How to discipline for lying???
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How to discipline for lying???
| Fri, 01-11-2008 - 2:55pm |
I have a beautiful DD16 and on a scale of 1 - 10 her overall attitude is a 9.
| Fri, 01-11-2008 - 2:55pm |
I have a beautiful DD16 and on a scale of 1 - 10 her overall attitude is a 9.
I agree with you!
A few years back, there was a very wise poster who frequented this board (tobylady, who has since moved on to college board, I believe) and she had lots of experience with her DD lying.
I always thought her approach was brilliant:
If I understand correctly. You are upset because your daughter went out to get an ice cream with her friend even though she said that she was at her friend's house? What is the matter with getting an ice cream?
HI,
Well, what happened was she sent me a text to ask if she could spend the night and instead of texting her back I called her on her cell phone, she answered and the background sounded different so I asked her where she was said she was at her friends house.
I understand why you were upset about this lie - I would have been too, as it was such a small stupid unnecessary lie, right?? Something my now 18dd has done many times to me over the years. I was always catching her in all sorts of lies. Once in a blue moon I still do, but she's much more honest with me now that she's been burned by the stupidity of her own lies.
Wish I had a sure fire solution for you, but I don't. After a while, I learned to let her suffer the natural consequences of her own lies...because eventually, they do catch up with them! And it has helped a lot. She's realized that lying only causes more trouble than it's worth. Sometimes, I even wish she would lie because the truth can be hard to take at times!! Be careful what you wish for.
I do agree with giving her an extra chore for every lie you catch her in, though remember, if she's going to lie, she's going to lie - the question is: How good are you at catching her in a lie? Will she simply sharpen her skill at lying? Or will she stop lying? I think it's fairly normal for kids at 15-17 to lie about stupid little things like that. I think it's equally important for mom and dad to call them out when they catch them in a lie. I do not think it's healthy, however, to always be treating them suspiciously, as if waiting for them to lie. If they feel like their every little move is being watched, they will definitely become more sneaky. So, be careful. You don't want to over react to each and every little thing.
I think you answered part of your question - why do kids lie - "because she new I would not let her do what she wanted." If we want to stop lying, we have to make sure that the REWARD for telling the truth is stronger than the reward/payoff for lying. Since my DD was young, I've told her that if she's trustworthy, I will trust her more, and give her more responsibility. Recently she wanted to do something that I wasn't wild about, but she said "I've acted responsibly, like you have always said, now you know you can trust me". She knows that the consequence for lying would be a breakdown in trust, and less freedom.
Anyway, I guess my answer to your overall question is that lying leads to a lack of trust that leads to less freedom. Not huge punishments - two weeks grounding seems like alot, and may not work - but an increase in checking in and checking up on her.
Don't forget to tell her that if she had told you the truth you probably would have said "yes" - that takes away part of the motivation for lying.
Sue, mom to Leah and Seth