Teen affecting relationship

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2001
Teen affecting relationship
42
Wed, 01-09-2008 - 12:38pm

I have been dating my boyfriend for am little over two years now, he has a 19 year old and 14 year old , the 14 year old is spoiled , disrecpecful and manipulative. I thought I could deal with it at first, but now its really getting to me. I mean, to see how the kid just gets away with everything and anything. The father will say no at first to what ever it is hes trying to get , but then he ' ll give in. Let me give you a perfect example. When we are going out in the car the kid will find a way to convince his father to let him sit in the front and he (the father or I ) will sit in the back

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Wed, 01-09-2008 - 12:55pm
This is a tough one. You could start by explaining to your BF that you are family and that you would like to start having weekly/monthly family meetings to establish some ground rules that you all can understand and work together to make your family more functional. At the first meeting, Let this be your "airing out" meeting. Talk about what is on each others minds,what bothers you,what makes you happy and stuff like that. Then from that talk about what can be done to resolve the issues. Such as, As the adult, The adult sits up front and not in back seat. Why? Because the back seat is the safest place for kids to be. As the adults you really don't even need to give reasons but since the kids are older they need to hear the "reasons as to why".
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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-29-2003
Wed, 01-09-2008 - 12:58pm

Can't we all relate to seeing the way someone parents their child and finding fault with it?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2005
Wed, 01-09-2008 - 2:11pm

I have to agree with Shelly.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2001
Wed, 01-09-2008 - 3:11pm

Thanks for taking the time.


Yes. Im the mother of a 18 year old who I raised by my self,

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Wed, 01-09-2008 - 5:57pm

I raised my son with the understanding that there's a whole world of difference between him and me, and

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-09-2006
Fri, 01-11-2008 - 8:01pm

I am in the same boat. I totally understand where you're coming from. I am raising a 14 year old stepdaughter. She is very disrespectful toward me. She fights me on everything. She has very little responsibility. All she has to do on a daily basis, is feed the dog and the cats and clean up after her self. Unless I remind her on a daily basis, she will not do it. I get so frustrated and when I'll mention it to her father he replies, I'll talk to her, but nothing ever changes. I try being very nice and talk to her, asking her why she doesn't do her chores and all I'll get is a dirty look. There are also boyfriend issues which I don't want to elaborate on. I feel her father is not teaching her that there are consequences in real life. If you have a job, a boss will not keep telling you on a daily basis what your responsibilities are. He'll look for someone else to do the job better. If I want to punish her (taking her cell phone away or grounding her) he tells me I am to strict. She treats him very disrespectful too, he just lets it slide. I feel if I am bothered by her treatment toward me I should be able to do something about it. I have even suggested family counseling, but nothing. Just wanted you to know you are not alone.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
Fri, 01-11-2008 - 8:55pm

It is hard when your bf's son probably perceives you as the outsider. Here are some things you can try, that I've done with my DS:

At the grocery store, when he pulls something off the shelf, read the nutrition label with him, compare it to a store-brand or healthier product, and compare prices. Then ask him if he's sure that's what he really wants. He may still say yes, but at least you'll get him thinking.

In the car---I guess I don't care where I sit, so I never made an issue of it if DS wanted to sit in front. On long hauls, because he's a lot taller than me, I always offer him the front seat, but he chooses the rear. Maybe you can try offering him the front seat before he gets a chance to grab it. It's a way to warm up to him.

He wants to be in every adult conversation. He must have more knowledge than you in some area. Ask his opinion about things. My DS felt "needed" when we asked him how to work the DVD player, LOL. And when I asked his opinion about buying a new computer. You don't have to agree, but you can thank him for the info and show some appreciation.

I'd ask my DS to help around the house, by saying, "I really need you to help me cut down that shrub in the back." Or ask him to carry something for you, adding something like, "You have stronger biceps". It helps if you make them feel needed or tout their strong points, or the 'manliness' they'd like to have.

Rather than nagging him to do something, or complaining about things he does, those are indirect ways to effect a change in behavior. The way your bf disciplines his son may not change, but you and the son may be able to improve your relationship if you can get him to do things differently.

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Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 01-11-2008 - 9:58pm

GET OUT WHILE YOU STILL CAN!! I am not kidding. You've been together for two years and his 14 year old son is still getting away with manipulating himself into the front seat? And into adult conversations, etc?


If your BF hasn't acted on this yet, do not expect him to. Your bf is doing everyone a HUGE disservice by allowing his son to manipulate him, cause resentment between you and him as well as between you and bf. That is not a healthy situation.


And it's not just a matter of disciplining his son. It's about creating clear boundaries with his children and between you and his children. You are an important person in your bf's life, yes? Well, if so, then it's up to your bf to make sure that his children understand and respect this. That doesn't mean he mistreats his children or loves them less - it means that he finds other, appropriate ways of showing respect, love and attention to his children in appropriate settings. When you're all out together, the kids sit in the back, you and bf up front. When you and bf are having a discussion that does not include 14 y/o, he needs to say 'excuse me' to interrupt or be asked to wait until you are through. And that's not about power playing - that's about respecting his elders! This 14 y/o is deliberately testing his father and it's up to his father to nip it in the bud.


Just imagine, the kid is only 14, that means at LEAST 4 more years of this. Are you able to deal with that? I don't care how great a guy bf is, there is a healthy way for your bf to meet the needs of his son without ursurping his and your role as the adults and authoritative figures.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2002
Sat, 01-12-2008 - 7:39am

I like your response...it can work! Beat them to the chase, give them the illusion of control, compromise...way better than constant struggling...I was going to suggest taking turns with the front seat. It's no big deal...I sometimes say you get the front going, I get it coming home. They'll realize its just a seat, not a throne.


To 1parent2001, clearly you are already a successful parent, your way worked for you and your kids. But in this case, you are still just the dad's girlfriend. While you can certainly demand respect towards yourself, as a person and an adult, you can't really get into how he parent's. Of course, if you plan on getting married, then you have to work out all that stuff beforehand. And from what I understand, step-parenting is a whole 'nother ball game from parenting. Anyways, good luck, I hope you can work all of this out so you don't have this nagging thing hanging over your head. Going to stick my neck out as usual and say it doesn't hurt to try to score a few points with this kid...

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Sat, 01-12-2008 - 3:25pm
The problem with this suggestion is that they are NOT family.

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