------
http://www.pnhp.org/news/2009/october/meet_the_new_health_.php
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DQTBYQlQ7yM
Yup; I definitely agree with your dh.
Pages