Habitual lying

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2007
Habitual lying
11
Fri, 01-11-2008 - 8:04am

As I've mentioned elsewhere, my 13 yo DS is a habitual liar. For years, he has lied or exaggerated or embellished about anything and everything. Sometimes, there is no apparent reason for it. Sometimes, he's trying to avoid getting himself in trouble.


Last night, we had a mini-crisis over this. He has been making some progress towards getting more organized w/ his schoolwork this year (he's in 8th grade). He wanted to go on the computer last night, so I said his homework had to be done first. At first, he said he had none, but I checked his teachers' websites and --

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2006
Fri, 01-11-2008 - 8:16am

EJ, I don't have any advice at all for you, but you sound so frustrated that I wanted to send a {hug}}.


I 'know' that my DS has lied to me in the past -- looked me straight in the eye and told me something that my mother's instinct knew was just not true!

 

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2004
Fri, 01-11-2008 - 9:40am


Get this kid assessed for LDs ASAP. He could be avoiding the work because he is afraid to fail. And yes, he is afraid of disappointing you. (Sorry but you first say that nothing about him disappoints you and then the only thing that could disappoint you is not being able to trust him. He knows that you don't trust him so you are disappointed in him.)

There is a reason for everything. If he exaggerates, he could feel that is the only way he will be acceptable,the truth is not good enough.

Get yourself a good educational-psychologist (with a Phd), separate from the school. Some LDs start to get in the way of the kid's ability to function. Make sure he writes a report that can be given to the school. After that, take him to a child psychologist based on the results of the testing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2007
Fri, 01-11-2008 - 10:13am

Thanks for your suggestions. I really don't think it's an LD issue. I've thought about it before and even asked his teachers about it. But, in general, his school performance is very consistent w/ his ability level, which is average. I don't know how on earth he could ever have gotten the impression from DH and I that he is not good enough. We never make a big deal about grades. As long as our kids do their work and try their best, we are happy and accept whatever grades they bring home. The only way he MIGHT get that impression is from knowing that DH and I were very successful academically, although we don't stress that a lot. Especially when I hear what seems like every other parent talking about pushing their kids, how all their kids are "gifted", in honors/AP classes, etc., etc., I always feel like we push so much less than other parents do.


I think he is disappointed in himself and he doesn't see that. I'm not just talking about academics here. I think he is translating that into our being disappointed in him. That's why I think he needs counseling. But I will re-think the LD issue. It can't hurt to have a private evaluation done, but I don't want to spend thousands on a neuropsychologist, like we did for DD, since I don't see any real evidence of LDs.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2007
Fri, 01-11-2008 - 10:15am
Thanks for the moral support, Julie! That is exactly what upsets me most--that he can look me in the eye and lie so convincingly. I know we've talked on this board about how we can't/shouldn't expect our kids never to lie to us. But I think it's important to know that you can rely on them telling you the truth sometimes, if not most of the time!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-26-2007
Fri, 01-11-2008 - 10:31am

EJ (((((((((((BIG HUGS))))))))))))))))),


I know that others might agree with you on the fact that this is a big problem and he needs help.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2007
Fri, 01-11-2008 - 10:56am

Julie,


Thanks so much for the comforting words! I am especially heartened by the fact that Max did this, because as I've mentioned before, my DS is a budding actor. Do you think it can be the creative/theater gene working overtime?? My DS hasn't lied about anything major yet (of course, what opportunity has there been so far?). But he has come clean about some things that you would never expect a kid to admit to. It's all very hard to figure out.


ej


iVillage Member
Registered: 08-26-2007
Fri, 01-11-2008 - 11:19am

"Do you think it can be the creative/theater gene working overtime??"


That is funny and yes I do think that that could be part of it!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2007
Fri, 01-11-2008 - 11:58am

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Exactly, Julie! DH and I often comment that DS sometimes seems like he doesn't distinguish between fact and fiction (although yesterday, he clearly knew he was lying). He is very mature for his age in some respects, but maybe you're right--he does seem to lack some self-confidence or at least some self-acceptance (if that's a word). It's an interesting point you make about them loving acting because it lets them be someone they're not. Now I'm rethinking whether we should let him be in the performing arts program next year in HS. He wanted to be in this special program that would require him to drop either band or a language, and DH and I have been reluctant to agree to it. I wonder if it would make him a happier person.


And you're right about another thing: He is a very sweet, lovable, and sensitive kid. He seems to have a special bond w/ me and is especially sensitive about my feelings. He is well-liked, although I wouldn't say he's popular, at least not with the "popular" crowd. But lots of kids in band, the school play, etc. just love him.


ej


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2002
Fri, 01-11-2008 - 12:01pm

Hi there...I know how frustrating lying can be. I'm just going to reinforce what you already know...


I think he is disappointed in himself and he doesn't see that. I'm not just talking about academics here. I think he is translating that into our being disappointed in him. That's why I think he needs counseling.


Counseling is #1 in this case. I've know several *sadly* adults who are

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-14-2006
Sat, 01-12-2008 - 7:45am
It's funny you mentioned this about an adult family member, because this describes my MIL to a 'T'. She's so in the habit of embellishing, adding, etc that I never know if/when she's telling the truth - she sounds totally delusional. I know she's not truly "psychotic" - she functions independently in most ways - but she is definitely a habitual exaggerator!

Sue, mom to Leah and Seth


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