Hi beachmom, I know how you feel. I too have a 13 yo dd. It's not always easy, but we manage. My pluses are that we are not living apart from anyone, they are all here in the house but dh and I have a firm grounding in backing each other up.
I read a book this summer called the Mother Daughter Project that I found helpful. You should be able to get it at your library or local bookstore. There were tons of ideas and suggestions for each age group discussed.
I don't know if you've done this or not, but maybe you could sit down with her and calmly lay out her role in your family, what her responsibilities are (school and homework) against what yours are (working and paying) and ask for her input too. What does she think she should be doing and why, what does she think you should be doing and why. Make sure she understands the consequences of you not doing your jobs (loss of job, not money for food/rent) and why she should have consequences too. Ask her what she feels the consequences of her not doing her job should be, get her input.
At the same time, let her know how you feel (calmly) about how she acts toward you, not eating with you, avoiding you, trying to change your mind on decisions. Ask her how she could adjust her behaviour to satisfy both of you. If you can get her to sit down to dinner with you, start slowly talking about NON school stuff (friends, does she babysit or want to, groups she's in). Let her talk about things she's into and listen to her. See if you can get her to go to the movies with you, her choice of film! I love the movies that dd takes me to see, for the most part. They are always so upbeat. If she won't go out, then ask her to pick the DVD rental that you watch together at the same time! DDs current favorites are Hairspray and Failure to Launch.
As for getting you to change your mind about decisions, are there any you can change your mind on? Obviously not the school issues, but something else, like going to someone's house or buying something with her own money? Let her give you reasons why she wants to do that and listen to them. This is her time to start establishing herself and her independence and it is time for you to start letting go, slowly and simply.
Remember the old saying about if you let a butterfly go and it comes back, it was yours and if it doesn't, it never was? Well, same thing here, you do have to start letting her go (within reason for your area) easily and simply. Letting her get together with gf as long as you know where, when, who and what and can reach her on her cell phone and any of the friends cell phones too! I know they never want to hear that you are doing it for their own good, but if you let them know you are concerned for their safety and let her know it's okay to call you anytime and you will pick her up, NO QUESTIONS ASKED, if she feels she's in trouble.
It's a difficult time, because you have to balance what she needs to do with what you want and need her to do and it's not easy to find that balance. It's not impossible to let your daughter go and grow and still be firmly attached to her! You just have to be careful while your doing it. Make sure she knows you are her biggest supporter and champion, that's important to her. Then make sure you really are!
Sorry it got so long, we went thru similar kinds of things with ds, who is now 20 and still at home! They just have to know they are part of the process and not just the end result of all your decisions. DD and I work at it, we get loud at each other, but then she comes to me crying if something bad happens with a friend and she comes to me screaming if something good happens too. It's a long involved process, that's for sure!
Actually I don't think it's much beyond the normal teenage behavior, which for girls I think is the absolute worst around age 13-14.
Hi beachmom, I know how you feel. I too have a 13 yo dd. It's not always easy, but we manage. My pluses are that we are not living apart from anyone, they are all here in the house but dh and I have a firm grounding in backing each other up.
I read a book this summer called the Mother Daughter Project that I found helpful. You should be able to get it at your library or local bookstore. There were tons of ideas and suggestions for each age group discussed.
I don't know if you've done this or not, but maybe you could sit down with her and calmly lay out her role in your family, what her responsibilities are (school and homework) against what yours are (working and paying) and ask for her input too. What does she think she should be doing and why, what does she think you should be doing and why. Make sure she understands the consequences of you not doing your jobs (loss of job, not money for food/rent) and why she should have consequences too. Ask her what she feels the consequences of her not doing her job should be, get her input.
At the same time, let her know how you feel (calmly) about how she acts toward you, not eating with you, avoiding you, trying to change your mind on decisions. Ask her how she could adjust her behaviour to satisfy both of you. If you can get her to sit down to dinner with you, start slowly talking about NON school stuff (friends, does she babysit or want to, groups she's in). Let her talk about things she's into and listen to her. See if you can get her to go to the movies with you, her choice of film! I love the movies that dd takes me to see, for the most part. They are always so upbeat. If she won't go out, then ask her to pick the DVD rental that you watch together at the same time! DDs current favorites are Hairspray and Failure to Launch.
As for getting you to change your mind about decisions, are there any you can change your mind on? Obviously not the school issues, but something else, like going to someone's house or buying something with her own money? Let her give you reasons why she wants to do that and listen to them. This is her time to start establishing herself and her independence and it is time for you to start letting go, slowly and simply.
Remember the old saying about if you let a butterfly go and it comes back, it was yours and if it doesn't, it never was? Well, same thing here, you do have to start letting her go (within reason for your area) easily and simply. Letting her get together with gf as long as you know where, when, who and what and can reach her on her cell phone and any of the friends cell phones too! I know they never want to hear that you are doing it for their own good, but if you let them know you are concerned for their safety and let her know it's okay to call you anytime and you will pick her up, NO QUESTIONS ASKED, if she feels she's in trouble.
It's a difficult time, because you have to balance what she needs to do with what you want and need her to do and it's not easy to find that balance. It's not impossible to let your daughter go and grow and still be firmly attached to her! You just have to be careful while your doing it. Make sure she knows you are her biggest supporter and champion, that's important to her. Then make sure you really are!
Sorry it got so long, we went thru similar kinds of things with ds, who is now 20 and still at home! They just have to know they are part of the process and not just the end result of all your decisions. DD and I work at it, we get loud at each other, but then she comes to me crying if something bad happens with a friend and she comes to me screaming if something good happens too. It's a long involved process, that's for sure!
Good luck!!